(Image by Natalia Artemieva – Artaddict.org)
“What things do you want and need from your submissive? What things might your submissive say or do to excite you?”
I enjoy controlling his pleasure both through what some deem “vanilla”* sexual acts and gestures as well as the D/s ones. Yes, “vanilla” sex, tenderness, companionship are all important to me and I imagine to most Dommes who don’t live in “Pro Domme Land” or “Fantasy Land”. Obviously I enjoy the more dominant things as well: knowing I decide when, if and where his fantasies are fulfilled; the knowledge I can control him without his awareness he is being controlled; making my desires his desires; taking him to the edge and back, and to the edge again.
It’s pretty easy to predict what will excite me sexually. It’s not any particular act, it’s about my control and his surrender.
What do I want and need? I want and need everything one wants and needs from any relationship. With regard to the D/s aspect, I need more than to control him. I need more than being the one that fulfills his fantasies. I need more than sex. I need to know he is as concerned about my wants and needs as I am his – ALL my wants and needs, not just the sexual and kinky ones. I need to feel important to him outside the sexual things. I need to know he enjoys doing things for me as much as he enjoys having his sexual buttons pushed. It might be a different feeling, but he has to value that feeling as much as he does the sexual excitement.
In other words, I need to know I matter as more than a means to fulfill his kinky desires.
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*I dislike the term “vanilla” as it is used by so many to mean something bland or ordinary. Intimacy, tenderness, companionship – if I had to choose between that and kink, kink would be out the door. Fortunately I don’t have to choose :)
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I love this answer and only wish I’d had it a few years ago — when I started in this lifestyle with my wife I made the assumption that kink went kit and kaboodle with it… fortunately she slowed me down until I got it and now I think we’ve got a good rhythm going where kink is a reward — not a daily occurrence — and oh boy is it good when it comes :)
I don’t like the term “vanilla” either, for the same reasons you state. I like to think “Budding D’ and i have a “cookies and cream” relationship – mainly “vanilla” but with little bits of kink !
Those little bits are increasing – in no small way due to the understanding I’ve gained from you – and for that – and the increasing bits :-) I am grateful.
Thank you for sharing that with us.
You are really an interesting woman. I read many blogs about domination and while most of them are full of hot kinky sex none of them are really practical. Your way of dominating seems like it is real and that anyone who wanted to could do it. You’re not afraid to say no to the stereotype and write about things simply because they are what men want.. Kudos.
Thank you, Paul. I just write about what works for me.
Dear Lady,
I don’t have a problem with the term “vanilla” for it has a specific meaning in the D/S and FLR context: no explicit kink. However, even in a vanilla relationship kink exists as spice for what might be ordinary sex. My understanding of the vanilla relationship is “loving” without strings so to speak. It does not, however, exclude power play in the bedroom and outside. That is why I don’t demean people who are “simply vanilla”. They do what it takes. In my life my wife and I slip between vanilla and heavy duty FLR, but we never lose the loving relationship.
SP, I agree. In the end, love is what it’s all about.