I really like the pose in this photo. If the models were older and the young lady was a bit less thin, it would be among my favorites. It’s so sexy to see that she is assuming physical control and seems to be preparing to take him.
While there are times when I love soft, sensual lovemaking, there is nothing quite as exciting as taking what I want, where I want, and how I want.
(Thank you John for the photo :)
I need to tell you something. It isn’t an easy thing to tell you because I’m so afraid you will be hurt or feel as if you are not important to me when nothing could be farther from the truth. Even though I’m afraid to, I know I have to tell you because we agreed that being honest with each other was paramount if we are going to make our relationship work.
Sometimes I don’t feel like being the Domme. Sometimes I don’t feel sexy and sometimes I don’t even want to think about sex. When I feel this way I don’t want to tell you what to do, I want you to do what you are supposed to do and agreed to do without anything sexual from me to drive you.
I know that sounds so harsh and blunt and I’m sorry. Please understand, this isn’t a result of anything you have done – it isn’t you, it’s me. I’m aware that phrase is a big relationship joke, but it’s really true. I’m feeling stress from so many areas of my life and right now those things are all I can think about.
Telling you embarrasses me. I worry you will think I am not sexy anymore and that you will feel I am failing you. I’m also afraid that by telling you, I will make you feel you need to try and fix it. I know this is what most men believe they should do when a woman tells them about her problem(s). Well, this is something you can’t fix. I have to handle this one.
You can help, though. Don’t push me – it feels as if everyone and everything around me is already doing that. Just be there for me, let me know you still love me after you read this, and that you still find me sexy. Now is the time to focus on serving. You know me, you know what things I like and what relaxes me so take the initiative to do those things. Other than that, I’ll let you know what I need.
I know this sounds really selfish but if I can’t get past this, our Femdom, Female Led Relationship isn’t going to work because I can’t hold up my part when I feel this way. This is temporary – just a hurdle to get past. I love the thought that you are there for me, holding out your hand to help me make the jump.
And…. let’s just keep talking about this, ok?
(This post is a part of my If I Were a Vanilla Woman and My Partner Wanted Me to Dominate Him and/or Be the Boss” series.)
~ ~
I feel the need to confess that I didn’t actually write this post solely for the series I’ve been doing. I’ve been feeling this way off and on for the last little while. I feel guilty when I do, because I have a great life and if there is ever a woman who has had validation from others that she is sexy, it would be me. I’m really lucky that way and I know it. In spite of all that validation, the description in the first paragraph is pretty much how I feel at times of high stress.
Right now I’m really stressed but I know from past experience that I won’t stay in this place for long. I could have ridden this out and almost no one would have been the wiser. I wanted to admit this because even though it isn’t a popular thing to talk about, I believe many women from time-to-time feel they aren’t sexy and find themselves uninterested in sex. I don’t believe it matters if they are vanilla, Domme, submissive, rainbow-flavored, or whatever. I suspect a number of men feel this way on occasion as well, but I think most are even less comfortable saying “I don’t want to even think about sex right now” than women do because of course, men are supposed to be thinking about sex all the time.
Maybe it won’t, but I’m hoping that my sharing this might help someone feel a tiny bit better about the situation they are in and might also encourage them to ask for the assistance they need from their partner.
~ ~
* If you feel a diminished interest or total lack of interest in sex more frequently than every now and then, this may warrant checking with your Dr to make sure everything is functioning as it should be. Again, there’s no need to be embarrassed. Many people deal with these sort of feelings.
Sometimes I make mistakes. I am not always firm enough, sometimes I don’t communicate as well as I would like, every now and then I completely fail at understanding where you are coming from.
I’m sorry for the times when that happens.
It took me awhile to realize that it was ok for me not be perfect and that apologizing would not diminish my control over you. I know that is the fantasy for some men – the perfect Domme – but I think most realize that no one is infallible, no one can be “on” all the time. It also took me awhile to realize that the person hardest on me, the person with the highest expectations of me – was me.
I want you to know it’s ok to tell me if I am a bit off the mark (smiles – or even way off the mark). I know you’ll do it with careful consideration of my feelings and our relationship – just as I would do for you. I need for you to tell me I’m doing ok – just as I do for you. We each need validation that we are being successful in our roles and that each of us are having fun.
And we are having fun, aren’t we my good boy? ;)
(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)
If you are submissive, do you get as excited doing something for your Mistress as you do about what she does to you? If you do not have a Mistress, do you get as excited thinking about doing something for a Mistress as you do thinking about what she might do to you?
Do you feel frustrated or let down if she isn’t excited about dominating you?
I remember reading something written by an “authority” on female dominance. The author, a male submissive, inferred that a dominant woman should always be in control of her emotions and should never turn to her submissive male if she is in need of someone to lean on.
While I agree that everyone should control their emotions well enough that others are not harmed, I do not agree that dominant women should feel they can never lean on their submissive partners. I’m a woman, a human being with emotions just like everyone else. Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes I am frustrated. And yes, sometimes I am angry. When I am troubled, it is you I want to turn to. You’re my partner.
I know I can lean on you at times and this will not diminish our relationship. You are realistic enough to know that not every day will be filled to the brim with kink and sex. There are issues outside those two things that must be dealt with. I know I can make it through the difficult times because you are at my side, strong and steady.
I really like that you are a strong man. So many seem to believe that submissive is synonymous with weakness, but we both know that is not at all true. You are intelligent, self-aware, confident and sexy. You’re not threatened by the fact that I am strong, nor do you feel I am less in control when I need your emotional support.
It’s wonderful to have a rich fantasy life. So many things are exciting to imagine and some of them are very thrilling to do. We just have to remember that our Femdom, Female Led relationship stands a much better chance of lasting if we are both grounded in reality when it comes to our expectations of one another.
(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)
Dear Lady Julia, My name is T, I just recently met this woman online through a traditional site. Her tag line caught my eye, Idolize_me. We’ve emailed, spoken on the phone and went on one date. Things look promising. I would like to have a FLR with her, any suggestions on do’s & dont’s to see if this type of relationship would interest her.
T, congrats on meeting a Lady that has captured your interest. Finding someone with whom we click isn’t always the easiest thing in the world, is it? :)
It’s difficult to respond to your question because I don’t know either of you, so I can only give you the “this is what I would want” response. I may have made some incorrect assumptions about what you have said, so if I have feel free to let me know.
When I was much younger I remember saying “I want him to idolize me” when referring to the man of my dreams, however I did not mean that phrase in the D/s sense. I simply meant I wanted someone who would cherish me, someone who would think I was extraordinary. There was nothing kinky running through my mind, not even in the slightest. I think it was more of a fairy tale type of “idolize” rather than anything else.
So my first suggestion would be to take the use of that phrase with a grain of salt.
As for general “dos” and “don’ts” when approaching someone about a Female Led Relationship, I’d offer the following for your consideration:
Get to know her a bit before approaching her about FLR as it relates to the two of you. If she is a Domme she will let you know sooner rather than later. If she isn’t you could frighten her away by bringing up any type of relationship – FLR or otherwise – too soon. That said, I understand that you do not want to get overly involved with her and then find out that FLR is absolutely off the table. If someone were going to raise the subject with me in a personal “what do you think about doing this with me and to me” sort of way, I would hope he would at least wait until we were broaching the subject of sex.
Keep in mind that many dominant / strong women are pursued for what they can do rather than who they are. If you approached me after only a few dates and began discussing FLR in personal terms, I would wonder if it was me you were pursuing or if it was the kink.
Be observant, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Are you getting the sense that she is a strong woman? Does she seem to be a take-the-lead type?
If you want to approach the subject in a casual manner without placing any pressure on her I wouldn’t consider that unreasonable, assuming you’re fairly certain she’s not someone who would be offended by the topic. As long as I didn’t feel I was being pressured I wouldn’t mind discussing FLR in the abstract with anyone no matter how little I knew them, but I am pretty open to discussing almost anything. It’s always best to “know your audience” when considering a topic like this.
I’m sure there are other things to consider as relationships and people are complicated, but those are the first things that spring to mind. Remember that I can only speak for me since I do not know either of you. Best of luck and keep me updated :)
~ Lady Julia
P.S. I’m assuming you’ve read my most recent series “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss”. If not, you may find some useful information there.
The whole Venus and Mars thing has been done to death but while some of it is baloney, there is some truth to it. I don’t think like you do when it comes to sex and most especially when it comes to your submission to me. Because so much of the Femdom, Female Led Relationship experience is about what we’re thinking and feeling, it really helps me to know what is going on in that sexy mind of yours.
It’s important for me to know not only what you want and need from our relationship but what really turns you on. To determine this without opening the door for you to guide where our relationship goes, I’ve decided to assign a couple of tasks.
First, I would like for you to complete this BDSM Submissive Checklist. Not everything that pushes your buttons will be listed, but it’s a good place to begin. Take your time and be honest with me. Nothing you say will shock me – surprise me, maybe – but it won’t freak me out. I want to know more about your secret desires because I will be using them to my advantage ;)
In addition, once a day for the next seven days I want to hear about one of your fantasies. I realize it may be difficult for you to share these things with me so I’m giving you the option of telling me face-to-face, via recording, or by email. During those seven days you may not touch for pleasure and I will not allow you to release. (Smiles – just amping things up a bit, Sweetheart.)
I am providing these mechanisms of communicating your wants and needs not only because this will lead to a greater understanding of your submissiveness, but also because it will help to avoid any effort on your part to manipulate me. I love you and I want you to have everything you need and much of what you desire, but you must understand that efforts on your part to guide what we do – while perhaps temporarily giving you what you want – will in the long run damage our growing Femdom, FLR relationship. The more I steer, the stronger my level of confidence in doing so will be. Every time I feel pressured or manipulated, the more I will feel that you are in control and that I’m not doing things “right”.
Since you’ve asked me to control and I assume that is what genuinely you want, let me.
(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)
“May I help you, Sir?” I smiled sweetly.
“Um, no, uh…no.. it’s ok. I think I can find what I am looking for.” His handsome face flushed the brightest shade of red.
“Now, you wouldn’t want to make me look bad to my boss, would you? See him over there sitting at the entrance to the Reference Department? I know he’s staring because he’s been watching me most of the day.”
“Well, uh no, I uh.. well I mean… I see why he’s been watching you.”
“Oh?” I teased softly, my hand just barely brushing against his as it rested on the card catalog.
“It’s your legs. They’re magnificent.”
I coughed softly in a vain attempt to hide a smile. Apparently what I took as a general shyness must have been embarrassment over the topic of his search. “Thank you. It’s always lovely to be appreciated. Now, tell me, what are you researching and I’ll help you find the books. Even though this is a volunteer job, I take my responsibilities very seriously.”
“Well, uh… I… I was wanting to find the books about fetish sexuality. Could you show me the general area where they are stored?” I was impressed he didn’t add, “They’re for a friend.”
“Let me see…” I bent slightly over the card catalog, allowing my hip to “accidentally” brush against his thigh.
It was his turn to cough – a failed attempt to mask a small gasp of excitement.
“Follow me. They’re right over here.” Without looking back, I entered the stacks and walked straight to the sexuality section. I admit, my hips may have swayed a bit more than usual, but it was purely to distract him from his embarrassment ;)
“These are the sexuality books, and down here is the fetish subsection. What in particular is your fetish?” Calm. Direct. I knew I was leaving no room for him to evade the question.
His glance dropped for just a moment and then, as if he had found some sort of inner resolve, his gaze met mine and did not waver again. “Female domination.”
“Ah, I see. You’re submissive.” Again calm and direct.
“I don’t know, I -”
“May I have your attention please. The library is closing in fifteen minutes. Please check your materials out now,” came a male voice over the loudspeaker.
“Don’t let that announcement distract you,” I directed. “Finish responding.”
His eyes widened at my there-will-be-no-argument tone. “I think I may be. I don’t understand much about it.”
“I see. What did you want to know?”
“Well, everything. I am not sure – ”
“Why don’t you kneel there by the stack. No one but me will know you’re kneeling because I asked you to. They’ll just assume you are looking for a book. Kneel, and continue answering.”
“I -” he looked around hesitantly.
“Kneel.” My rosy-tipped hand brushed his cheek as he dropped to his knees. “Continue.”
“Well like I say I am not sure what I want to know. I read some stories about female domination on the internet but they all seemed so fantasy-driven that I thought I would see if I could find something more fact oriented.”
I was impressed. Not only had he spoken without stuttering, but he didn’t seem too terribly embarrassed by the obvious hardness of his cock. “Give me an example of something you read that seems to be wholly a fantasy.”
“Well, I would have said a man kneeling in front of a powerful woman he had only just met, but…”
Handsome, articulate (when not flustered), and funny.
“Humiliation. Why would anyone find being humiliated a sexual turn-on? That seems pretty unbelievable. I don’t even know how anyone could possibly be humiliated and excited at the same time.”
“Yet, you were embarrassed and at the same time a little excited when you admitted the subject of your search.”
“Yes, but humiliation and mild embarrassment are hardly the same thing.”
“They’re shades of the same thing.” I paused, then added, “Be a good boy and fetch that stool over there.”
Even though he looked a bit puzzled, he jumped to his feet, moved the step stool beside me, then dropped back down to his knees. I glanced at the stool and then expectantly at him. Immediately he offered his hand to steady me as I stepped up.
“Very good. Now bend forward and press your lips against my shoe. Slowly. There are still a few people left in the building and we wouldn’t want them to miss anything should they happen by.”
His face flushed again but he obeyed.
“Don’t pull away. My ankle is lacking in attention.”
His lips moved upward.
I paused to wonder if he’d noticed my panty-less state before laughing inwardly. Of course he had! “Kiss upward a little more. Perhaps I’ll allow you high enough to taste the warm, sweet, wetness your attention is creating.”
This time he made no effort to hide his sharp intake of breath.
“I’m sorry but the library is clos-” my boss’ words froze on his lips as he realized who and what he had stumbled upon when rounding the corner.
“Don’t move”, I directed the man on his knees. “I really must ask your name. Here you are, down on your knees for me, and I don’t even know your name!”, my playful laughter teasing him as much as my words.
“What is going on here?”
“It’s quite simple, Mr. Smith. I’m offering a lesson in the joys of humiliation. This gentleman didn’t understand, but in a few short moments, he’s found clarity. Even if he wanted to deny it, which he doesn’t, his body couldn’t lie.”
“This is outrageous! I -”
“Stop, Mr. Smith. Drop down on your knees beside me.” Calm. Direct. “I know you want to. You’ve been thinking of nothing else since you I told you this morning that I understood the appeal of being the boss – that being in charged was quite exhilarating for me in my private life.”
Smith offered no further resistance.
“Now.. what to do with two handsome men kneeling for me.”
“Excuse me, but the library is closed. You -” another voice interrupted.
I couldn’t help smiling. It promised to be a very interesting evening.
~~~
This time for “Confessions”, I’ve chosen one of my long-standing fantasies – sex in the library – and added a bit of a twist. Quite a bit of this falls in the “I would never do that” category, but it’s really nice to ponder :)
“Confessions” is a simple little game. Consider the photo. Does it stir memories? If not, surely it stirs a fantasy or two. I’ll share mine and of course, you’ll share yours. Now… I’d be more pleased if you shared a few details, but I will settle for “did it”, “want to do it”, “don’t have the nerve to do it but dream about it”, “seriously I would never do that”,, etc.
Just so you understand that I’d receive the most pleasure from reading the details…
You’ve asked me to punish you whenever you do something that displeases me.
To be honest, that’s not a concept I can really grasp. Why wouldn’t you just do what I ask you to if you want to please me and if you really want me to be in charge? You’re an adult, so it seems as if you would stand up, be accountable and do what needs to be done.
Still, I understand that we don’t think the same way about things. You feel punishment is something you need – that it is necessary for me to control you. If that’s the case, then I will do that. After all, I agreed to meet you at least halfway as often as possible. Eventually, if I do this, I may better understand the differences in our needs and philosophies.
So, I will punish you. Whenever you do something that displeases me, first we will talk. You’ll explain what happened and then I will decide if punishment is warranted. If I determine it is, I will then withdraw from you the things you really enjoy. Until I decide it is time for the punishment to end, there will be no kinky play, no sex, no serving me in those fun and pleasurable ways. I will not say any of those little things that push your buttons in a super sexy way. I will do nothing to deliberately turn you on. It’s a shame, really, because you will also be robbing me of the pleasure of doing all those things. I’ll make do with things that aren’t you – a vibe or something similar – but you won’t be a part of it in any way.
Most of all, you will know how much you have disappointed me.
I know by refusing to spank you or in some other way physically punish you that I am flying in the face of “traditional” Femdom, but we both know on at least some level, you would enjoy that. To me, it’s not logical to give you what you want as a reward for disappointing me.
That doesn’t that mean spanking and other forms of kinky “punishment” are completely off the table – they’re simply reserved for a good boy who pleases me by doing his best.
(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)
