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Wants versus Needs

Thursday, February 18th, 2010


A couple of days ago I shared my thoughts on wants, needs, and topping in a Femdom relationship.  If they are to have a healthy, happy relationship, I truly believe a couple must consider what a man needs to be just as important as what the Domme needs.  Not always a popular opinion, but one I stand by nonetheless.

That said, I also believe if the Domme is to retain control, it’s imperative that each distinguishes between what he wants and what he needs. For him to be persistent about his needs is healthy.  When he’s pushy in order to have his wants met – well, I think that’s when topping rears its ugly head.  

When determining which is which, perhaps we can view wants as things that can help fulfill needs?* For example:

Needs:
To feel controlled.
To feel desired.
To be fulfilled sexually.
To feel appreciated

Wants (things she can opt to do to help fulfill his needs):
To have his cock kept in a cage.
To have all his orgasms and touching controlled.
To be teased and denied.
To be ordered to do things.
To be spanked as a form of punishment.
To be told he’s sexy.
To be teased.
To be “used” for sex.
To be “forced” to display his naked body for her.
To be allowed to experience sexual release.
To have some of his orgasms ruined.
To be told he’s a good boy.
To be rewarded for what he does.
To be shown off to her friends.
To be praised.

Differentiating wants from needs not only helps ensure the submissive’s needs are met, but can perhaps reduce frustration by making his/her expectations more reasonable. We have a reasonable expectation that our needs are met in a relationship. Having his wants met – well in a power exchange relationship, it’s up to the one in control to decide on that, isn’t it?

~

* Certainly this list of “wants” versus “needs” is offered as things to consider, not as fact.

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, Relationships, male submission | 27 Comments »

Topping, Attention, and a Nice Tush Picture

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Recently, both here and on his blog “She Deserves My Very Best“, Rex has been discussing the ups and downs of his Wive Led Marriage.

He remarked,

Some have suggested I don’t know what my wife wants. O’contrare. I know but I far too often don’t deliver it. I take full responsibility, but why when a man suggests he enjoys being motivated by the sexual component of WLM does he get branded as “topping from the bottom”? Guilty as charged I guess. I genuinely enjoy serving and pleasuring her much more than seeking my own pleasure. I thought that was the definition of being submissive. Why is it that to some the idea that there is something “in it for us” makes our experience somehow not valid or less than honest?

I think that’s a valid question.

It’s easy to say, “accept whatever she gives without asking for more”, but I consider that difficult if there is a great imbalance in the amount of attention each receives. It’s wonderful for a Lady’s partner to actively seek to please her.   I feel I am within my right as the Domme to expect that.  However, I can’t see any attempts at Femdom lasting if I don’t reciprocate. Yes, the “how and what I do” is my decision, but I cannot forget he needs attention as well.  In order to help make sure this process doesn’t fail and that he isn’t topping from the bottom, he has to be realistic, avoid getting carried away with wanting more and more, and accepting that I’ll choose the way.

A periodic review regarding how the relationship is progressing, what each needs and wants, etc. seems important to me.  Sometimes people consider any feedback from the submissive to be topping, but I don’t consider that to always be the case. If he has surrendered control, that infers a great deal of trust that I will be concerned about his needs as well as mine. In order for me to do that, I have to know what they are.  I don’t consider it to be topping if he shares in an open, honest, non-manipulating, non-pressuring manner. If he is manipulating or pressuring, I need to call him on it.

There are some that profess Femdom is easy, that it takes little to no effort on the part of a Real Domme.*   I believe it takes effort on both sides to make any relationship work.  Each party has their own rights and responsibilities, their own needs and expectations.  I believe ignoring those principles will at a minimum result in two very unhappy people and could well lead to the failure of the relationship.

As always, this is my point of view, a point of view that I know is not shared by everyone in the Femdom, FLR communities.   That’s ok, as always, your mileage may vary.

~

*The term “Real Domme” is a registered trademark of the One True Way Society.  All rights reserved.

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, Relationships, Terrific Tush Tuesday, male submission | 20 Comments »

More on Tease, Denial, and Attentiveness

Saturday, February 13th, 2010


We were talking last night about tease, denial, arousal, and attentiveness. It’s true that many men are more attentive when denied, but when I remarked that he wasn’t that way, that he was very attentive all the time, he paused. Yes, he’s very attentive in general because of how he feels about me, but he admitted he had noticed that he is even more so when he’s teased and denied.

While I can’t accept that a man can’t be attentive without the tease and denial – that being affectionate, giving, and frequently aroused by the things I do is what I think is reasonable to expect as a baseline for his behavior – I agree there’s no question the orgasm control amps things up a bit for a lot of men. I just don’t believe I’ve paid enough attention what it does to him.

Til now.

Let my latest study in “the psychology of the submissive male” begin ;)

(In a rush because I’m going out for the day, so this isn’t all spell and grammar checked. You’ll just have to excuse me ;)

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, Tease and Denial, male submission | 6 Comments »

Her Story: How My Boyfriend Successfully Introduced FLR to Me

Saturday, February 13th, 2010



In response to yesterday’s post, Hormonal Urges, Love & Respect: What Motivates You?, Leslie remarked

As someone fairly new to FLR, I’m definitely open to advice – and was definitely prey to some of those aforementioned Absolute Truths of Femdom. It was only when I stopped listening to what I *should* be doing – and instead focused on what I *wanted* to be doing – that I began really having fun. A lot of fun. :) I’m convinced now that, if my boyfriend hadn’t introduced me to female dominance, I would’ve eventually discovered it on my own. Not the whips ‘n chains part (which I don’t care for) but the teasing. The tantalizing. The drawing of his passions to the edge of ecstasy… and then playfully pulling back. I’m gradually acclimating myself to other kink, and my boyfriend and I have an ongoing dialog about what works, what doesn’t, what each of us wants, ect. But I believe – and you’ve mentioned this several times – that what a new Domme needs the most is space. Space to learn, grow, make mistakes, and find herself. It wasn’t until my boyfriend discovered that (and stopped topping from the bottom) that we actually got somewhere. Somewhere happy and fun and satisfying. For both of us.

I’m not sure where the arbitrary 6-10 orgasms/yr came from, but it could never work for me. My boyfriend is 25 and I’m a couple weeks shy of 24. Forget 6 orgasms a year. Guys his age probably whack off 6 times a *day*. If I told him that his releases would be as drastically curtailed as that woman suggested, the poor guy would probably die of a broken heart. :( And that wouldn’t be fun. Why not instead keep him wondering, guessing, and tantalizingly (but not frustratingly) on edge. And then – when he least expects it – blow his mind. Or not. :) Now, *that* is my idea of a good time.

Life in general is not a one-size-fits-all kinda deal. So, why should our relationships be? I applaud you for the depth and authenticity of your writing. In the internet realm of latex, crazy fantasies (and more male body parts on display without warning than I actually care to see, haha) your blog is a wonderful breath of fresh air. And a true class act..

Thanks for sharing your success story, Leslie and for explaining so clearly why it worked for you. I posted it here so that more people would notice and perhaps feel comfortable posing questions about your experience.

(Thanks also for the nice words. You’re very sweet.)

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, male submission | 3 Comments »

Hormonal Urges, Love & Respect: What Motivates You?

Friday, February 12th, 2010


For the last few days I’ve been following an interesting discussion at “Whatever She Says“. I will preface my remarks by stating I genuinely feel for the blog owner and his wife. He seems to be sincerely attempting to resolve the conflict between his wants and needs with those of his wife. That can’t be easy when they are so very different.

I’d also like to clarify that I in no way think a Femdom / Female Led Relationship is all about the woman, nor do I think failed attempts to follow that dynamic is solely the fault of the man. There are two people in every relationship, both with wants and needs. Both have a vested interest in finding an agreeable way for those needs to be met and many of the desires fulfilled. If they don’t, how will the relationship survive? That said, does that mean all his wants and needs are going to be met his way? Well, you tell me.

When attempting to find an established dynamic that works for both, I believe it is paramount that both possess  realistic expectations as well as a willingness to be accountable for our individual actions. There are a few “truths” circulating through the Femdom / Female Led Relationship blogsphere that I believe do damage to some who are attempting to achieve those things.

In the comment section of the post I referenced above, “Very Happy Wife” remarked:

When a man has an orgasm his overall behavior changes, and usually not for the better. His submissiveness diminishes and can take several days or weeks (depending on age) to recover to an acceptable level that his wife will enjoy.

That is why a husband should not masturbate unless his wife tells him to do it right then and there. If she says do it when you want once in a while, I don’t mind, she will not get the full effect of having and enjoying a horny husband. And he is not helping to fulfill a wife led marriage. If whatevershesays doesn’t masturbate, even with his wife’s reluctant ok, he will be a better husband, and his wife will see the better state that he has kept himself in. In other words, without an orgasm, he will give his wife alot of devotion and adoration, she will apreciate that and see the nice difference.

He can tell her that he is saving himself for her, she is the one who owns him, so he wants all of his pleasure to come from ONLY his wife. But he must make a promise to his wife, as my husband did to me, not ever to masturbate again. I have had my husband denied for up to 10 weeks at times, he is so submissive and wonderful after 3 weeks that I really hate to give him relief. It pleases me to have him that way longer and longer each time. He has said that if that is what pleases me, then he wants that also. We do make love often, but he is only allowed a certain number of strokes in me and then he must take it out. Of course I get my orgasms. I have told him that accidents are forbidden, and that the punishment for having one is 6 months of absolutely no sex for him in any shape or form. It has been years now that we have this relationship and he has not disobeyed this.

Remember, between 6 and 10 orgasms a year is more than enough orgasms for a husband. I like to go on the lower side of this scale. It works for us. Thanks!

I absolutely know this is not the case for all men. Sure, everyone has that, “Oh wow I can’t even be bothered to move” time after release, but days or weeks? Is that true for most of you?

It’s one thing to say, “Orgasm denial works well for me, it helps motivate and focus me”, that’s constructive information.  “I have to have it this way or I cannot live up to my promise to surrender control to you” seems to take the power away from the Domme and place the surrender on an act.  It also seems to say “I can do this if you do something sexual to me, but I can’t surrender out of love and desire.”

Perhaps it’s all just perspective, but then again, isn’t D/s a perceived exchange of power? How we view what we are doing and why makes a conscious and subconscious impact on the dynamic.

Besides, and this will surprise you I am sure, I do not like being told I have to do things a certain way ;)

“Remember, between 6 and 10 orgasms a year is more than enough orgasms for a husband. I like to go on the lower side of this scale. It works for us. Thanks!”

I can respect that it works for you, but how did you arrive at a number that is applicable to every man?

Denial is appealing to some men, but what about we ladies who love controlling his arousal and feeling, watching, and/or hearing him release? Those are things that excite me and give me pleasure. Why is my control any less if I say “release” as opposed to saying “no”?

I’m not saying there doesn’t need to be a sexual component to a relationship for most people (not just men) to be happy.  I’m merely saying in a FLR/Femdom relationship, isn’t the “how” by definition up to her?

“Worship Her” went on to add:

Lady Julia, wives really do not want their husbands to be relieving themselves, or whacking off as he wrote. They do like us better when we are very horny and then very attentive. If whatevershesays makes the decision not to do it himself, as the above post states, he will be a better husband and more devoted. Lets face it, after an orgasm our attitude changes about our sex turnons, they are there but put way on the back burner until we start getting horny again. And then they surface. His wife will like the changes in him and ask why. She will like not having the high and lows in his libido. Always high. Then she will realize how important it is that a wife maintain strict control of orgasms she allows every so often to her husband. And bad behavior results in her punishing him by adding weeks or months onto the wait time. My wife adds months now. Twice in 3 years I have made her very angry. The first time was 2 additional months, the second time was 3 months of more wait time. She did cut that back though, but next time she said she will not.

Although wives are in charge, sometimes they do need a few suggestions, especially on male behavior. It makes for a better WLM.

Oh? I didn’t get that memo about wives not wanting their husbands to relieve themselves :)

Certainly I like it when he’s denied and horny and that’s one “tool” of Femdomness that I enjoy using.  However,  I expect him to be attentive period. Shouldn’t *I* be the motivator for his attention?

I’m entirely respectful that these things work in both your relationships, but don’t we each have to determine what works in ours?  There is no “one way” to do things.

For a while now I’ve be silent when I read comments like these, but I do have a concern when I read that a woman *must* do certain things to control her man. Won’t forcing foreign ideation on her only serve to frustrate her, leave her feeling she has failed, and ultimately leave their attempts at a Femdom/FLR relationship an abysmal failure?

“Although wives are in charge, sometimes they do need a few suggestions, especially on male behavior. It makes for a better WLM.”

Absolutely. I have never thought or suggested otherwise. I can’t lead if I don’t know what he needs and what pushes his buttons.   Those are some of our best conversations.  I love knowing what makes him tick and why, because it makes controlling him exciting and leaves me with not only a number of ways to accomplish my goals but also helps me when I attempt to  discover things even he doesn’t know ;)

As always, this is my point of view. I’m sure there are a number of differing opinions among my readers – opinions I am eager to hear. Comment away ;)

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Relationships, male submission | 8 Comments »

Kneel For Me

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

(Image courtesy of a sweet friend)


“Kneel for me, Sexy Man… right here, facing the door.”

“Why do …”? My fingertips shush you.

As you drop to your knees, my lips brush the back of your neck. Mmm.. I do so love it when you shiver in that oh so excited way.

“Now, take your tie and wrap it around your wrists.”

As you obey, my lips travel to your ear, capturing the lobe and sucking gently.

“Oh.. it sounds as if that felt good, my Darling. I wasn’t sure if you would like that..”

As you turn toward my teasing voice, I remind you to keep looking straight ahead unless I order you to do otherwise. Yes, I know how hard it makes you when I order you to do anything. That’s why I do it.

“The tie is to remind you not to touch yourself. Of course you could anyway, but you won’t, because my control is stronger than any bond. Your fingers won’t wander because I don’t want them to.” As you feel the belt from my soft, silky robe in your mouth, I add, “Just a little reminder that you are not allowed to speak either.”

Turning, I sit on the edge of our bed and begin undressing. Curiosity must surely be getting the better of you as the familiar sounds of my nighttime preparation reach your ears. With a deep, contented sigh I lie back and get comfortable.

My hands begin to caress my soft, full breasts, teasing and squeezing the nipples until a low moan escapes my lips. “You really love my breasts, don’t you? Touching them, kissing them.. your warm mouth closing around each nipple, sucking.. your tongue licking..” Another moan as my excitement begins to build.

You shift a bit but dare not turn.

My right hand wanders down, slipping between my thighs, teasing my clit.

“I love it when your fingertips caress me… Exploring all the curves, dipping down and coating them with my warm wetness. It’s so easy to imagine them. You can imagine, can’t you?” Your eager nod conveys just how well.

“Your fingers sliding inside, first one, then two.. oh…yes.. it feels so good when you touch me, pet.”, my breath coming faster.

The urge to turn and watch is strong, but you’re a good, obedient boy and you stare at the door in frustration.

“As my fingers caress the body you cannot touch – my warm, soft body – I am thinking of you tied spread-eagle on the bed. Soft silky scarves preventing you from touching either of us. Kissing my way up the inside of your thighs.. watching as your cock stiffens and begs – yes, begs to be taken.”

Mmm, I love it hearing that desperate moan. I know how badly you want to touch.

“I’m so ready for you, my sexy man. So, so ready. Ready to straddle your hips, lower myself on your hardness and…”

I can no longer speak. The room is filled with moans – yours and mine – as I continue to touch and tease. So close, so very close. That delicious feeling building. Soon I cry out in release, waves of pleasure passing over my body.

As I lie panting, I chuckle. “Feeling oh so controlled and deliciously frustrated, aren’t you, my Darling?” As you nod, I continue. “You want so much to slip in the bed beside me, to touch my body, and to feel me take you just as I described. Isn’t that right?” A fervent nod.

“Stand. Yes, that’s my good boy. Don’t turn. Continue facing the door, remove the tie from your wrists, and then the gag. Now strip for me.”

I do so love watching you undress. You’re so incredibly sexy. And eager ;) I’ve never seen you undress so quickly.

“Reach out and switch off the light. Good boy.” Pausing for a moment, I add, “Now.. head downstairs my sexy Darling. You’ll be sleeping on the sofa tonight. Don’t forget to close the door on your way out and remember, no touching.”

As my warm chuckle reaches your ears, you cock twitches – and, if possible, grows even harder.

It’s going to be a long, long night.

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Tease and Denial, male submission | 10 Comments »

Self-Confidence and the Budding Domme

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

A reader asks:

Do you think for a woman to be comfortable being the dominant spouse she needs to first be self confident or is it ever the case that when embued with the “title” dominant they grow to fill those shoes? I ask for the obvious reason. My wife has willingly agreed to lead but is more of a shrinking violet than a venus fly trap if you get my meaning. If only women could take a pill and… voila’ instant dominatrix. I’ve heard the advice (and repeated it like a mantra) to let her find her own way. Unfortunately, she is directionally challenged when it comes to this. I encouraged her to read blogs such as yours and even started my own to allow my thoughts out there without directly confronting her with my desires etc. For me their is obviously a HUGE sexual component to this lifestyle dynamic that appears to be non-existent for my wife. I am one of the lucky ones who’s wife is willing to travel this path but the result is decidedly unfulfilling for both of us. If it weren’t for the severe inhibition and need for secrecy I think she would do well to befriend a confident dominant woman who could help nurture her “inner bitch” to steal a phrase. Your thoughts are coveted.

Before I respond to your questions, I’d like to ask you to take a few moments and try to put yourself in her shoes. Imagine she’s just told you that she desperately wants you to become an incredibly romantic man – suave, debonair, always full of wonderful words and tender gestures that will sweep her off her feet and melt her heart. Would that be easy for you to accomplish? How would you feel about her request? Would you at times feel self-conscious and uncertain? With effort and time, could you learn to feel more confident about being the super sexy romantic leading man? Would it ever feel “natural”? Perhaps you’ll never be the suavest guy in the world, but I wonder, would she be happy if you were somewhere in between the person you are now and the Cary Grant type she (hypothetically) desires?

When evaluating your Femdom relationship progress, it might help to keep in mind your answers to the above questions. I’m not suggesting you avoid sharing your wants and needs with her or that she shouldn’t be willing to try to meet those wants and needs. I’m simply pointing out that it isn’t easy to assume a role that differs from the person we are. Being realistic in our expectations is crucial.

With regard to your original questions, I agree it takes quite a bit of self-confidence to comfortably assume the lead in a relationship. If she desires to build confidence in her ability to dominate you, there are a number of things that may help achieve that goal. Among other things, I believe it’s important that she receives positive feedback, experiences successes, learns to accept and like who she is and who she is becoming, avoids comparisons to others, and simply has fun with the Femdom activities she pursues.

We offer feedback in both conscious and unconscious ways. Of course, we can offer words of praise and we should. However, if our body language, tone of voice, or other conversations offer a negative tone, that speaks volumes. If we tell someone they’re doing well and then later criticize much of what they do, we send mixed messages. Unfortunately for many, the negative carries more weight. If she perceives *you* think she’s sexy and in control, that she’s “doing it right”, she’s more likely to believe that herself.

With every success, our self-confidence grows a little. Since that is the case, keeping our expectations low in the beginning, attempting easier-to-achieve goals or changes, and focusing on building on our strengths will all aid in ensuring successes. For example, if she asks you to do something rather than telling you to do it – she’s still asking for what she wants. For many women, that’s a difficult thing to do. If she’s not normally the type to ask, consider it a success when she does. Your responses and attitudes regarding her efforts greatly effect her perception of how she’s doing.

For many, accepting and liking who they are is at least partially dependent on the opinions and behaviors of the people they love. (I’m not saying that is always the case or that it should be – just that for many it is.) I try to make certain requests for relationship changes don’t send the message that there is something inherently wrong with my partner or the relationship. There are aspects of our lives that both enjoy, however there are always a few things that we can do to enhance what we have.

Avoiding negative comparisons to others is critical. I’m not like other Dommes and that not only absolutely works for me, it has always worked for my partners as well. That said, I would be lying if I professed that negative comparisons to “real Dommes” didn’t hurt when “friends” made them early in my exploration of my Femdomness. If they had chosen someone whose personality wasn’t so vastly different from mine and had said, “you might find some of her ideas would work for your style of dominance” rather than “real Dommes are like her”, I would certainly have been more open to considering the things I read.

Fun activities tend to build confidence levels, because we associate the feelings we experience with success and happiness, feelings that lead us to gravitate toward those type of activities again. Relaxing and doing the small but fun things like tease or mild bondage with scarves can be confidence building. This is especially true when she receives acknowledgment that you enjoyed it very much as well – even if it isn’t as kinky as you might ultimately wish it to be. As her comfort level grows, the more willing she may be to explore other things.

She can gain confidence in her ability to assume the leadership role in your relationship, but it is unlikely to happen without each of you making a conscious effort. Will it make her the Domme of your dreams? Maybe not, but sometimes getting a bit of what we want can be surprisingly fulfilling.

Finally, I’d like to address your comment about nurturing her “inner bitch”. Does she like her “inner bitch”? I have one and I don’t want to loosen it. I feel out of control, ashamed, and unhappy when that part of me emerges. She may feel ok with releasing that aspect of her personality, but that has to be her decision. One doesn’t have to be a bitch to control a man. That’s one thing I can say to an absolute certainty ;)

I hope sharing my opinions helps provide food for thought. These are things that work in my relationships, however your lady is a unique individual and only you and she know what will work for the two of you.

Best wishes – it does sound as if you are a very lucky guy :)

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, male submission | 8 Comments »

Femdom, Male Slaves, and Relationships

Sunday, February 7th, 2010


Lady Julia. Do you believe that one day a woman can finally assume full control of her household and dominate and enslave her husband?

If by “full control” and “enslave” you mean take him to a place where he is always compliant, has no internal conflict, no thought of himself at all – no, I don’t. Not unless she does a lobotomy :)

It would be rare if even possible for someone to be “on” all the time. There are times when the stresses of every day life take a toll and we find we are distracted from our relationship goals. True, most of the time we are easily redirectable, but there are times when it requires a lot of effort to stay on track. It’s in most people’s nature to seek out what they want and need, a trait that will at times lead even the most submissive person to be non-compliant. Additionally, it’s a far bigger responsibility to dominate someone than many imagine in their wonderful yet impractical fantasies. It requires creativity, planning, consideration, and careful evaluation in order to help insure the emotional and physical health and safety of the submissive. Sometimes, even the strictest bosses give in to the temptation to relax and not worry about who does what when.

Of course, that’s been my experience :) Your mileage may vary.

Another reader asks:

Is it possible to be a submissive male partner in a relationship and not know it? When I first started reading about female-led relationship, it sounded like something I would find enjoyable. Then I began to realize that this is pretty much how my wife and I have been living for as long as I can remember.

I think it is. When I was with the Englishman, I was quite definitely the person in control, but I had never really heard anything about Femdom or Female Led Relationships. I didn’t even think about being the person who called the shots – it’s just pretty much how it was.

~ ~

Thank you for the questions :) If you have something you would like to ask, you may do so anonymously here.

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, male submission | 3 Comments »

Her Majesty’s Plaything

Monday, February 1st, 2010

I used to think prodommes were “real” while my Queen was only “pretending” to top me. I have since come to realize that my thinking was ass backwards, self defeating and have changed my point of view. My change of attitude has reaped tremendous rewards and probably saved my marriage.

I found the key was asking myself a simple question; “what’s in it for her?” Instead of insisting that everything revolve around me I now make a sincere effort to give my Queen loving and devoted service to the best of my ability. It is difficult to say who benefits most from the arrangement we have now. I think perhaps she does which is exactly as it should be! After all I am the slave! :-)

~ Excerpt from “A Birthday Goes Unnoticed“, written by Her Majesty’s Plaything

I enjoyed reading HMP’s entire entry but the line I emphasized touched me the most. Couldn’t all relationships benefit from a balance like that? Not knowing who benefits most seems like a wonderfully exciting, relationship-fulfilling place to be.

Posted in Blogs and Blogging, Female Led Relationships, Femdom, male submission | 3 Comments »

Female Led Versus Female Managed Relationships

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Rear Admiral Grace Hopper

A delightfully sweet friend of mine submitted this for publication. I was quite impressed with his initiative, his kindness, and his desire to do something helpful for a Lady. He is, most definitely, a very good boy. ~ Lady Julia

I was thinking about a quote that Rear Admiral Grace Hopper made on “60 Minutes” about managers and leaders. She was asked, “What is wrong with American business?”   Her reply was, “The concept of management.  You manage spreadsheets – you lead people”.   Based on my experience this is so true.

I have seen a lot of posts on your site where guys are expecting their women to make them do this or perform this way. I think this is the managerial type approach. “Put this on, do this, perform this way”…. There is nothing wrong with this. The little rituals, props and role playing we engage in can be great fun and add spice to any relationship. But I think these things can get in the way to what a female led relationship should and can be. Or any relationship for that matter.

I hate being managed at work. I especially hate to be micro-managed. Micro-managing implies a lack of trust or respect. I think people believe that if they control the little behaviors and actions they can control the person or situation. Ultimately I think this type of behavior is doomed to fail.

The bosses I most enjoyed working for were leaders. They were also good managers, but they inspired people, not just ordered them around. They set good examples. A good boss will give praise easily and an occasional kick in the ### when needed.

I want to be led and not managed. I think there is an important distinction between the two. I cannot and will not follow someone I do not respect or who does not respect me. I want to follow someone who will inspire me to be a better person. To me it goes beyond following orders. I am a big boy. I know what is wrong and right. If I do the right thing I hope I am rewarded. If I screw up, it is my fault, not the person leading me.

Not to say I don’t screw up. I do. I am not perfect. And I have certainly benefited from the guidance and help of strong women.

This is also not to say I don’t like being directed by a woman. I do. It just means I want to be inspired and led not managed.

~

Grace Hopper factoids for those interested (in part from Wikipedia.com):

It is impossible to do someone like Grace Hopper justice in a summary. Just one of her accomplishments is a career for most of us. But she was the mother of modern programming languages. I think she was the first or one of the first women to be given the rank of captain and then admiral in the navy. In fields usually dominated by men she was an exceptional leader.

Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper (December 9, 1906 – January 1, 1992) was an American computer scientist and United States Naval officer. A pioneer in the field, she was one of the first programmers of the Harvard Mark I computer, and she developed the first compiler for a computer programming language. She conceptualized and led the development of COBOL, one of the first modern programming languages. She is also credited with popularizing the term “debugging” for fixing computer glitches (motivated by an actual moth removed from the computer). Because of the breadth of her accomplishments and her naval rank, she is sometimes referred to as “Amazing Grace”. The U.S. Navy destroyer USS Hopper (DDG-70) was named for her.

While she was working on a Mark II Computer at Harvard University in 1947, her associates discovered a moth stuck in a relay and thereby impeding operation, whereupon she remarked that they were “debugging” the system. Though the term computer bug cannot be definitively attributed to Admiral Hopper, she did bring the term into popularity. The remains of the moth can be found in the group’s log book at the Smithsonian Institution’s National Museum of American History in Washington, D.C.

The famous quotation “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission” is often attributed to Grace Hopper.

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