Lady Julia’s Entranced Realm

It’s difficult for some to talk about sex, especially kinky sex.  Even so, if you have wants and needs that extend beyond traditional vanilla sex, you must share that information with me relatively early in our relationship.   It may not be the best idea to pour out your soul on the very first date, but before we make a long term commitment you must tell me everything.

I know you will have concerns about my reaction.  I may be taken aback or completely opposed to the idea.  In fact, it could be that I simply can’t give you what you want or need.   Still, wouldn’t it be horrible to find this out after we’ve committed to being together?  On the bright side, I may be willing to try some of the things that interest you, and when I do, I may find that I enjoy a lot of them ;)

You may choose to remain silent, believing you can do without these needs being met.  Please don’t.  It is extraordinarily unlikely you will always feel that way and, in fact, it is quite probable you will resent me later in life for being unable to do the things you desire.

You may think you can change me.  It’s true I may change a little, but are you willing to risk our happiness on it without telling me the truth?  If you’re not honest with me in the beginning, then it’s completely unfair to resent me because I am unable to become a totally different person later on.

Yes, when you tell me, I might end it.  Maybe you’ll end it.  Maybe we’ll go on together.  Whatever happens, an honest discussion of needs and wants is our only chance for long term happiness.

- Lady Julia

(This post is a part of my If I Were a Vanilla Woman and My Partner Wanted Me to Dominate Him and/or Be the Boss” series.)

I need to tell you something. It isn’t an easy thing to tell you because I’m so afraid you will be hurt or feel as if you are not important to me when nothing could be farther from the truth. Even though I’m afraid to, I know I have to tell you because we agreed that being honest with each other was paramount if we are going to make our relationship work.

Sometimes I don’t feel like being the Domme. Sometimes I don’t feel sexy and sometimes I don’t even want to think about sex. When I feel this way I don’t want to tell you what to do, I want you to do what you are supposed to do and agreed to do without anything sexual from me to drive you.

I know that sounds so harsh and blunt and I’m sorry. Please understand, this isn’t a result of anything you have done – it isn’t you, it’s me. I’m aware that phrase is a big relationship joke, but it’s really true. I’m feeling stress from so many areas of my life and right now those things are all I can think about.

Telling you embarrasses me. I worry you will think I am not sexy anymore and that you will feel I am failing you. I’m also afraid that by telling you, I will make you feel you need to try and fix it. I know this is what most men believe they should do when a woman tells them about her problem(s). Well, this is something you can’t fix. I have to handle this one.

You can help, though. Don’t push me – it feels as if everyone and everything around me is already doing that. Just be there for me, let me know you still love me after you read this, and that you still find me sexy. Now is the time to focus on serving. You know me, you know what things I like and what relaxes me so take the initiative to do those things. Other than that, I’ll let you know what I need.

I know this sounds really selfish but if I can’t get past this, our Femdom, Female Led Relationship isn’t going to work because I can’t hold up my part when I feel this way. This is temporary – just a hurdle to get past. I love the thought that you are there for me, holding out your hand to help me make the jump.

And…. let’s just keep talking about this, ok?

(This post is a part of my If I Were a Vanilla Woman and My Partner Wanted Me to Dominate Him and/or Be the Boss” series.)

~ ~

I feel the need to confess that I didn’t actually write this post solely for the series I’ve been doing. I’ve been feeling this way off and on for the last little while. I feel guilty when I do, because I have a great life and if there is ever a woman who has had validation from others that she is sexy, it would be me. I’m really lucky that way and I know it. In spite of all that validation, the description in the first paragraph is pretty much how I feel at times of high stress.

Right now I’m really stressed but I know from past experience that I won’t stay in this place for long. I could have ridden this out and almost no one would have been the wiser. I wanted to admit this because even though it isn’t a popular thing to talk about, I believe many women from time-to-time feel they aren’t sexy and find themselves uninterested in sex. I don’t believe it matters if they are vanilla, Domme, submissive, rainbow-flavored, or whatever. I suspect a number of men feel this way on occasion as well, but I think most are even less comfortable saying “I don’t want to even think about sex right now” than women do because of course, men are supposed to be thinking about sex all the time.

Maybe it won’t, but I’m hoping that my sharing this might help someone feel a tiny bit better about the situation they are in and might also encourage them to ask for the assistance they need from their partner.

~ ~

* If you feel a diminished interest or total lack of interest in sex more frequently than every now and then, this may warrant checking with your Dr to make sure everything is functioning as it should be. Again, there’s no need to be embarrassed. Many people deal with these sort of feelings.

Sometimes I make mistakes. I am not always firm enough, sometimes I don’t communicate as well as I would like, every now and then I completely fail at understanding where you are coming from.

I’m sorry for the times when that happens.

It took me awhile to realize that it was ok for me not be perfect and that apologizing would not diminish my control over you. I know that is the fantasy for some men – the perfect Domme – but I think most realize that no one is infallible, no one can be “on” all the time. It also took me awhile to realize that the person hardest on me, the person with the highest expectations of me – was me.

I want you to know it’s ok to tell me if I am a bit off the mark (smiles – or even way off the mark). I know you’ll do it with careful consideration of my feelings and our relationship – just as I would do for you. I need for you to tell me I’m doing ok – just as I do for you. We each need validation that we are being successful in our roles and that each of us are having fun.

And we are having fun, aren’t we my good boy? ;)

(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)

I remember reading something written by an “authority” on female dominance. The author, a male submissive, inferred that a dominant woman should always be in control of her emotions and should never turn to her submissive male if she is in need of someone to lean on.

While I agree that everyone should control their emotions well enough that others are not harmed, I do not agree that dominant women should feel they can never lean on their submissive partners. I’m a woman, a human being with emotions just like everyone else. Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes I am frustrated. And yes, sometimes I am angry. When I am troubled, it is you I want to turn to. You’re my partner.

I know I can lean on you at times and this will not diminish our relationship. You are realistic enough to know that not every day will be filled to the brim with kink and sex. There are issues outside those two things that must be dealt with. I know I can make it through the difficult times because you are at my side, strong and steady.

I really like that you are a strong man. So many seem to believe that submissive is synonymous with weakness, but we both know that is not at all true. You are intelligent, self-aware, confident and sexy. You’re not threatened by the fact that I am strong, nor do you feel I am less in control when I need your emotional support.

It’s wonderful to have a rich fantasy life. So many things are exciting to imagine and some of them are very thrilling to do. We just have to remember that our Femdom, Female Led relationship stands a much better chance of lasting if we are both grounded in reality when it comes to our expectations of one another.

(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)

The whole Venus and Mars thing has been done to death but while some of it is baloney, there is some truth to it.  I don’t think like you do when it comes to sex and most especially when it comes to your submission to me.  Because so much of the Femdom, Female Led Relationship experience is about what we’re thinking and feeling, it really helps me to know what is going on in that sexy mind of yours.

It’s important for me to know not only what you want and need from our relationship but what really turns you on.  To determine this without opening the door for you to guide where our relationship goes, I’ve decided to assign a couple of tasks.

First, I would like for you to complete this BDSM Submissive Checklist.  Not everything that pushes your buttons will be listed, but it’s a good place to begin.  Take your time and be honest with me.  Nothing you say will shock me – surprise me, maybe – but it won’t freak me out.  I want to know more about your secret desires because I will be using them to my advantage ;)

In addition, once a day for the next seven days I want to hear about one of your fantasies.  I realize it may be difficult for you to share these things with me so I’m giving you the option of telling me face-to-face, via recording, or by email.  During those seven days you may not touch for pleasure and I will not allow you to release.  (Smiles – just amping things up a bit, Sweetheart.)

I am providing these mechanisms of communicating your wants and needs not only because this will lead to a greater understanding of your submissiveness, but also because it will help to avoid any effort on your part to manipulate me.  I love you and I want you to have everything you need and much of what you desire, but you must understand that efforts on your part to guide what we do – while perhaps temporarily giving you what you want – will in the long run damage our growing Femdom, FLR relationship.  The more I steer, the stronger my level of confidence in doing so will be.  Every time I feel pressured or manipulated, the more I will feel that you are in control and that I’m not doing things “right”.

Since you’ve asked me to control and I assume that is what genuinely you want, let me.