You’ve asked me to punish you whenever you do something that displeases me.
To be honest, that’s not a concept I can really grasp. Why wouldn’t you just do what I ask you to if you want to please me and if you really want me to be in charge? You’re an adult, so it seems as if you would stand up, be accountable and do what needs to be done.
Still, I understand that we don’t think the same way about things. You feel punishment is something you need – that it is necessary for me to control you. If that’s the case, then I will do that. After all, I agreed to meet you at least halfway as often as possible. Eventually, if I do this, I may better understand the differences in our needs and philosophies.
So, I will punish you. Whenever you do something that displeases me, first we will talk. You’ll explain what happened and then I will decide if punishment is warranted. If I determine it is, I will then withdraw from you the things you really enjoy. Until I decide it is time for the punishment to end, there will be no kinky play, no sex, no serving me in those fun and pleasurable ways. I will not say any of those little things that push your buttons in a super sexy way. I will do nothing to deliberately turn you on. It’s a shame, really, because you will also be robbing me of the pleasure of doing all those things. I’ll make do with things that aren’t you – a vibe or something similar – but you won’t be a part of it in any way.
Most of all, you will know how much you have disappointed me.
I know by refusing to spank you or in some other way physically punish you that I am flying in the face of “traditional” Femdom, but we both know on at least some level, you would enjoy that. To me, it’s not logical to give you what you want as a reward for disappointing me.
That doesn’t that mean spanking and other forms of kinky “punishment” are completely off the table – they’re simply reserved for a good boy who pleases me by doing his best.
(This post is a continuation of my “if I were a vanilla woman and my partner wanted me to dominate him and/or be the boss” series.)
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Lady Julia,
Is today Tuesday? I do like the Terrific Tush picture;-).
Now on the topic, I have never understood the wanting to be punished. Personally, I want to be 100% pleasing to my lady all of the time. I’m not. Sometimes there are life conflicts. Other times I just miss the hint. But still, I don’t like to disappoint.
When I disappoint because of life conflicts, of course, I want her understanding. If my radar didn’t pick up on a hint, I would rather get better directions and a make up opportunity.
After all, my pleasure comes from pleasing not from disappointing.
I still like today’s picture.
Will
This is the most perfect post on punishment I’ve ever seen. Doing something that the sub doesn’t want is the perfect punishment.
Submissive women usually seek punishment by being bratty while submissive men often do it by being passive aggressive. They will “forget” to do things, will be “too busy”, they are often late. Either way it is all attempts to get what they want. Some submissives and all masochists crave punishment in some form. I think it is wise to separate punishment from pain/pleasure because IMO when an adult says they can only behave or do X if they are punished they are either dysfunctional or being manipulative. Give them the pain/pleasure when they have earned it.
If fun punishment is part of the play, then it seems reasonable to tie it to fun disobedience. “How dare you tickle me?! Very very naughty. Bend over!”
But passive aggressive? Yeah, that’s worth of *real* punishment: being ignored or deprived of the things one enjoys.
I need to have discipline from a Domme and I do not think I am alone. That is why it is called BDSM. The D is for discipline in case you do not know.
When she takes me over her knee and spanks me it makes me feel safe and submissive to her. It helps me focus after I cum so that I will not forget who controls me.
Compelling, well-written, and practical. This series is a must-read for everyone considering a FLR.
Dear Lady Julia,
I hope that eventually you will compile this entire series together in one place. It is valuable, fun, and good reading. (Would that it help many see more deeply into that which is called “Femdom”.)
Terms for things often hold different meanings according to surroundings. In Greece the up and down movement of the head means “no” and the sideways movement means “yes”. That “punishment” is the playful term for reward in D/s settings can be confusing to outsiders. Truth be told, it can even be confusing to insiders who lose track of what earns a reward and what does not, but that is hardly the fault of the reward itself. You are so right on the mark with this entire series.
Thank you!
Arafin
Terry I believe the lady is well aware of the meaning of the word discipline as it relates to BDSM. Although she is polite and refined it is obvious she is a Tigress.
If you cannot be controlled without physical intervention then there is a problem in my opinion. If you like pain and it is one of the things a Domme can use to control you that is understandable in a submissive man.
Thank you everyone for your lovely comments.
Arafin, I will probably pull this series of articles into a summery format including links and place it on the main section of my website. Sometimes things get “lost” in a blog, so I think you’re right to suggest doing something to make sure that doesn’t happen.
Terry, discipline and punishment can take many forms. I accept that it works well for some if it is physical. I may not understand the logic of giving someone what they want when they disappoint me, but I know that some don’t see physical punishment as rewarding a submissive. It all depends on the people involved and what’s going on inside their heads. My way is not the only way – it’s just my way.