Lady Julia’s Entranced Realm

The lovely lady Dee at Sexy Whispers has written an interesting post on female/male communication.  I thought she was dead on target when she mentioned:

PRAISE! Women so often point out the flaws and the malfunctions of a man. When he does the right thing…not matter how small…acknowledge it big!!

I couldn’t agree more.   A long time ago I realized how quick people were to express negative things and how stingy many are with praise.  So I made it my resolve that if I think something nice about someone, I say it.  I don’t always succeed, but when I do I am so glad.  The reaction I receive is sometimes really surprising.  Many people just aren’t used to it, especially those in retail/service.  Sometimes they look at me suspiciously as if I am wanting something.  Some men are the same way ;)

With regard to femdom relationships, I think having praise flowing both ways is really important – especially when it’s a new relationship or in cases when the interaction has shifted to being a female led one.  I think many women need praise as much as men do and they need it on a regular basis.  It builds confidence in our actions, makes us feel sexy, and lets us know we’re valued.  I think I mentioned in a previous post, just because you told us once four years ago that you appreciated something we did, they way we are, the way we look, etc – that doesn’t mean we don’t ever need to hear it again.

It’s great to hear, “I loved it when you…”, “It was so sexy when you..”, “When you said … it made me realize how much in control you really are.”  Anything like that is a reinforcer to a dominant lady that what she is saying or doing is working.

So many submissive men really seem to thrive on praise.  “You’re such a good boy…”, (no, not every man likes that phrase but something similar works), “it turned me on so much when you…”, “you responded so well to my control when you…”, “when you did… I knew I well and truly had control of your body and your mind”.  If there is one thing I consistently hear men in female led relationships bemoan, it’s the fact that they don’t get nearly the amount of verbal feedback they need.  They need to hear they’re doing it right, that we like it, and that oh yes most certainly we are in control.

Praising isn’t always an instinctive thing.  Actually, most people have to consciously work at this.  Even though it requires a bit of mental energy, the rewards for the relationship and the individuals (femdom or vanilla) are huge.  We see not only the relationship grow, but outselves as individuals because people who feel appreciated are happier, more loyal, and more fulfilled.

In a response to my recent post, A Femdom Relationship:  What’s in it For Me?, James asked,

If you were not dominant but your husband or boyfriend wanted you to dominate him would you do it? What would he need to do to get you to do it?

James, your question is interesting.  I could never really know what I would do, but… because I’ve heard so many stories about women in just this sort of situation, I have given it a bit of thought.  I wonder quite often what must it be like to be them – and, what it must be like to be their partners.

I’ll respond, but understand I’m not trying to speak for anyone else.  There are some who would never be able to comfortably dominate anyone.  There are others who could but may have never been exposed to the idea.  I have to answer your question as someone who would fall into that latter category (because yes, I would try.)

If I were going to attempt this and if we had any hope of it being successful, there are several things I’d need from him – open communication, reasonable expectations, accountability, respect, and reassurance that no matter what, our love didn’t hang in the balance.

We would have to talk a lot.  I’d want him to tell me what he wanted and needed and he would have to be equally interested in learning the same about me.

When presenting the concept to me, he would have to make certain the information was offered in a non-threatening, no-kink manner.  When I was new to the idea of BDSM and was exposed to things I considered at the time to be extreme, I admit it was quite unsettling.  So if he came to me as a vanilla woman and asked me to do something I considered “out there”, the reaction would probably not be favorable.  If on the other hand he began with something that seemed not too big of a stretch for me, I’d be much less likely to resist trying.

He absolutely could not pressure me.  I know he might be tempted to or may even do it without being aware.  He’d have utilize caution to make sure he didn’t, and I would need to feel it was ok to tell him when he was.  I’d have to believe he would continue to love me and accept our relationship as it was if what he wanted was more than I could do.

He would actually have to let me lead.  If he said, “I want you to dominate me” and then went on to tell me how… well, I would hardly be the one in charge, would I?  I’m not saying I wouldn’t want him to explain his thoughts and desires to me, because I would, but.. once he did, he’d need to let go and let me be me.

I’d want him to try and understand things from my perspective.  For example, telling someone what you want and expecting it to happen feels self-centered to many vanilla women.  Being self-centered when you aren’t inherently that way isn’t easy.  In fact, trying to be someone that you normally aren’t IS HARD.  That may not seem so to those who are often telling their “dominant” partners HOW to dominant, but telling someone how to do things and what to do wouldn’t seem too difficult for those who are already doing it, would it?   :)  Change takes time and requires patience on the part of everyone involved.  Things don’t always move fast enough to suit some, so they coerce, cajole, or complain until their partners are resentful and no longer willing to try.  Whose failure is this?

He’d have to be willing to compromise, something much easier for some than others.  The vanilla partner is obviously trying to meet him halfway by trying to move to a more dominant position.  Sometimes her partner may continue to hang on to his fantasy, his desires, his needs, the way he wants things with little or no graceful compromise.  If I felt he was forcing me into a position where, “It’s either this or nothing”, honestly – it would be nothing.

He’d have to take responsibility for his part in the relationship.  I cannot imagine as a vanilla woman wanting to make every single decision on every single thing.  Certainly that level of control – if it ever happened – would be a gradual thing.

When we had sex, he’d need to understand that I wasn’t going to change into his fantasy Domme overnight – if ever.  Positive reinforcement of the things I did that he enjoyed would help a lot.  No one wants to feel as if their efforts are constantly falling short.  He’d also have to be willing to give me what *I* needed during sex.  Since I enjoy romance, for example, then I’d expect that.  He may not normally enjoy romantic gestures but if he had his mind set on pleasing me hopefully it would excite him.

I’d need to know he found me sexy.  While all the things I’ve mentioned would be important, I think this one is near the top of the list.  If he desires for me to control him sexually, then I have to know he wants me more than anything.  (It’s not enough to tell me once and expect me to accept it as that way forever.  I don’t think a lot of women are wired that way.  Many of us need to hear things and hear them often ;)

I’m sure there’s more, but these are some of the things that have crossed my mind when I’ve pondered your question, James.  I’m honestly glad I’m not in that position because I know it would be tough on both.  You didn’t ask about what I thought he would need, but I want you to know I do understand that this is a deep-seated need for some men and I really love it when I see those who pursue it in a loving, thoughtful manner.

In response to my recent post, Femdom Relationships: What’s in it For Me?, Barbara commented:

I benefit by having the washing done sometimes. Sometimes he makes dinner. He rubs my feet when I want and massages my shoulders when I’m tired.

It is a pity you didn’t ask about the drawbacks because there are several. You also didn’t ask all the things I have to do now that he no longer feels he should do because they are my responsibility because I’m now the one in control. I don’t want to rain on your parade because it sounds like you were lucky and had a very nice life but I do not think this life is very great.

It sounds like you are having a difficult time and I’m sorry to read that. A femdom (female led relationship) is definitely not for everyone, nor is it as simple as some men think – especially for those women who are not naturally dominant.

I thought Free Thinking Writer left a very interesting response:

Barbara, I’ll suggest something. Just because you are the ultimate authority in the household doesn’t absolve him of his share of decision making responsibilities. If there are things he’s not doing, tell him to suck it up and handle it.

Some men think being in a wife led or a Femdom relationship means they have no responsibility in the area of decision-making. All they have to do is whatever they are told. For some couples, that’s true. Some women want to be in charge of everything with little or no input from their partner. That style of dominance is really not for me.

When I’m the person in control, I see no reason why I cannot delegate certain things as his responsibility. If he has a degree in finance and my degree is in nursing, I’m probably going to put him in charge of keeping up with the finances. Why wouldn’t I listen to his advice if it’s his area of expertise? Or.. perhaps he doesn’t have any special training in finances, but he’s just better at it than I am. I’m not going to be the one to balance the checkbook or keep up with paying the bills. He is. If it’s time to decide if we can afford to buy a new car, I’m not making that decision alone. My goal would be for us to decide together. If we couldn’t agree, then we probably wouldn’t buy the car until we could agree.

Many women (and men) won’t agree with that way of doing things, however it’s *my* way and to me, that’s what being in control is all about – doing it my way. It’s the same with any aspect of the relationship. It’s not about *how* I control, it’s that I *do* control.

Some may ask, how does this differ from a vanilla relationship? I think with this type of thing, what happens in the mind is what’s important. I know I’m in charge, and he knows I’m in charge. When he is completing a task, regardless of what it is, he knows he’s doing it because it’s what I want. He wants to please me and if that means taking on more responsibility then that’s what he’ll do. If it means doing something that some view as not a “submissive male” thing, that’s fine because my asking him to submit and do it eliminates the stereotype associated with the action.

In the beginning, it was not always as easy for me to say, “this is what I want”. Most of us are socialized to think that it’s wrong to be “selfish”. I had to learn that it’s different when I’m in a dominant/submissive relationship.  It’s not just ok to ask for what I want, it’s what he wants and needs for me to do.  Doing so didn’t make me a bad person at all. It’s unbelievable how freeing it was to realize that.

After I recognized I needed to ask for what I wanted and expect to get it, then came the really big question: Exactly what *do* I want?  Life started getting a lot easier when I began to find some of the answers to that question.

- Lady Julia

P.S.  One of the things I learned that I enjoy was specifying a certain time (say Friday evening from 8pm to midnight) and say, “This is your time to please me.  Use your imagination and what you already know about me to create a special time for me.  I love it when I know he has done something without my giving him the specifics and knowing he’s done it all because he wants to please me.  He’s not taking control, he’s giving me a gift.  If there’s an aspect of his plans that I do not wish to do, that’s perfectly ok with him.  He’ll adapt because it’s not the plan that’s important – pleasing me is what is important to him.

I haven’t always been in Femdom relationships even though I’ve been dominant for as long as I can remember.  I realize that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but the details are too personal for me to share.  Suffice it to say, when I finally became involved in a relationship in which I was the dominant partner, I felt as if I had come home.

Back then I didn’t know what Femdom was;  I only knew that we generally did things my way.  He was quite naturally submissive, preferring that I choose because then he knew I would be happy and my happiness  meant a great deal to him.

We were lucky – we somewhat stumbled into our never-labeled arrangement.  He spent almost six months a year here, six months abroad.  During the time he was in the US, he worked from home.  My career was flourishing and with that came a great deal of responsibility.  I was often gone 10-12 hours a day.  When I came home, I didn’t have to worry about doing anything I hated like cleaning bathrooms or doing the dishes.  He knew what I didn’t like to do and took it upon himself to do those things himself.  He loved seeing a relaxed and smiling me.

I did do things around the apartment.  Sure, I could have persuaded him to do everything, but that wasn’t what I wanted.  He may have even enjoyed that, but there were just some things I wanted to do myself.  Even though he received pleasure from doing things for me, he chose to do what *I* wanted him to do for me – not what *he* wanted to do for me.

Our sex life was great.  Not at first.  It was good at first.  He was loving and passionate, warm and generous.  And… he loved being told what to do and how to do it.  In my previous relationship, that wasn’t at all the case.  This man – he didn’t take it as a criticism of his lovemaking – he viewed it as an opportunity to improve.  We talked about how different women are; that learning a woman’s body and what pleased her took effort on both parts.  We talked about it a lot and he definitely paid attention.  G-spot:  check.  Multiple orgasms:  check.  Romance (definitely a part of sex for me):  check.

Sometimes, he initiated sex.  Oh yes I know that’s not “supposed to be” a male submissive’s role, but sometimes I wanted that.  I wanted to know he wanted me more than anything.  I’d see him watching me as I moved around the apartment and I could tell when his thoughts turned to making love.  He just had this look.  Sometimes I’d do things to arouse him even more, waiting to see if he would hold back for me to make the first move.  Small things, things I knew that pushed his buttons.  Sometimes he’d wait, but at other times he’d slip up behind me and start kissing me on the back of the neck.  He knew that was my “yes of course, what were you waiting for” spot ;)

I was very adventurous during this time.  Actually, that’s probably putting it mildly.  He wasn’t nearly as free-spirited, but he went along with anything i wanted to do.  Often, I could tell he was nervous we would get caught (this was my exhibitionist phase) but he trusted me enough and was turned on enough by my wildness it worked for both of us.

Our lives weren’t perfect.  Sometimes we argued.  Occasionally I said or did something he didn’t understand and he’d get all quiet.  Every once in a while he said or did something I didn’t understand and he’d hurt my feelings.  Since I’m a talker and was the dominant one, eventually we’d talk it out because that’s what I wanted.  He trusted me and I trusted him.  It wasn’t always easy and sometimes it would take us a couple of days to work things out.  Sometimes he’d get a little lazy and put things off.  Sometimes I got too picky and irritable.  We learned to live together.

Like any relationship, there were bumpy moments and great moments.  I have to say, for the most part, it was really good and there were a number of things that I as the dominant received from being in that role.

Never before in a relationship had I felt that what I wanted mattered more to my partner than what he wanted.  With this man, I knew it did.  He had his needs, he had a few kinks (more I suspect than what he ever admitted), but he was never pushy.  He allowed me to grow in confidence and in self-awareness.  I wasn’t initially sure what *I* wanted so it wasn’t always easy letting him know.  Eventually I could and I think it was because I knew he wanted me to experience everything I wanted.  I asked and if it was within his power, it happened.

What he wanted mattered to me.  When I’d discover something he particularly liked, I enjoyed doing it with him, for him, or to him – on my terms.  And.. I’d use it to my advantage ;)  One night when he was in the shower, I was lying in bed thinking about him and masturbating.  Being in the throes of truly enjoying myself, at first I didn’t hear him step into the bedroom.  Eventually I heard a sound and looked up.  The look on his face and the reaction of his body instantly sent me over the edge.  I had no idea until then just how much he liked watching me touch myself.  Once I knew, you bet I frequently had him watch.  That’s also where I learned how good his begging along with my teasing and denying him could be ;)

Since we never put a label to our relationship, there were no expectations.  I didn’t feel pressured to perform a certain way to be his fantasy Domme and he wasn’t disappointed because I didn’t.  If I wanted something, I got it – even if it wasn’t “Femdom”.  Sometimes now I read things online that “Femdoms” do and don’t do and I simply shake my head.  If I want it and it happens, I’m in control;  doesn’t matter what it is.  If he surrenders and follows my lead, it’s the same thing.   Doesn’t matter if it is me controlling him through performing oral sex or him pleasuring me by entering me from behind.  Both of those “female submissive” acts are only female submissive if *we* see them as that way.

Since that relationship ended (due to circumstances beyond our control), I’ve grown even more in confidence and understanding of who I am and what that means.  Things still aren’t perfect and I have enough sense to know they never will be.  It’s just that now it’s a lot easier to ask for what I want and to do what I want to do, especially so because I know my doing so is making my partner happy.  There’s nothing quite like a win/win situation :)

——–

I’m quite interested in hearing from other ladies in Femdom/Wife Led Relationships to hear about the ways in which they feel they benefit.

I’ve been doing a bit of thinking lately about the dynamics of Femdom relationships – both the realities and the fantasies.  There are a few principles that I try to always keep in mind for my interactions either with the mentoring of my submissive friends or in my relationships.  I believe these principles are the key to making sure that we’re both healthy and happy.

Everyone has needs and desires. No matter what the fantasy says it’s not all about the Domme- it can’t be. I have to keep my submissive’s needs and desires in mind when I choose my course of action.  In fact, I can utilize those needs and desires to truly control him.  It’s up to me to decide if I should address his wants and needs, how, and to what degree. Perhaps he has a need for punishment and feels the only way to be punished is being spanked.  I can recognize the need he has for punishment but I may decide to utilize a different form.  Certainly if he gets excited by being spanked I will punish in a different way.  After all, it’s not good to positively reinforce unacceptable behavior, is it?  The decision remains mine.

If I’m to be in charge, he needs to accept my way of doing things.  I need to know I can safely proceed with my style of dominance without any attempts to coerce me into doing it his way. Sometimes I’ll seek input from my partner, but the decision is ultimately mine.  If I decide he’ll clean the bathrooms every day for a week as a punishment then that’s how I’ve decided to control him.  It may not be the kinky control he wants, but it is control.  The more comfortable I feel in my role, the more comfortable I’ll be when deciding how much kink to bring into the relationship.

I need to know what I’m doing is working. I want to know what he’s thinking, how he feels, how his body responds, etc.  One of the most helpful things he can do is to say, “I really liked it when you ____”.  There’s no criticism there, there’s no topping, it’s a positive statement.  Part of caring about him and dominating him is learning what things “work” for him.  If he doesn’t like something, I want to know that too, but when I’m lying there all glowing and content,  it’s probably not the best time to bring it up.  I’d prefer he tell me later or the next day if it is something that can wait.  “You know, I liked this and this that we did yesterday, but this one thing was not something I was comfortable with”.  I’ll explore what comfortable means and then decide my next step.  Perhaps I’ll adapt.  Perhaps I’ll do it anyway.  It depends on why it was uncomfortable and if a bit of discomfort can be turned into something good ;)  If it’s something that needs to be discussed immediately, of course he should feel comfortable speaking up.

His concern should be what I’m getting from the interaction, not what he’s getting from it. If he focuses on pleasing me – understanding what I get from the interaction and focusing on making sure that I receive it – then that will be pushing his submissive buttons and maybe some of his kink buttons as well.  It’s my job to focus on what he needs and occasionally on what he wants as well as focusing on my wants and needs.

He needs to realize that that being a Domme isn’t “all” I am and being submissive isn’t “all” he is. That doesn’t jive with a lot of the fantasies out there, but I really think that’s true.  We have to recognize that we have non-sexual, non-kink needs as well.  Yes, I’m a Domme.  I like to be in control.  I also enjoy intelligent conversations.  I like to be romanced.  I like to do enjoyable non-sexy, non-kink things.  Sometimes I need to be comforted.  Yes, he’s a submissive, but sometimes he is protective of me.  Sometimes he wants to argue with me about politics, philosophy, religion – whatever.  He has a brain and we both want him to use it.  Sometimes he wants to (*gasp*) initiate sex.  As long as I’m ok with that – as long as I permit that – then I remain the one in control.  The decision is mine.

I need to remember many submissive men have a need for structure, clear boundaries, direction, and the certainty that I am experiencing pleasure from his submission. I often say, “it pleases me when you _____”, or “it excites me when you _____”.  “You’re such a good boy.”  “Obeying is pleasing and pleasing feels so very good.”  It’s amazing the response elicited both physically and emotionally by those types of phrases.  I also boss him around.  Sometimes I ask or persuade.  However I choose to do it, I let him know what I want,  when I want it, and how I want it.

A healthy D/s relationship is symbiotic.  In situations where it isn’t, then at least one person ends up feeling frustrated and bitter.  All relationships require honest discussion, a lot of listening, and the desire on both sides to make it work.  Good relationships don’t just happen.

There are many styles of dominance.  Some are harsh.  Some are self-centered.  Some are loving.  Some sensual.  There’s no wrong way as long as everything happens between two consenting adults.  This way is simply my way. I’m not suggesting my way will work for anyone else, but it works well for me ;)  Perhaps it might provide food for thought for someone considering making their first steps in dominating a partner.  Maybe it will lead some who are submissive to reflect on their own motivations and interactions with their dominant.  Either way, writing this has made me think more about the way I interact.

~ Lady Julia

** The above is a brief summary.  I’ve much more to say and plan on doing so with future posts.)