Thanks for the help so far. I look forward to reading more in the future!

After re-reading your question and response, I was left with a strong impression that you may have a pretty clear and specific idea in your head of what “dominatrix” means to you – for example, your mention of “inner bitch”. In my experience, the popular sex industry pro dom image (which often includes the “being the bitch” feature) is somebody I only encounter in men’s fantasies and the professionals who temporarily adopt that rôle to cater to them. Most of the women I know who are in charge in their romantic partnerships (including myself) entirely differ not only from that image, but also from each other.

Isn’t diversity marvellous? :)

If you do have a clear idea in your head of what “dominatrix” means to you, then you might benefit from checking to see if you are limiting your idea of success to how closely your wife fits into that idea. Even if that isn’t the case, it might be helpful anyhow to allow yourself to get creative and imagine a larger variety of topping and bottoming styles to choose from which you both might enjoy.

Also, I thought these two posts I wrote about validation might be helpful to you.

Good luck. :)

I think I may have sounded too much like our glass is half empty rather than half full. We haven’t arrived but if I honestly look back over the span of our marriage I see clearly how far we’ve come. And, it’s a long way!

As to the notion that I don’t know what she wants I’m feeling very defensive. Thank you again lady Julia for giving me the benefit of the doubt. I don’t profess to have learned all there is to know about what pleases her but after two decade of marital bliss I think I have a pretty good idea.
I obviously didn’t state my concern clearly in my question. The fact is we have very dissimilar libidos. That’s not shocking. It’s just honest. What motivates me has a strong sexual component to it. That’s not shocking either. My challenge is to find ways to bring her pleasure from my service whether that is sexual or not.

Is it topping from the bottom if my motive for serving her includes giving her what she wants in the hope that she will require more of it?

I am a Domme. I do things my way, in my own style and at my pace. We talk about his fetishes, his ideas and his wants/ needs. Then I decide what we actually do and how it is done. I do not allow him to top from the bottom. Once things slide and I am trying to please him I really do lose interest in the whole endeavour. It gets boring for me. I begin to feel like a robot and wish I had brought a book to read while he “serves” me. Yawn, are you done yet? Is that how your wife feels and doesn’t want to say?

Lady Julia was more subtle with her post because she is a much sweeter and more tactful person than me. I don’t mind to ask straight out. What does turn your wife on? If you are not actively trying to give that to her then there is a problem.

I know what turns my girl on and she knows what turns me on. They are two completely different ways of approaching things. Should we do it my way since I am the man and my needs are more important than hers? Some would say yes because I am the Dom and some would say yes because it’s the only way to control a man or keep a man. Bullshit. I give her she needs in the way she needs it. I expect the same from her. If our needs conflicted then we would work on a compromise. To the people who say the only way to keep a man is to give him exactly what he wants with no regard for what she wants then ladies do you need him?