We were talking last night about tease, denial, arousal, and attentiveness. It’s true that many men are more attentive when denied, but when I remarked that he wasn’t that way, that he was very attentive all the time, he paused. Yes, he’s very attentive in general because of how he feels about me, but he admitted he had noticed that he is even more so when he’s teased and denied.
While I can’t accept that a man can’t be attentive without the tease and denial – that being affectionate, giving, and frequently aroused by the things I do is what I think is reasonable to expect as a baseline for his behavior – I agree there’s no question the orgasm control amps things up a bit for a lot of men. I just don’t believe I’ve paid enough attention what it does to him.
Til now.
Let my latest study in “the psychology of the submissive male” begin ;)
(In a rush because I’m going out for the day, so this isn’t all spell and grammar checked. You’ll just have to excuse me ;)
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You said recently that you sometimes felt you were speaking to an empty auditorium. I have felt this occasionally while performing music for a large audience where it seems like no one is paying attention. Then someone will get up and dance and I can feel the energy and joy flowing back to me. It’s not something you can control or make happen. When it’s hot it’s hot, and when it’s not it’s not,
When I first became aware of sex I was a young Catholic boy, and orgasm denial was absolute, it was a mortal sin until you were married. That was just not fun. Tease and Denial as we recently played it in the Queen of Hearts experience was so much fun just because of the possibility that release might be granted, or even required! That certainly amplified and focused my attention in ways that made me much more aware of what my body and mind were feeling. It made everyhing more vivid. I look forward to hear more of this research from you.
You have a series of related threads going. I guess I’m going to respond to this one and use it to cover all of them. I’m just going to offer some hints and let people go where they want with those hints.
I am generally at my least submissive in the minutes after a really good romp. That, by the way, also corresponds to the period of time in which I am far and away at my most ticklish.
It seems to me that if a woman wanted me to return to a submissive state, it wouldn’t be too hard to use the second fact to do something about the first. *grin*
Relationships take work. ALL relationships take work. Managing a FLR can take a little creativity, but think about all the fun you can have.
There is no one way. Even within a particular relationship, there’s no one way to achieve desired goals. People who decide there’s only one way tend to miss out on a huge amount of fun.
I think you underestimate your attractiveness. Of course he is attentive, he’s with you. What man wouldn’t be? I suspect if more men were like him, more women feel sexy and in control.
Change of subject. I heard a line in a movie that made me think of you. “I’ve seen that look many times. She’s about to get her way.” She had looked back over her shoulder at him and flashed him a self-satisfied smile.
My attentiveness results from a desire to please and submit to the desires of the Lady I love. In my case T&D adds something to that attentiveness. It is not that I am more or less attentive it is just that the attentiveness *feels* different – there is a physical and mental edge to it. Similarly after releasing I am neither more nor less attentive – but the *feeling* is different – satisfied and loving instead of with the T&D “edge”.
“T&D without release” OR “release without T&D” would not be making the best of the emotions available to us to achieve the best relationship.
I like Jay’s comments. T&D does put an edge to it. But it is not the only reason I am attentive. I think any relationship will fail if attentiveness is based solely on sex.
I get a lot of satisfaction pleasing people that has nothing to do with sex. I think to please people you have to be attentive. You have to know what they like. You need to pay attention.
I will say that I appreciate it when a woman is being sexy for me. When I feel appreciated, I feel like pleasing them more. And so on.
Mike
I think Jay and Mike are starting to put into words my thoughts on T&D and attentiveness. My lady and I often say how much we enjoy our evenings together – talking, watching an old movie, cleaning the house, etc, When I’m with her, time seems to move too quickly. I always want more time with her.
Of course, she knows how to push my sexual buttons. If on an evening together, she decides to push a button, I
respond by being attentive in a different way ;-).
Life events (deadline tomorrow, son home from college, etc.) sometimes make it so we can not devote full attention to one another. In those moments, we both have learned to find other things to do knowing that we will have time together again soon.
For me, T and D are just a different way we can spend time together when life events don’t intervene. It’s not the only way that we can be together and pay attention to one another.