For the last few days I’ve been following an interesting discussion at “Whatever She Says“. I will preface my remarks by stating I genuinely feel for the blog owner and his wife. He seems to be sincerely attempting to resolve the conflict between his wants and needs with those of his wife. That can’t be easy when they are so very different.
I’d also like to clarify that I in no way think a Femdom / Female Led Relationship is all about the woman, nor do I think failed attempts to follow that dynamic is solely the fault of the man. There are two people in every relationship, both with wants and needs. Both have a vested interest in finding an agreeable way for those needs to be met and many of the desires fulfilled. If they don’t, how will the relationship survive? That said, does that mean all his wants and needs are going to be met his way? Well, you tell me.
When attempting to find an established dynamic that works for both, I believe it is paramount that both possess realistic expectations as well as a willingness to be accountable for our individual actions. There are a few “truths” circulating through the Femdom / Female Led Relationship blogsphere that I believe do damage to some who are attempting to achieve those things.
In the comment section of the post I referenced above, “Very Happy Wife” remarked:
When a man has an orgasm his overall behavior changes, and usually not for the better. His submissiveness diminishes and can take several days or weeks (depending on age) to recover to an acceptable level that his wife will enjoy.
That is why a husband should not masturbate unless his wife tells him to do it right then and there. If she says do it when you want once in a while, I don’t mind, she will not get the full effect of having and enjoying a horny husband. And he is not helping to fulfill a wife led marriage. If whatevershesays doesn’t masturbate, even with his wife’s reluctant ok, he will be a better husband, and his wife will see the better state that he has kept himself in. In other words, without an orgasm, he will give his wife alot of devotion and adoration, she will apreciate that and see the nice difference.
He can tell her that he is saving himself for her, she is the one who owns him, so he wants all of his pleasure to come from ONLY his wife. But he must make a promise to his wife, as my husband did to me, not ever to masturbate again. I have had my husband denied for up to 10 weeks at times, he is so submissive and wonderful after 3 weeks that I really hate to give him relief. It pleases me to have him that way longer and longer each time. He has said that if that is what pleases me, then he wants that also. We do make love often, but he is only allowed a certain number of strokes in me and then he must take it out. Of course I get my orgasms. I have told him that accidents are forbidden, and that the punishment for having one is 6 months of absolutely no sex for him in any shape or form. It has been years now that we have this relationship and he has not disobeyed this.
Remember, between 6 and 10 orgasms a year is more than enough orgasms for a husband. I like to go on the lower side of this scale. It works for us. Thanks!
I absolutely know this is not the case for all men. Sure, everyone has that, “Oh wow I can’t even be bothered to move” time after release, but days or weeks? Is that true for most of you?
It’s one thing to say, “Orgasm denial works well for me, it helps motivate and focus me”, that’s constructive information. “I have to have it this way or I cannot live up to my promise to surrender control to you” seems to take the power away from the Domme and place the surrender on an act. It also seems to say “I can do this if you do something sexual to me, but I can’t surrender out of love and desire.”
Perhaps it’s all just perspective, but then again, isn’t D/s a perceived exchange of power? How we view what we are doing and why makes a conscious and subconscious impact on the dynamic.
Besides, and this will surprise you I am sure, I do not like being told I have to do things a certain way ;)
“Remember, between 6 and 10 orgasms a year is more than enough orgasms for a husband. I like to go on the lower side of this scale. It works for us. Thanks!”
I can respect that it works for you, but how did you arrive at a number that is applicable to every man?
Denial is appealing to some men, but what about we ladies who love controlling his arousal and feeling, watching, and/or hearing him release? Those are things that excite me and give me pleasure. Why is my control any less if I say “release” as opposed to saying “no”?
I’m not saying there doesn’t need to be a sexual component to a relationship for most people (not just men) to be happy. I’m merely saying in a FLR/Femdom relationship, isn’t the “how” by definition up to her?
“Worship Her” went on to add:
Lady Julia, wives really do not want their husbands to be relieving themselves, or whacking off as he wrote. They do like us better when we are very horny and then very attentive. If whatevershesays makes the decision not to do it himself, as the above post states, he will be a better husband and more devoted. Lets face it, after an orgasm our attitude changes about our sex turnons, they are there but put way on the back burner until we start getting horny again. And then they surface. His wife will like the changes in him and ask why. She will like not having the high and lows in his libido. Always high. Then she will realize how important it is that a wife maintain strict control of orgasms she allows every so often to her husband. And bad behavior results in her punishing him by adding weeks or months onto the wait time. My wife adds months now. Twice in 3 years I have made her very angry. The first time was 2 additional months, the second time was 3 months of more wait time. She did cut that back though, but next time she said she will not.
Although wives are in charge, sometimes they do need a few suggestions, especially on male behavior. It makes for a better WLM.
Oh? I didn’t get that memo about wives not wanting their husbands to relieve themselves :)
Certainly I like it when he’s denied and horny and that’s one “tool” of Femdomness that I enjoy using. However, I expect him to be attentive period. Shouldn’t *I* be the motivator for his attention?
I’m entirely respectful that these things work in both your relationships, but don’t we each have to determine what works in ours? There is no “one way” to do things.
For a while now I’ve be silent when I read comments like these, but I do have a concern when I read that a woman *must* do certain things to control her man. Won’t forcing foreign ideation on her only serve to frustrate her, leave her feeling she has failed, and ultimately leave their attempts at a Femdom/FLR relationship an abysmal failure?
“Although wives are in charge, sometimes they do need a few suggestions, especially on male behavior. It makes for a better WLM.”
Absolutely. I have never thought or suggested otherwise. I can’t lead if I don’t know what he needs and what pushes his buttons. Those are some of our best conversations. I love knowing what makes him tick and why, because it makes controlling him exciting and leaves me with not only a number of ways to accomplish my goals but also helps me when I attempt to discover things even he doesn’t know ;)
As always, this is my point of view. I’m sure there are a number of differing opinions among my readers – opinions I am eager to hear. Comment away ;)
