Today I had my first totally free afternoon in… well I can’t remember when. It didn’t matter that it was raining a little or that at times it was a little cool – I was free. Don’t get me wrong – I love my job and my other responsibilities but lately they’ve been bearing down on me pretty heavily. It gets like that for everyone, I know.
I visited a park that’s a little bit outside of town. It’s quiet there during the day with all the kids at school and most everyone else at work. Listening to the sounds around me, I was aware of how tense I have become. I had to actually work to relax. As I sat and watched the ducks waddling and swimming around, I eventually could feel the tension slipping away.
For a while now I’ve felt parts of me growing dimmer and dimmer. The creative side of me for one – the side that likes to write, shoot photos, and create erotic hypnosis MP3s. This past couple of weeks that aspect of me has begun to re-emerge at least a little. The sexy side of me has really been affected as well – the side that is always thinking of something playful or sensual or just down right hot to do. That part of me seems so far away and that’s something I never thought would happen to me. It scares me some. I’m afraid I’m becoming just another 40 something woman who would rather think about anything than sex. I can think about sex in the abstract, but… it’s much more difficult now for me to really feel it or to want to initiate anything remotely resembling eroticism. I try going through the motions. Sometimes that makes me feel even worse because it feels as if I am faking it. I’m not… I just don’t feel it the way I used to. Well, every now and then I do, but not anything like the old me.
I’m hoping the old me is still in there, just buried under a bunch of stress and worry… and if I am honest, a bit of depression. I’ve sort of a plan to resurrect those parts of me. For one thing, I’m going to take some guilt free time for myself 2-3 times a week. We’ve someone who is coming in to stay with Bill during those times so that I can do whatever I want without worrying that he’s needing something and I’m not there to do it.
For another, I’m going to resume my workout schedule. If I have to do it in the middle of the backyard with nosy neighbor getting a total eyeful, I’m going to do something to get the endorphins flowing. I work a lot, but a lot of my work involves sitting with Bill. My dad always used to say “Sitting around will kill ya quicker than anything” and I think he was probably right. Maybe my body is ignoring me a bit sexually because I’ve been ignoring it.
And.. I’m going to quit feeling guilty about all the things I can’t get done. Maybe. That’s the one I’ll have to work the hardest on. I’m pretty sure I expect a lot more from myself than other people do, so it’s time to relax.
It probably seems odd that I’m sharing all this and I’m guessing it will surprise the people that don’t know me, but as I walked around the park I was thinking about the women in the exact same place as me. I guess if there is even one woman who is reading my blog that can say, “I can so relate”, I’m glad I wrote this. I think this sort of thing happens to a lot of women – even women like me who used to think about sex almost as much as they say men do :) We don’t have to feel odd, or guilty, or alone. What we do have to do is try to fix it. If my plan doesn’t work, then my next step is to talk to my Dr. Maybe there’s something wrong physically and there’s something that can be done. All I know is – I want the old me back and I want her back yesterday! Well, ok, I’ll settle for soon. I didn’t get here overnight so it’s ok if it takes awhile to find the old me again. I just can’t give up til I find her.
