(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)
It’s ok that sometimes it’s about you. That’s normal, healthy, and if I love you then that’s how I want it to be. If it’s always or almost always about what you want and need, then something is obviously missing. I’m going to be resentful at best and eventually angry and bitter if you persist. Who could blame me?
Do you know what I want? Not what want me to want, not what you think I should want, but do you know what I really want? If you do know – if you are sure that you know – have you given it to me? If not, why? If you truly want a Femdom or Female Led Relationship (FLR) and not just to have your own buttons pushed, then you will have asked me and actually listened to my response. In fact, before you tell me all the things you want me to do to and for you, all the things you want to change about our relationship, understand I’ll listen better if you ask me first about my wants and needs. If you are going to submit to my control, then being most concerned about what I want is your job. Trust me to be concerned about what you want because doing so is my job.
Additionally, once we begin our Femdom or FLR if you lose focus and it becomes all about you, things are almost certainly doomed to fail.
A few signs it’s all about you:
- Most of the “relationship conversation” and energy is centered on what you want and need and why I should give it to you.
- You see everything through you-colored glasses, so even when it is about me, it’s still really about you (ie, how I can benefit from giving you what you want, how well I am or am not doing in giving you what you want, etc.).
- When you are given a task or agree to doing something for me, you forget, have to be reminded, or just do not do it.
As your lady – the one you say you want to be in control – let me be concerned about all things you. If you make me happy, I’ll want you to have the things you need and much of what you want within my abilities to give them to you. All I ask is you do your best as well.
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Remember, I’m not saying this is what every woman will feel or should behave, nor am I saying anyone should or shouldn’t pursue things in this way. It’s how I think I would react and what would work for me. Your mileage may vary.
No related posts.
Lady Julia,
This series is wonderful — I wish it had been up a year ago! It would have made things so much easier for my wife and I… as it was it took me a few months to realize what you are saying here, to stop projecting what I wanted onto her as what I “knew” she wanted.
Thank you and I hope to see more of this series, showing things from a female perspective!
Finally someone with the guts to say this and with the class to say it nicely and without offense.
You are amazing. Love your blog. Love you. Wish I was yours. :-)
This was tough to read but it would be tougher to hear from my wife. Thank you for this. I hope I never forget the insight I have gained here.
Almost no one can get a relationship right 100% of the time. Any type of relationship; vanilla, Femdom, etc. Barring extreme dumb luck, to experience lasting happiness, both people in a relationship will have to engage in two way communication with each other, both talking and listening. What you have written in this series could apply to vanilla unions as much as to FLRs. It shouldn’t be a secret that we need to make an effort to get on the same wavelength, but for those who veer off course, there are your kind words of wisdom to guide us back to center. Thank you, Lady Julia. Your words are a precious gift indeed.
I was wondering if you had a suggestion for a powerful ritual to do with a submissive but one that wouldn’t require a lot of domme experience on my part.
Fellas, thanks for the kind remarks. I’m glad if sharing my perspective helped.
Jade, I’ll write something about rituals in the very near future :)
Arafin,
I agree with your statement completely. We, in a vanilla relationship, must learn what each other wants and needs. Relationships take work.
Will