A reader asks:
Do you think for a woman to be comfortable being the dominant spouse she needs to first be self confident or is it ever the case that when embued with the “title” dominant they grow to fill those shoes? I ask for the obvious reason. My wife has willingly agreed to lead but is more of a shrinking violet than a venus fly trap if you get my meaning. If only women could take a pill and… voila’ instant dominatrix. I’ve heard the advice (and repeated it like a mantra) to let her find her own way. Unfortunately, she is directionally challenged when it comes to this. I encouraged her to read blogs such as yours and even started my own to allow my thoughts out there without directly confronting her with my desires etc. For me their is obviously a HUGE sexual component to this lifestyle dynamic that appears to be non-existent for my wife. I am one of the lucky ones who’s wife is willing to travel this path but the result is decidedly unfulfilling for both of us. If it weren’t for the severe inhibition and need for secrecy I think she would do well to befriend a confident dominant woman who could help nurture her “inner bitch” to steal a phrase. Your thoughts are coveted.
Before I respond to your questions, I’d like to ask you to take a few moments and try to put yourself in her shoes. Imagine she’s just told you that she desperately wants you to become an incredibly romantic man – suave, debonair, always full of wonderful words and tender gestures that will sweep her off her feet and melt her heart. Would that be easy for you to accomplish? How would you feel about her request? Would you at times feel self-conscious and uncertain? With effort and time, could you learn to feel more confident about being the super sexy romantic leading man? Would it ever feel “natural”? Perhaps you’ll never be the suavest guy in the world, but I wonder, would she be happy if you were somewhere in between the person you are now and the Cary Grant type she (hypothetically) desires?
When evaluating your Femdom relationship progress, it might help to keep in mind your answers to the above questions. I’m not suggesting you avoid sharing your wants and needs with her or that she shouldn’t be willing to try to meet those wants and needs. I’m simply pointing out that it isn’t easy to assume a role that differs from the person we are. Being realistic in our expectations is crucial.
With regard to your original questions, I agree it takes quite a bit of self-confidence to comfortably assume the lead in a relationship. If she desires to build confidence in her ability to dominate you, there are a number of things that may help achieve that goal. Among other things, I believe it’s important that she receives positive feedback, experiences successes, learns to accept and like who she is and who she is becoming, avoids comparisons to others, and simply has fun with the Femdom activities she pursues.
We offer feedback in both conscious and unconscious ways. Of course, we can offer words of praise and we should. However, if our body language, tone of voice, or other conversations offer a negative tone, that speaks volumes. If we tell someone they’re doing well and then later criticize much of what they do, we send mixed messages. Unfortunately for many, the negative carries more weight. If she perceives *you* think she’s sexy and in control, that she’s “doing it right”, she’s more likely to believe that herself.
With every success, our self-confidence grows a little. Since that is the case, keeping our expectations low in the beginning, attempting easier-to-achieve goals or changes, and focusing on building on our strengths will all aid in ensuring successes. For example, if she asks you to do something rather than telling you to do it – she’s still asking for what she wants. For many women, that’s a difficult thing to do. If she’s not normally the type to ask, consider it a success when she does. Your responses and attitudes regarding her efforts greatly effect her perception of how she’s doing.
For many, accepting and liking who they are is at least partially dependent on the opinions and behaviors of the people they love. (I’m not saying that is always the case or that it should be – just that for many it is.) I try to make certain requests for relationship changes don’t send the message that there is something inherently wrong with my partner or the relationship. There are aspects of our lives that both enjoy, however there are always a few things that we can do to enhance what we have.
Avoiding negative comparisons to others is critical. I’m not like other Dommes and that not only absolutely works for me, it has always worked for my partners as well. That said, I would be lying if I professed that negative comparisons to “real Dommes” didn’t hurt when “friends” made them early in my exploration of my Femdomness. If they had chosen someone whose personality wasn’t so vastly different from mine and had said, “you might find some of her ideas would work for your style of dominance” rather than “real Dommes are like her”, I would certainly have been more open to considering the things I read.
Fun activities tend to build confidence levels, because we associate the feelings we experience with success and happiness, feelings that lead us to gravitate toward those type of activities again. Relaxing and doing the small but fun things like tease or mild bondage with scarves can be confidence building. This is especially true when she receives acknowledgment that you enjoyed it very much as well – even if it isn’t as kinky as you might ultimately wish it to be. As her comfort level grows, the more willing she may be to explore other things.
She can gain confidence in her ability to assume the leadership role in your relationship, but it is unlikely to happen without each of you making a conscious effort. Will it make her the Domme of your dreams? Maybe not, but sometimes getting a bit of what we want can be surprisingly fulfilling.
Finally, I’d like to address your comment about nurturing her “inner bitch”. Does she like her “inner bitch”? I have one and I don’t want to loosen it. I feel out of control, ashamed, and unhappy when that part of me emerges. She may feel ok with releasing that aspect of her personality, but that has to be her decision. One doesn’t have to be a bitch to control a man. That’s one thing I can say to an absolute certainty ;)
I hope sharing my opinions helps provide food for thought. These are things that work in my relationships, however your lady is a unique individual and only you and she know what will work for the two of you.
Best wishes – it does sound as if you are a very lucky guy :)
No related posts.
That is a very beautiful picture. I think that says it all.
As a submissive husband, I have enjoyed considerable success in “seducing” my wife’s dominate nature.
However, I expect there is no “finish line” in these pursuits. There will always be room for growth and improvement for both of us. Reading such excellent advice is so very helpful. Now, it’s 7:12am and I need/want to go kiss her feet as she awakes.
Thank you Lady Julia.
“For me their is obviously a HUGE sexual component to this lifestyle dynamic that appears to be non-existent for my wife.”
Lady Julia was more subtle with her post because she is a much sweeter and more tactful person than me. I don’t mind to ask straight out. What does turn your wife on? If you are not actively trying to give that to her then there is a problem.
I know what turns my girl on and she knows what turns me on. They are two completely different ways of approaching things. Should we do it my way since I am the man and my needs are more important than hers? Some would say yes because I am the Dom and some would say yes because it’s the only way to control a man or keep a man. Bullshit. I give her she needs in the way she needs it. I expect the same from her. If our needs conflicted then we would work on a compromise. To the people who say the only way to keep a man is to give him exactly what he wants with no regard for what she wants then ladies do you need him?
I agree with what Frank wrote. As I was reading the question it angered me that his needs were more important than her own. Does this man even know what his wife wants? She has agreed to Dom him. That was good of her. I hope she has some sincere interest in this. From there it is a question of style and interest, for HER! Why do men say they want to serve but really mean they want to do just what pleases THEMSELVES with her as some sort of doll who does what they tell her a Domme should do.
I am a Domme. I do things my way, in my own style and at my pace. We talk about his fetishes, his ideas and his wants/ needs. Then I decide what we actually do and how it is done. I do not allow him to top from the bottom. Once things slide and I am trying to please him I really do lose interest in the whole endeavour. It gets boring for me. I begin to feel like a robot and wish I had brought a book to read while he “serves” me. Yawn, are you done yet? Is that how your wife feels and doesn’t want to say?
We can’t know for sure he doesn’t know what she wants. Sometimes it’s difficult to present both sides, especially when you’re posing a question. We couldn’t really interact with him to find out more, but hopefully if he reads the post, he’ll be interesting in commenting and sharing a bit more with us.
Thank you Lady Julia for your sincere and considered response.
I think I may have sounded too much like our glass is half empty rather than half full. We haven’t arrived but if I honestly look back over the span of our marriage I see clearly how far we’ve come. And, it’s a long way!
As to the notion that I don’t know what she wants I’m feeling very defensive. Thank you again lady Julia for giving me the benefit of the doubt. I don’t profess to have learned all there is to know about what pleases her but after two decade of marital bliss I think I have a pretty good idea.
I obviously didn’t state my concern clearly in my question. The fact is we have very dissimilar libidos. That’s not shocking. It’s just honest. What motivates me has a strong sexual component to it. That’s not shocking either. My challenge is to find ways to bring her pleasure from my service whether that is sexual or not.
Is it topping from the bottom if my motive for serving her includes giving her what she wants in the hope that she will require more of it?
Hello Rex,
After re-reading your question and response, I was left with a strong impression that you may have a pretty clear and specific idea in your head of what “dominatrix” means to you – for example, your mention of “inner bitch”. In my experience, the popular sex industry pro dom image (which often includes the “being the bitch” feature) is somebody I only encounter in men’s fantasies and the professionals who temporarily adopt that rôle to cater to them. Most of the women I know who are in charge in their romantic partnerships (including myself) entirely differ not only from that image, but also from each other.
Isn’t diversity marvellous? :)
If you do have a clear idea in your head of what “dominatrix” means to you, then you might benefit from checking to see if you are limiting your idea of success to how closely your wife fits into that idea. Even if that isn’t the case, it might be helpful anyhow to allow yourself to get creative and imagine a larger variety of topping and bottoming styles to choose from which you both might enjoy.
Also, I thought these two posts I wrote about validation might be helpful to you.
Good luck. :)
Wow. Finally sitting down to read some of your posts that Rex suggested to me. I didn’t realize he had posted and had such a response. I feel the need to defend him to those of you who were critical, but he can take it and wouldn’t expect me to defend. I’ll just say that he is a wonderful husband and very patient as we have taken “baby steps” down this path together. Lady Julia, I for one find your posts and advice very encouraging. Those who criticize “your way” obviously have a much higher “inner bitch” level than I do. =)
Thanks for the help so far. I look forward to reading more in the future!