I need to tell you something. It isn’t an easy thing to tell you because I’m so afraid you will be hurt or feel as if you are not important to me when nothing could be farther from the truth. Even though I’m afraid to, I know I have to tell you because we agreed that being honest with each other was paramount if we are going to make our relationship work.
Sometimes I don’t feel like being the Domme. Sometimes I don’t feel sexy and sometimes I don’t even want to think about sex. When I feel this way I don’t want to tell you what to do, I want you to do what you are supposed to do and agreed to do without anything sexual from me to drive you.
I know that sounds so harsh and blunt and I’m sorry. Please understand, this isn’t a result of anything you have done – it isn’t you, it’s me. I’m aware that phrase is a big relationship joke, but it’s really true. I’m feeling stress from so many areas of my life and right now those things are all I can think about.
Telling you embarrasses me. I worry you will think I am not sexy anymore and that you will feel I am failing you. I’m also afraid that by telling you, I will make you feel you need to try and fix it. I know this is what most men believe they should do when a woman tells them about her problem(s). Well, this is something you can’t fix. I have to handle this one.
You can help, though. Don’t push me – it feels as if everyone and everything around me is already doing that. Just be there for me, let me know you still love me after you read this, and that you still find me sexy. Now is the time to focus on serving. You know me, you know what things I like and what relaxes me so take the initiative to do those things. Other than that, I’ll let you know what I need.
I know this sounds really selfish but if I can’t get past this, our Femdom, Female Led Relationship isn’t going to work because I can’t hold up my part when I feel this way. This is temporary – just a hurdle to get past. I love the thought that you are there for me, holding out your hand to help me make the jump.
And…. let’s just keep talking about this, ok?
(This post is a part of my If I Were a Vanilla Woman and My Partner Wanted Me to Dominate Him and/or Be the Boss” series.)
~ ~
I feel the need to confess that I didn’t actually write this post solely for the series I’ve been doing. I’ve been feeling this way off and on for the last little while. I feel guilty when I do, because I have a great life and if there is ever a woman who has had validation from others that she is sexy, it would be me. I’m really lucky that way and I know it. In spite of all that validation, the description in the first paragraph is pretty much how I feel at times of high stress.
Right now I’m really stressed but I know from past experience that I won’t stay in this place for long. I could have ridden this out and almost no one would have been the wiser. I wanted to admit this because even though it isn’t a popular thing to talk about, I believe many women from time-to-time feel they aren’t sexy and find themselves uninterested in sex. I don’t believe it matters if they are vanilla, Domme, submissive, rainbow-flavored, or whatever. I suspect a number of men feel this way on occasion as well, but I think most are even less comfortable saying “I don’t want to even think about sex right now” than women do because of course, men are supposed to be thinking about sex all the time.
Maybe it won’t, but I’m hoping that my sharing this might help someone feel a tiny bit better about the situation they are in and might also encourage them to ask for the assistance they need from their partner.
~ ~
* If you feel a diminished interest or total lack of interest in sex more frequently than every now and then, this may warrant checking with your Dr to make sure everything is functioning as it should be. Again, there’s no need to be embarrassed. Many people deal with these sort of feelings.
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On first look some might find your admission scary, but anyone who truly looked deeper would see the logic of your honesty, even the necessity of it. As you have often said, “No one can be on all the time”. I suppose a few live as if they are. Well, good luck to them. I think they’ll need it. I know that some people really do expect a D/s relationship defined in black and white, but I’d be curious to know how many of those successfully cross unexpected hurdles, (things not defined in any contract or agreement of informed consent). I just don’t see how any type of relationship can succeed without good old fashioned human flexibility.
Oh, by the way, … I’m a man and I don’t think about sex all the time, nor do I think I should. In fact, just this morning I banged my head on a cupboard door and ……. (no, … I was thinking about sex then). OK, about a week ago I was mowing the lawn and hit a rock and wasn’t thinking about …… (nooooo, ….. I guess I was thinking about sex at that time, too). Ah, I know! It was nearly this time last year when my truck slid into a ditch as the emergency brake let go and I definitely wasn’t thinking about …….. , hmmmmmm ……. ok, ok, I guess I DO think about sex all the time. Damn!
Arafin
Lady Julia,
Thank you for sharing that. Was it difficult for you to write? I hope not. You shouldn’t feel guilty. You have given us all so much.
I am new to femdom. I guess I always assumed that you would take a break from time to time. That any domme would. I never realized that people expected dommes to be on their game all the time. Everyone needs a break.
There is a double edged sword to being popular. I guess we all just want “just five minutes” of your time, and don’t realize what a burden that can be at times.
Your words have personally helped me because I always feel I should be fixing things. It is good to reminded that this not always possible. Sometimes the best thing I can do is just be there.
Care givers are always taking care of others. That is what they do that is what they are. Sometimes they forget to take care of themselves.
Please take care of yourself too.
Mike
I have lost complete respect for you. I used to think you were really hot and knew exactly what to say to get men going but this is crazy. How can any man every consider you to be his Domme after reading this? If you have some type of problem like this then you should talk to one of your Domme friends. Talking like this so openly makes you look weak. A weak woman cannot control a submissive man. If you were really a Domme you would never feel this way.
Finally the real you comes out.
Everyone woman does NOT feel that way. I feel in control and sexy all the time. I think about sex often and of how I am going to use it to gain even more control over my slave. All my friends feel and act the same way. No one ever speaks of feeling like this or thinking like this.
People who can’t handle it all the time are wannabe Dominants. For some strange reason you liked the idea of being a Domme but you lack the capacity to be one.
How powerful is a Domme who can admit her vulnerability and humanity, ask for love and support, yet still control whenever she chooses?
Arafin, you are so funny.
I just wonder if being “on stage” all the time is what ruins entertainers lives. Michael Jackson for instance. Some people feel the need to be performing all the time. They can never let up. Eventually they burn out. I agree with you that this just does not seem like a healthy way to live.
I think humans do best with some balance in their lives. It does not need to be 50/50. It can be 99/1. But at least occasionally we all need to kick back and relax a little.
Mike
And the troll(s) comes from under the bridge…
Anyway I agree with Mike & Arafin.
-Manet
I don’t see anything startling about what that you have written. Your first section continues in the same pattern as all the other posts in this series by writing as if you were a vanilla woman speaking to her partner. In the second section you admit that you are human like everyone else on the planet. What about this indicates that you are not a Domme? It appears your honest presentation of reality interrupted someone’s fantasy.
Almost everything you have written in these posts could apply to any relationship. This one included since there are very few people who feel sexy or who have an interest in sex 100 percent of the time. It’s common for stress to effect how we view sex.
You are beautiful and sexy both in personality and in appearance. It is ok if you do not feel this way all the time. It doesn’t change how we see you and those of us who are close to you are here to support you when you need it. Anything you need you only need to ask.
Lady Julia,
My husband sent me to your blog and to the articles for vanilla women. I never knew until lately that women came in flavors.
He has been telling me how he feels about being dominated. At first I was freaked out becasue it all seemed so weird. I also felt bad because what is wrong with me? I want to have a happy marriage but I don’t know if I can do all he wants me to do.
After reading your information I think I can try doing this. You have written about most of what concerned me and have given me an idea of how I could react to those things. Since I see there is a way to react that is not awful it makes it easier for me to look for ways to do it that are something that I could do.
You have really helped me. The biggest help was seeing how important it is to tell him how I feel. Thank you.
Sara
Lady Julia, I know this was difficult for you to say ahold but you should be commended for bringing it to the attention of others. As a fellow Domme I too try hard to express (if not only in my blog but elsewhere) that I do not always “feel” like dominating due to a number of things including outside influnces.
We are humans first.
We are Dommes second.
Thanks for reminding us all!
Dear Lady Julia,
I admire your openness and honesty and love you for who you are not for who think you should be.
Jerry
You do more in a day than most people do in three days. It is no wonder you are stressed sometimes. Stress weighs heavily on people and sometimes pushes away any desire for pleasurable things. Except for maybe chocolate. ;-)
Yes men feel this way too or at least this man does. Since I have been ill I have felt this way often.
I believe one of the most important things you said in all of this is that it takes working together with someone who cares and talking to them about it. Pretending it isn’t happening doesn’t solve anything and it may make the other person think things that aren’t true. If you do not feel sexy or want sex your partner can believe it is something that he is doing wrong and that he is the one who isn’t sexy.
Talk and work together. They help every relationship even the non-romantic ones.
Dogma is Rarely Truth
We are just humans in the end,
women, men, children and in-between.
All the rest is imagination.
If sex is better as a slave
or as the Lord or Lady who commands
and defines every sensation,
then who should care if no one objects.
Submission to a spiked heel
or a dominatrix in a corset
is sweet if that is one’s perfect construct.
But when the play is over,
we are the same. If the part never ends,
then we are not human, we are
something else that is unchanging
and terrible in its aspect.
Let us push each other’s buttons,
over and over
no matter what they do.
It only matters that you love me
and I love you.
After reading many Female Led Relationship blogs I feel that this is common. I can understand that being in charge is demanding. I have been in charge all of my life, and it is no picnic. That is why I like to be submissive to my wife: it is a way to vent my stress.
Many men who want to play D/S expect 24/7 sexual play except when they are busy with other stuff that gets in the way. That is selfish and unrealistic, just as a woman expecting 24/7 servitude from a man.
It is all right to just hang out from time to time, enjoy life as regular folks, and then get back to serious D/S when in the mood again. Anything else is unrealistic.
Nick, if you lose respect for others so easily when they have the courage to be honest, perhaps you are just not cut out for D/s. Openness and respect are the foundations upon which both dominance and submissiveness are built.
Mistress Lisa, I’m glad that you feel in control and sexy all the time. I’m just not exactly sure what you are in control OF. It can’t be your manners, can it? Sexy all the time? Sounds suspiciously like an unfulfilled nymphomaniac to me.
Arafin
Your willingness to step out from behind the “domme” stereotype demonstrates a quiet confidence in your ability to control when you desire, not when others think you should. Only those not capable of such confidence and a sense of self would feel the need to disparage it.
Only those with the confidence and strength to reveal themselves as you have can expect me to drop to a knee before them. Those who simply stereotype themselves to fit other’s desires could only hope to be the domme you can be… when you want to be. And isn’t what you want what it’s all about?
j
Well said, Pete. You are so right.
Arafin
Mistress Lisa,
Of course you think a lot about sex. Most adolescent boys your age do. While you may not understand all that is happening to your body, please be assured that these feelings are very natural and healthy. I think this blog offers a safe, non judgmental way to explore these newfound emotions.
There are also many valuable resources to help you through this exciting yet awkward time. Several filmstrips come to mind including “Hair Down There!” and “Why It Feels Funny When I Climb The Rope In Gym Class”. They’re both educational and entertaining and probably available at your local library.
One last thought. I know it may be fun to pretend to be other people when searching sexy sites on the net. Particularly during your special “alone” time, but please be careful. Things and people are not always what they seem on the net.
Best of luck!
How boring life would be if we were always in the same mood, day in and day out.
My job requires me to make decisions *constantly*. Most of those decisions are small. Some are trivial. But some are a big deal. Some have reaching impact throughout my company and (due to what I do and who I do it for) could lead not only to losing significant customers but could lead to loss of life. To then come home and be forced to remain in that brain mode would leave me worn out. I’d burn out rapidly.
I need a break from every moment being filled with decision making.
And so, it’s my expectation that anyone else would feel the same way. That any other person would want a break from that stress. It’s completely natural that someone would want a certain percentage of their time NOT making decisions.
I did so enjoy the posts from the trolls here though. My father used to quote Abraham Lincoln:
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.
This is good advice that the trolls may want to consider.
Lady Julia,
If I thought you would not think I was insane I would be down on one knee right now proposing to you. You are funny, sexy, bright, articulate, creative, and genuine. I have never known a woman like you. I have watched you for years trying to see if I could see something that woud show me you were not “real”. If anything my respect for you grows.
On one knee,
Christopher
Sorry Lady Julia, it has been a while since I last visited this blog. I feel I might have come across as a bit pushy to you in recent emails I sent you, regarding re-mastering your mp3’s, As I stated I do get a little impatient sometimes. if I have come across as a bit pushy I appologise, I did not realise how you were feeling, but I think it is good that you are being open and honest. Lady Julia I do hope that you start to feel much better soon. It seems to me though that you are trying to do too much. You recently started more blogs, and this is of course time consuming. You need a little more time for yourself, I think maybe you are devoting far to much time to your blogs.