There were a couple of people who indicated a desire to discuss LOST with me. After thinking about it, I thought it might be fun to do conduct the conversation here. We’ll do it in the comment section so we won’t spoil it for others who may be a bit behind. I’ll be adding my thoughts after I watch each week’s episode, so don’t peek til you’ve seen the latest one :)
No, I don’t mean Lady GaGa or this cover featuring her sporting a strapon. I am referring to the vast amount of truly venonmous comments I’ve heard and read about this talented lady. Ok, sure, her music might not be everyone’s preferred style, but I can’t help wondering why the hate?
At any rate, fan or not, I thought some of you might enjoy the image.
Just a few bits and pieces for now.
Thus far I’ve only had one story submitted in February for posting on Femdom Fantasies. If you have something to submit (smiles – deliberate choice of words) then please contact me.
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A reader asks:
What kind of music do you find the most likely to get you in the mood?
Anything sung by a man whose voice is sexy. I have a thing for voices, so much so that I would say it’s the physical quality that most attracts me to a person. Leonard Cohen, Marvin Gay, Barry White – all yummy. Accents – also delish, although I can’t say I notice them much when someone is singing.
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Another reader wonders:
Why don’t you charge for your MP3s or access to your sites? Nothing of quality is free.
Nothing of quality is free? Seriously? I’m never reading any Shakespeare again! No, no – it’s free. It must be worthless. The same for anything composed by Beethoven and performed by a symphony. (Not all symphonies charge for admission.)
I don’t charge because I don’t want to charge. If I charge, then people might have an actual right to gripe and I like being able to say sorry – it’s free. No gripey if it’s free. I write my blogs and create MP3s because it is FUN for me to do so. It’s an outlet for my creativity and I want nothing to pressure me or steal my fun when it comes to these things. My life is very stressful at times so a pleasurable and creative hobby is very important to me.
I also don’t accept money for what I do because in my mind that seems to take the control from me and give it to whomever is paying. I like being in control, most especially of what *I* do. I’m not saying that is the case for others – just for me.
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Finally, another reader questions:
What are the benefits of being financially controlled by a female online who is genuinely interested in helping me to be financially submissive?
You really didn’t leave me enough information to respond. *How* is she controlling you financially? Are you giving her money to do this or is she an online friend who is merely setting limits with you? Is the goal to make you financially responsible? If you’re giving her money, is it your money to give or is it money that is taken away from your family? If you wish, you may clarify here.
Thanks to each of you. If you would like to pose a question, you may do so anonymously here.
A couple of days ago I shared my thoughts on wants, needs, and topping in a Femdom relationship. If they are to have a healthy, happy relationship, I truly believe a couple must consider what a man needs to be just as important as what the Domme needs. Not always a popular opinion, but one I stand by nonetheless.
That said, I also believe if the Domme is to retain control, it’s imperative that each distinguishes between what he wants and what he needs. For him to be persistent about his needs is healthy. When he’s pushy in order to have his wants met – well, I think that’s when topping rears its ugly head.
When determining which is which, perhaps we can view wants as things that can help fulfill needs?* For example:
Needs:
To feel controlled.
To feel desired.
To be fulfilled sexually.
To feel appreciated
Wants (things she can opt to do to help fulfill his needs):
To have his cock kept in a cage.
To have all his orgasms and touching controlled.
To be teased and denied.
To be ordered to do things.
To be spanked as a form of punishment.
To be told he’s sexy.
To be teased.
To be “used” for sex.
To be “forced” to display his naked body for her.
To be allowed to experience sexual release.
To have some of his orgasms ruined.
To be told he’s a good boy.
To be rewarded for what he does.
To be shown off to her friends.
To be praised.
Differentiating wants from needs not only helps ensure the submissive’s needs are met, but can perhaps reduce frustration by making his/her expectations more reasonable. We have a reasonable expectation that our needs are met in a relationship. Having his wants met – well in a power exchange relationship, it’s up to the one in control to decide on that, isn’t it?
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* Certainly this list of “wants” versus “needs” is offered as things to consider, not as fact.
It’s been quite interesting to follow the comments on my two recent posts regarding rape and responsibility. While I don’t agree with all the responses, they certainly provided food for thought.
A couple of things struck me as the discussion unfolded.
It seems as if we aren’t all defining the word “responsible” in the same manner. Are there certain behaviors – like drinking til you pass out in the presence of strangers or walking alone in a dangerous area at night – irresponsible things to do? Well, yes, I consider them to be. If an individual is raped as a result of these actions, is the rape the fault of the victim? Absolutely not. We all make poor choices at time. Doing so does not mean “we get what we deserve” or that “our actions are the reason something happened”.
In taking one last view of the survey results, I find I agree with FTW – the questions are ambiguous and the numbers are probably not statistically accurate. That said, I suspect it does fairly accurately reflect the gap between how males view rape and responsibility and how women see the situation. Would you agree? If so, why do you suppose females take a much harsher position?
Happy Fat Tuesday! If you’re in the New Orleans area, I hope you’re enjoying the celebration.
I just finished a lovely Chinese meal and have watched the first half of this week’s LOST. If you’re a LOST fan, let me know. I am dying to talk to some of you about a couple of things from this season without giving spoilers for those who are behind.
The rest of the evening is going to be pretty busy so I’ll have to wait til tomorrow to catch up with all the comments left on my blogs during the past few days. I adore comments so you guys have been making me smile :) I’ve also received a flood of emails so be patient – I will get back to you :)
Recently, both here and on his blog “She Deserves My Very Best“, Rex has been discussing the ups and downs of his Wive Led Marriage.
He remarked,
Some have suggested I don’t know what my wife wants. O’contrare. I know but I far too often don’t deliver it. I take full responsibility, but why when a man suggests he enjoys being motivated by the sexual component of WLM does he get branded as “topping from the bottom”? Guilty as charged I guess. I genuinely enjoy serving and pleasuring her much more than seeking my own pleasure. I thought that was the definition of being submissive. Why is it that to some the idea that there is something “in it for us” makes our experience somehow not valid or less than honest?
I think that’s a valid question.
It’s easy to say, “accept whatever she gives without asking for more”, but I consider that difficult if there is a great imbalance in the amount of attention each receives. It’s wonderful for a Lady’s partner to actively seek to please her. I feel I am within my right as the Domme to expect that. However, I can’t see any attempts at Femdom lasting if I don’t reciprocate. Yes, the “how and what I do” is my decision, but I cannot forget he needs attention as well. In order to help make sure this process doesn’t fail and that he isn’t topping from the bottom, he has to be realistic, avoid getting carried away with wanting more and more, and accepting that I’ll choose the way.
A periodic review regarding how the relationship is progressing, what each needs and wants, etc. seems important to me. Sometimes people consider any feedback from the submissive to be topping, but I don’t consider that to always be the case. If he has surrendered control, that infers a great deal of trust that I will be concerned about his needs as well as mine. In order for me to do that, I have to know what they are. I don’t consider it to be topping if he shares in an open, honest, non-manipulating, non-pressuring manner. If he is manipulating or pressuring, I need to call him on it.
There are some that profess Femdom is easy, that it takes little to no effort on the part of a Real Domme.* I believe it takes effort on both sides to make any relationship work. Each party has their own rights and responsibilities, their own needs and expectations. I believe ignoring those principles will at a minimum result in two very unhappy people and could well lead to the failure of the relationship.
As always, this is my point of view, a point of view that I know is not shared by everyone in the Femdom, FLR communities. That’s ok, as always, your mileage may vary.
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*The term “Real Domme” is a registered trademark of the One True Way Society. All rights reserved.
I finally located the Haven’s “Wake Up To Rape” Survey Report. A few excerpts:
There are many situations in which some people feel that a person should take responsibility for being raped. Over half (56%) of those surveyed think that there are some circumstances where a person should accept responsibility. Of those people the circumstances are:
- Performing another sexual act on them (73%)
- Getting into bed with a person (66%)
- Drinking to excess / blackout (64%)
- Going back to theirs for a drink (29%)
- Dressing provocatively (28%)
- Dancing in a sexy way with a man at a night club or bar (22%)
- Acting flirtatiously (21%)
- Kissing them (14%)
- Accepting a drink and engaging in a conversation at a bar (13%)
Women are less forgiving than men. They are more likely to think that a person should accept responsibility when:
- Performing another sexual act on them (75% vs. 70%)
- Getting into bed with a person (71% vs. 57%)
- Going back to theirs for a drink (35% vs. 19%)
- Dressing provocatively (31% vs. 23%)
- Dancing in a sexy way with a man at a night club or bar (23% vs. 19%)
- Accepting a drink and engaging in a conversation at a bar (15% vs. 11%)
Just curious – when you refer to “responsibility”, whether some or total, what do you mean? It’s her fault? She deserved it? She should have anticipated that she would be raped? She contributed to the situation?
When I was in my early thirties, I consulted for a company that inspected certain existing and new buildings to make sure they complied with applicable standards. During one such inspection, I accompanied a very, very attractive administrator to an almost-completed facility, “just to make certain there were no last minute things (they) needed to do”.
It seemed a reasonable request and being the somewhat innocent southern woman I was back then, it never occurred to me to be even slightly worried about going. I was a professional, he was a professional, no problem.
At one point during the walk-through, he made a pass. It wasn’t the first pass I had ever rebuffed and being the sort of person who hated hurting even a jerk’s feelings, I was sure I could very nicely put him in his place.
Not so.
Things eventually escalated and I left him lying on the floor gripping his crotch in sheer agony. Given how hard I kneed him, it’s a good possibility he’s still lying there. If he’s not, I suspect he never had an erection again. Either scenario is ok with me since he attempted to rape me.
I never reported that incident to anyone. I, a very average looking, chubby nurse had accompanied a very, very attractive doctor I did not know to a remote location. I was afraid at the time that either no one would believe someone like him would have to force someone like me, or they would think I deserved it.
Now, older, wiser, and more self-confident, I’m not sure it would be prudent to do anything different if I were alone and it was my word against his. Here’s why:
A majority of women believe some rape victims should take responsibility for what happened, a survey suggests.
Almost three quarters of the women who believed this said if a victim got into bed with the assailant before an attack they should accept some responsibility.
One-third blamed victims who had dressed provocatively or gone back to the attacker’s house for a drink.
According to Sky News:
Nearly a fifth (19%) of females said the victim should accept partial responsibility if they go back to their attacker’s house.
And one in eight thought a victim who dances in a provocative manner on a night out is also to blame for any consequences.
I do not even know how to respond to such thinking. How can anyone ever feel comfortable about reporting a rape if this many *women* believe it’s the fault of the victim?
This has been on my mind for a couple of days now, and yes, if it happened again, I would report it. It might not be wise but at the very least, I’d cast doubt on my attacker’s reputation. And, HE would know *I* didn’t let him win even if other people did.
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*This is not a story I generally tell people and most certainly not strangers. I’m speaking up in the hopes that people will discuss this issue and perhaps, as a result, change their thinking. I prefer no comments on my personal situation but I would enjoy hearing your thoughts on the issue in general. Do you agree with the majority of British women? If you do, I won’t take it as a commentary on me or my situation, so please feel free to speak your mind.
Thinking of so many of you and hoping you know how much I value your friendship.
