Lady Julia’s Entranced Realm

It’s difficult for some to talk about sex, especially kinky sex.  Even so, if you have wants and needs that extend beyond traditional vanilla sex, you must share that information with me relatively early in our relationship.   It may not be the best idea to pour out your soul on the very first date, but before we make a long term commitment you must tell me everything.

I know you will have concerns about my reaction.  I may be taken aback or completely opposed to the idea.  In fact, it could be that I simply can’t give you what you want or need.   Still, wouldn’t it be horrible to find this out after we’ve committed to being together?  On the bright side, I may be willing to try some of the things that interest you, and when I do, I may find that I enjoy a lot of them ;)

You may choose to remain silent, believing you can do without these needs being met.  Please don’t.  It is extraordinarily unlikely you will always feel that way and, in fact, it is quite probable you will resent me later in life for being unable to do the things you desire.

You may think you can change me.  It’s true I may change a little, but are you willing to risk our happiness on it without telling me the truth?  If you’re not honest with me in the beginning, then it’s completely unfair to resent me because I am unable to become a totally different person later on.

Yes, when you tell me, I might end it.  Maybe you’ll end it.  Maybe we’ll go on together.  Whatever happens, an honest discussion of needs and wants is our only chance for long term happiness.

- Lady Julia

(This post is a part of my If I Were a Vanilla Woman and My Partner Wanted Me to Dominate Him and/or Be the Boss” series.)

I need to tell you something. It isn’t an easy thing to tell you because I’m so afraid you will be hurt or feel as if you are not important to me when nothing could be farther from the truth. Even though I’m afraid to, I know I have to tell you because we agreed that being honest with each other was paramount if we are going to make our relationship work.

Sometimes I don’t feel like being the Domme. Sometimes I don’t feel sexy and sometimes I don’t even want to think about sex. When I feel this way I don’t want to tell you what to do, I want you to do what you are supposed to do and agreed to do without anything sexual from me to drive you.

I know that sounds so harsh and blunt and I’m sorry. Please understand, this isn’t a result of anything you have done – it isn’t you, it’s me. I’m aware that phrase is a big relationship joke, but it’s really true. I’m feeling stress from so many areas of my life and right now those things are all I can think about.

Telling you embarrasses me. I worry you will think I am not sexy anymore and that you will feel I am failing you. I’m also afraid that by telling you, I will make you feel you need to try and fix it. I know this is what most men believe they should do when a woman tells them about her problem(s). Well, this is something you can’t fix. I have to handle this one.

You can help, though. Don’t push me – it feels as if everyone and everything around me is already doing that. Just be there for me, let me know you still love me after you read this, and that you still find me sexy. Now is the time to focus on serving. You know me, you know what things I like and what relaxes me so take the initiative to do those things. Other than that, I’ll let you know what I need.

I know this sounds really selfish but if I can’t get past this, our Femdom, Female Led Relationship isn’t going to work because I can’t hold up my part when I feel this way. This is temporary – just a hurdle to get past. I love the thought that you are there for me, holding out your hand to help me make the jump.

And…. let’s just keep talking about this, ok?

(This post is a part of my If I Were a Vanilla Woman and My Partner Wanted Me to Dominate Him and/or Be the Boss” series.)

~ ~

I feel the need to confess that I didn’t actually write this post solely for the series I’ve been doing. I’ve been feeling this way off and on for the last little while. I feel guilty when I do, because I have a great life and if there is ever a woman who has had validation from others that she is sexy, it would be me. I’m really lucky that way and I know it. In spite of all that validation, the description in the first paragraph is pretty much how I feel at times of high stress.

Right now I’m really stressed but I know from past experience that I won’t stay in this place for long. I could have ridden this out and almost no one would have been the wiser. I wanted to admit this because even though it isn’t a popular thing to talk about, I believe many women from time-to-time feel they aren’t sexy and find themselves uninterested in sex. I don’t believe it matters if they are vanilla, Domme, submissive, rainbow-flavored, or whatever. I suspect a number of men feel this way on occasion as well, but I think most are even less comfortable saying “I don’t want to even think about sex right now” than women do because of course, men are supposed to be thinking about sex all the time.

Maybe it won’t, but I’m hoping that my sharing this might help someone feel a tiny bit better about the situation they are in and might also encourage them to ask for the assistance they need from their partner.

~ ~

* If you feel a diminished interest or total lack of interest in sex more frequently than every now and then, this may warrant checking with your Dr to make sure everything is functioning as it should be. Again, there’s no need to be embarrassed. Many people deal with these sort of feelings.

Sometimes I make mistakes. I am not always firm enough, sometimes I don’t communicate as well as I would like, every now and then I completely fail at understanding where you are coming from.

I’m sorry for the times when that happens.

It took me awhile to realize that it was ok for me not be perfect and that apologizing would not diminish my control over you. I know that is the fantasy for some men – the perfect Domme – but I think most realize that no one is infallible, no one can be “on” all the time. It also took me awhile to realize that the person hardest on me, the person with the highest expectations of me – was me.

I want you to know it’s ok to tell me if I am a bit off the mark (smiles – or even way off the mark). I know you’ll do it with careful consideration of my feelings and our relationship – just as I would do for you. I need for you to tell me I’m doing ok – just as I do for you. We each need validation that we are being successful in our roles and that each of us are having fun.

And we are having fun, aren’t we my good boy? ;)

(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)

I remember reading something written by an “authority” on female dominance. The author, a male submissive, inferred that a dominant woman should always be in control of her emotions and should never turn to her submissive male if she is in need of someone to lean on.

While I agree that everyone should control their emotions well enough that others are not harmed, I do not agree that dominant women should feel they can never lean on their submissive partners. I’m a woman, a human being with emotions just like everyone else. Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes I am frustrated. And yes, sometimes I am angry. When I am troubled, it is you I want to turn to. You’re my partner.

I know I can lean on you at times and this will not diminish our relationship. You are realistic enough to know that not every day will be filled to the brim with kink and sex. There are issues outside those two things that must be dealt with. I know I can make it through the difficult times because you are at my side, strong and steady.

I really like that you are a strong man. So many seem to believe that submissive is synonymous with weakness, but we both know that is not at all true. You are intelligent, self-aware, confident and sexy. You’re not threatened by the fact that I am strong, nor do you feel I am less in control when I need your emotional support.

It’s wonderful to have a rich fantasy life. So many things are exciting to imagine and some of them are very thrilling to do. We just have to remember that our Femdom, Female Led relationship stands a much better chance of lasting if we are both grounded in reality when it comes to our expectations of one another.

(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)

The whole Venus and Mars thing has been done to death but while some of it is baloney, there is some truth to it.  I don’t think like you do when it comes to sex and most especially when it comes to your submission to me.  Because so much of the Femdom, Female Led Relationship experience is about what we’re thinking and feeling, it really helps me to know what is going on in that sexy mind of yours.

It’s important for me to know not only what you want and need from our relationship but what really turns you on.  To determine this without opening the door for you to guide where our relationship goes, I’ve decided to assign a couple of tasks.

First, I would like for you to complete this BDSM Submissive Checklist.  Not everything that pushes your buttons will be listed, but it’s a good place to begin.  Take your time and be honest with me.  Nothing you say will shock me – surprise me, maybe – but it won’t freak me out.  I want to know more about your secret desires because I will be using them to my advantage ;)

In addition, once a day for the next seven days I want to hear about one of your fantasies.  I realize it may be difficult for you to share these things with me so I’m giving you the option of telling me face-to-face, via recording, or by email.  During those seven days you may not touch for pleasure and I will not allow you to release.  (Smiles – just amping things up a bit, Sweetheart.)

I am providing these mechanisms of communicating your wants and needs not only because this will lead to a greater understanding of your submissiveness, but also because it will help to avoid any effort on your part to manipulate me.  I love you and I want you to have everything you need and much of what you desire, but you must understand that efforts on your part to guide what we do – while perhaps temporarily giving you what you want – will in the long run damage our growing Femdom, FLR relationship.  The more I steer, the stronger my level of confidence in doing so will be.  Every time I feel pressured or manipulated, the more I will feel that you are in control and that I’m not doing things “right”.

Since you’ve asked me to control and I assume that is what genuinely you want, let me.

You’ve asked me to punish you whenever you do something that displeases me.

To be honest, that’s not a concept I can really grasp.  Why wouldn’t you just do what I ask you to if you want to please me and if you really want me to be in charge?  You’re an adult, so it seems as if you would stand up, be accountable and do what needs to be done.

Still, I understand that we don’t think the same way about things.  You feel punishment is something you need – that it is necessary for me to control you.  If that’s the case, then I will do that.  After all, I agreed to meet you at least halfway as often as possible.  Eventually, if I do this, I may better understand the differences in our needs and philosophies.

So, I will punish you.  Whenever you do something that displeases me, first we will talk.  You’ll explain what happened and then I will decide if punishment is warranted.   If I determine it is, I will then withdraw from you the things you really enjoy.  Until I decide it is time for the punishment to end, there will be no kinky play, no sex, no serving me in those fun and pleasurable ways.   I will not say any of those little things that push your buttons in a super sexy way.  I will do nothing to deliberately turn you on.  It’s a shame, really, because you will also be robbing me of the pleasure of doing all those things.  I’ll make do with things that aren’t you – a vibe or something similar – but you won’t be a part of it in any way.

Most of all, you will know how much you have disappointed me.

I know by refusing to spank you or in some other way physically punish you that I am flying in the face of “traditional” Femdom, but we both know on at least some level, you would enjoy that. To me, it’s not logical to give you what you want as a reward for disappointing me.

That doesn’t that mean spanking and other forms of kinky “punishment” are completely off the table – they’re simply reserved for a good boy who pleases me by doing his best.

(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)

I’m really beginning to enjoy myself with you.

Watching you kneel to taste me.  Feeling your hands caressing the soft curves of my behind.  Seeing my wetness on your face after your lips and your tongue work together to bring me to climax.  Leaning forward and running my own tongue along your lips to taste myself.  Yes.. I love that.

Tying your wrists and ankles to the bedframe with soft, silky scarves.  Leaving you aching and unable to touch.  Providing you with the perfect view to watch as I slowly remove my clothing and allow my fingers to caress each newly exposed area of flesh.  Laughing in delight as you futilely strain to touch after seeing my fingers stroke the softness between my thighs.  Moaning with abandon as my body arches in release while you remain controlled by my silky softness – controlled and denied.   Mmm… yes, I love that.

Slipping my finger inside my warm wetness.  Smiling at your helpless form lying on the bed, your arms and your legs still bound.   Running my sweetly-coated finger along the tip of your hardness.  Laughing yet again in delight as your body stiffens and you pull against the scarves, your cock jerking in response.   Teasing and stroking til you are begging for release.  Wanting it but not wanting it – your mind consumed with that delicious confusion.  Standing, kissing your cock – your cock that is now my cock – then turning and leaving the room.  Glancing over my shoulder as I do to see the surprised, helpless, and completely aroused look on your face.  Oh yes.. I love that.

It’s easy to love doing these things with you because I feel sexy when I am with you.  You let me know in so many ways that it is me you desire -  not the kink, not the control – just me.  That’s really important to me.  If you are only interested in the kink and the control, then what makes me any different than a prostitute or a professional Dominatrix?   I admit it took awhile in the beginning for me to feel sexy when doing new things.  After all, I’m older and not as fit as I was when I was 20.  Your loving attention and appreciation for my body and the things we do have helped me grow in confidence.

It also helped that you didn’t present me with a really far out list of things you wanted.   I know you want those things but to expect me to go so far so fast is totally unrealistic and completely unfair.  It’s much better if you are patient and let me move forward at my own pace. 

Some of the things you want are things that I will probably never be able to do.  I know that’s difficult to hear, but it’s not fair for me to tell you I will when I know deep down inside I can’t or won’t.  I will do some of the things you desire when I choose and when I desire them as well.  As time goes by I will probably do more because my confidence and comfort level will grow.  Please don’t push me or try to manipulate me as that only undermines what you say you really want – for me to be in control.

In the end, we each will have to give a little to find a place where we can both enjoy what we have.  I’m willing to do that and I hope you are as well.

(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)

When my teasing excites you so much that you are taken to your knees, begging – cock hard and your entire being wanting – it’s sometimes difficult to even think because my arousal is so strong.  All I can do is feel.. feel the quickening of my breath, the hardness of my nipples, and the wetness between my thighs.

I love controlling your body and your mind in every way.  Even now as I think about it, I pause to touch so that my body can feel the pleasure that already crowds my mind.

Mmm.

Still, I need for you to know that your surrender isn’t all about sex.  It’s not just about controlling your cock or being pleasured by you.  That’s a big part of it, yes, but I need other things from you as well.

I need to be wooed and I need to be served (and I’m not referring to cleaning the house or doing the laundry).  Sometimes I will tell you what I want and sometimes – well sometimes you’re just going to have to use that brilliant mind of yours to think of ways to please me :)   Learn about me and the things that interest me.  Do things for me that are related to what I like even if they do absolutely nothing for you (after all, I’m sure you’ll feel pleasure from pleasing me, won’t you?).  If you aren’t sure if something will please me, ask.  I’ll be certain to let you know how appreciative I am of your initiative ;)

(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)

(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)

It’s ok that sometimes it’s about you.  That’s normal, healthy, and if I love you then that’s how I want it to be.  If it’s always or almost always about what you want and need, then something is obviously missing.  I’m going to be resentful at best and eventually angry and bitter if you persist.  Who could blame me?

Do you know what I want?  Not what want me to want, not what you think I should want, but do you know what I really want?   If you do know – if you are sure that you know – have you given it to me?  If not, why?  If you truly want a Femdom or Female Led Relationship (FLR) and not just to have your own buttons pushed, then you will have asked me and actually listened to my response.  In fact, before you tell me all the things you want me to do to and for you, all the things you want to change about our relationship, understand I’ll listen better if you ask me first about my wants and needs. If you are going to submit to my control, then being most concerned about what I want is your job.   Trust me to be concerned about what you want because doing so is my job.

Additionally, once we begin our Femdom or FLR  if you lose focus and it becomes all about you, things are almost certainly doomed to fail.

A few signs it’s all about you:

• Most of the “relationship conversation”  and energy is centered on what you want and need and why I should give it to you.
• You see everything through you-colored glasses, so even when it is about me, it’s still really about you (ie, how I can benefit from giving you what you want, how well I am or am not doing in giving you what you want, etc.).
• When you are given a task or agree to doing something for me, you forget, have to be reminded, or just do not do it.

As your lady – the one you say you want to be in control – let me be concerned about all things you.  If you make me happy, I’ll want you to have the things you need and much of what you want within my abilities to give them to you.   All I ask is you do your best as well.

~ ~

Remember, I’m not saying this is what every woman will feel or should behave, nor am I saying anyone should or shouldn’t pursue things in this way.  It’s how I think I would react and what would work for me.  Your mileage may vary.

I’d like to make it clear that I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with a man sharing his needs with his partner.   I’m merely suggesting he might wish to consider how he approaches the situation and that he makes certain to consider her feelings as well.

(I added this note to the original post as apparently I did not make myself clear.  I wanted to make a separate post to make certain my comment was noted by those who had already read yesterday’s entry.)