Last week I shared my feelings regarding the Englishman’s reappearance in my life. He had asked to see me face-to-face, and even though I knew he didn’t want to hear it, I told him “no”.
Sunday I returned from an outing with my mother and found him sitting in a parked rental car across the street from her house. Since it was Father’s Day, I suppose he thought it was a safe bet I’d show up there sooner or later. I was startled, hurt, and angry.
I attempted once again to make it clear he had no business being there after I had asked him not to come around me. He tried to explain how he was feeling and to be honest I was moved quite strongly by what he said. I’m not heartless - I know he went through an awful time and that life has really been horrible to him. I feel so sad that things turned out like they did for him. Things certainly didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to at the time either.
We talked for a few moments and I told him I would call the police if he ever showed up there again. Since he’s not a US citizen I’m fairly certain a charge of stalking would make it difficult for him to ever re-enter the country. As he has business meetings here from time to time, that would prove quite costly. That’s not something I want to see happen but I feel as if he is pushing me in a corner.
Even after hearing all that, he said he would stay in town a few more days to give me time to reconsider. I suppose he thought once I saw him, it would be difficult to walk away. If some circumstances were different that might be true, however his inability to respect my boundaries has pretty much made it impossible for me to ever trust him again.
He did call me one more time before leaving town. His message was contrite and he sounded lost. I feel terrible, but I really believe I made the only decision I could. Even if I were not concerned with everything that has happened, it’s been years since we were together. I’m not the same person and my circumstances are very different.
I might not feel so strongly about him ignoring my boundaries if I hadn’t been stalked in the past. When you tell someone to leave you alone and they continue and continue and continue, it’s terrifying. The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.
I suppose all this has led me to consider boundaries in general. I began thinking again about a series of posts I recently read on another blog. The writer described a situation where a young woman had been in a relationship for three years with a “submissive” boyfriend. This gentleman supposedly becomes “aggressive” about his desire to be dominated, pouts if she does not dominate him in the way he wants, has persisted in calling her Mistress in front of people even though she has specifically told him not to and even though he knew she didn’t like it. He has gone as far as dropping to the floor to grovel when he doesn’t get his way, continuing this even when she asked him to stop. To my surprise, several people expressed the opinion this young man simply needed to be taken in hand and controlled.
I’m not an expert, and perhaps my opinions are colored unfairly by my life experiences, but I would be concerned if someone I knew thought it prudent that they remain in a situation like this. I feel it is a major deal when someone disregards hard, clearly establish boundaries, not just for the current situation but because of future interactions. It’s been my observation that people seldom change and if anything, things usually get worse over time. Of course no one knows the whole story between those two people except them and I am not trying in the slightest to offer advice to this woman specifically. Her situation simply made me wonder what I would do if I were her and what I would recommend to a young woman I was close to.
I’m completely aware it’s a judgment thing, but how does one know when someone is simply hurting and reaching out from pain and when they’re a potential risk? When does someone’s desires to have their needs met become so overwhelming that a problem develops? At what point does someone pushing past boundaries necessitate a call for an end to a relationship? When is it time to simply walk away?
