A friend and I have recently been discussing the need for women to know how to defend themselves. With very little persuasion on my part he very sweetly agreed to address the issue here for me. Thanks to him for a job well done.
Are strong women feminine? Most of us would say “yes”. But what if that woman was physically strong? What if she was a very good fighter, more than able to physically defend herself? Some of us would say that it is a good thing, but I think a lot of men and some women have trouble with that image. In general we don’t think of women in these terms.
When I was younger I was asked by my karate sensei (teacher) to be a street attacker in his women’s self defense class. Most of the women in the class were there because they were the victims of domestic violence. Very few were there because they just wanted to learn some self defense basics. Thirty years ago you did not see many women training. I think this is slowly changing. But nowhere near the same numbers as guys.
I came to the following conclusions. Women in general just are not into fighting like guys are. Women are not encouraged to take up any training. In fact many are discouraged from taking classes. I think some guys find strong women intimidating. I also think guys are worried it is one more thing she doesn’t need me for. It feeds their insecurity.
All this I kind of understand. I don’t agree, but I understand it. What I found intriguing was that a lot of the women in class were concerned that being a “fighter” was not feminine. This is what I want to discuss.
My sensei would use the following imagery. Watch a nature show about big cats, let’s say tigers. Both the males and females are strong and fierce hunters, but there is no mistaking the females from the males. The female is strong, sleek and graceful. She walks differently, she behaves differently.
The males fight for sex, food and dominance over other males.
The females fight to protect their young and themselves. She will drive off males and predators much bigger than she is. She will do anything to protect her cubs. She will also protect herself when the cubs are not present. She has to defend herself from harm, or her cubs will die. I think this is just beautiful. The females desire to defend herself is driven by their maternal instincts, and their need to protect and nurture.
I think the corollary applies to humans. Women will risk their lives to save their children or someone else’s children without hesitation. Where the analogy breaks down is training. Female and male tiger cubs get equal training. It is part of their play. They are always pouncing and mock fighting. It is perfectly natural for them.
In our culture women just do not get that much self defense training. It is not considered “lady like”.
I think that is utterly false. I think that any woman that learns to defend herself is the very definition of femininity. The instinct to protect themselves and others is supremely feminine. I don’t think it matters if the woman has children or not. Think about how much we depend on the women in our lives. What would our lives be like without their nurturing and support? When a woman protects herself she is also protecting her loved ones.
I would like to see all women receive some training in basic self defense. I wish it was a normal part of growing up. I hope woman realize how important their safety is to us, and how much our lives would be diminished if you were harmed. We don’t always tell you that, but is true.
I hope that guys encourage the women in their lives to get some basic training. We have to give up the romanticized notion that we will always be there to protect them. Unfortunately that is just not true. I wish it was true but it is not. I hope all men realize that a strong woman who can defend herself is very very feminine.
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Lady Julia’s note:
Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.
1 in 12 women will be stalked in their lifetime.
In 2005, an average of three women per day in the US were murdered by an intimate partner.
1.3 million women are assaulted annually by an intimate partner.
These things don’t just happen to other people.
No related posts.
Those statistics usually only represent reported incidents. So the actual numbers are probably very much higher.
I think one reason why women are reluctant to take self defense classes is partly because women are frequently discouraged from prioritising themselves and their safety. If a person, any person, feels that other people are more important than they are (and let’s face it, many, many people do feel that way) then it’s easy to persuade them that disrespectful treatment is all they deserve and can expect. So the very idea of fighting for oneself is alien to many. Teach people to love, respect, and prioritise themselves, and the rest should follow.
Also, regarding femininity – a woman who is alive is very much more feminine than one who is dead.
Thank you to the person who wrote this. This sort of practical advice could say someone’s life.
If you or anyone has knowledge of the types of training that would be best for a 50 year old woman who is short and not in good physical shape I would appreciate suggestions. My sister lives alone and I would like to know she can take care of herself if that is possible.
All humans, regardless of gender, face attack of some kind by others. In most cultures today boys are encouraged to fight and girls are not, though it is changing somewhat, ….. very, very slowly. There is just not the psychological support out there for girls to learn to defend themselves. The really ironic thing is, physical prowess is not necessary to fight well. OK, it is in some systems, but not in others. In fact, it is entirely possible for a little old lady to be able to put a 200 pound muscle man on the ground with naught but the touch of her knuckle. Fighting can be ugly or sexy depending on how it is done. Economy of movement, grace, focus, ….. all these things are what really make a good fighter anyway, … in any system. There is only one reason that so many women don’t learn to physically defend themselves and that is that they don’t realize they can.
When people lived as hunter/gatherers women had much more power in society. Men then applied animal husbandry methods to them and we now live in a world of city laws and habits. Hopefully this will one day change again. Bring back the Temple Priestesses!
Arafin
I enjoyed reading this analysis and have to agree whole-heartedly with both the writer and Lubyanka’s reply.
I have the privilege of knowing a woman who embodied the rare exception to our cultural leanings. She was my martial arts partner 20 years ago while she was still in her late teens and went on to earn a well deserved black belt and become a trainer of trainers. Her athleticism, flexibility and intuitive instincts made her a respected and challenging sparring partner even then.
She now trains professional women trainers in Turbo Kickboxing, an athletic art that essentially gives them some self-defense skills but approaches it from a fitness angle rather than being primarily about fighting. Repetition makes the moves semiautomatic in a fight or flight situation. It may be helpful in that this approach has a greater appeal for some, increases confidence and by virtue of an aura of fitness, gives a potential adversary pause.
My friend is not made in the image of a roller derby competitor either. In my view, her extraordinary level of fitness and expertise polishes to a brilliant sheen her quintessential femininity.
robert
I truely appreciate your taking on Women and defence training issue but I think you are grossly overstating the reason men fight. It’s not about sex and domination. Any armed forces person sent into harms way will tell you that when the bullets start flying, it’s their band-of-brothers that they are fighting for. It’s not Uncle Sam who trained him or her. It’s his buddy in the next foxhole.
In a nut shell, we all fight for the same thing; FAMILY! I’m not an agressive male but it anyone or anything threatens my family (my cubs) you can bet I (and my wife) will rise to the occasion!
Thanks for your eforts
Bob
Lady Lubyanka,
That is a very nice insight.
Low self esteem and the feeling that they deserve the bad things they get is a problem for many people. It is something I try to help people with if I am in a relationship with them where that is appropriate. Every human being is worthy of respect and of being treated respectfully.
The statistics on sexual assault are shocking. What is even more shocking is that the victims are not always women, nor even adults. I think it would be a good thing for every adult to learn self defense.
Hi, I wrote the article.
I have really enjoyed the feed back.
I was trying to narrow my focus to assault. If I implied that men only fight for bad reasons and not good I sincerely apologize. I know many police officers and military men. They risk their lives for others everyday. I respect them so much.
Arafin is right size is not the prime factor. Skill, knowledge and fighting spirit play huge parts. The only woman who escaped Ted Bundy fought like a demon. She had no martial arts training.
I think all women should carry some pepper spray in their purse or car. By an extra can for practice. Practice outside on a non windy day with glasses on. The last thing you want to do is spray yourself in the face.
Picking a style is always tricky. It depends on what is available and your personality. I think it is more important to find a good instructor than the style. I would recommend checking with any women’s groups in your area that deal with violence issues. See if they can recommend anyone. I would also look for schools that focus on self defense. So many focus on tournaments and ring fighting. They are related but not the same thing.
Most fights end up on the ground. It is important that you get some training with ground grappling techniques. This doesn’t have to be the primary focus but you need some training in this.
I would pick a style that emphasizes leverage and technique. Bujinkan, judo, tai-jutsu, jiu-jitsu and Wing Chun might be good choices. But again find the best instructor you can get. I like to observe the kids classes. Does the instructor have control of the class. Does it look fun. Are the kids smiling at the end of class. Smiling kids is a very good sign.
If you are a complete pacifist, Aikido is the closes thing I know to an all defensive style. No strikes or kicks. But it takes a long time to develop the skill where you can do this in a street situation. You have to go with your personality though and what is right for you.
I am not a big fan of cardio-martial arts classes for self defense. It is a great way to get in shape. But I have never personally seen one where they taught good fundamentals. Most of the people I see in these cardio classes will get killed in street fight. Most will break their wrist or ankle if they actually manged to hit someone. I take it on faith that their are some cardio classes that teach good fundamentals. I am sure some exist somewhere. I personally have not seen it. If you can find one and that is your thing, go for it.
I am in my 50s. I am returning to martial arts after a long hiatus. It is difficult. I have no flexibility any more. My instructor is excellent at modifying techniques for me. As soon as I master the modification, he amps it up. Not all instructors are this helpful.
Thomas. Tell your sister anyone can do this. You start where you start. It is a great way to get in shape. I am discovering new muscles all the time. The best advice I got was never use the words “I can’t” without the word “yet”. Always say, “I can’t yet.”
I hope this helps.
Robert
I just noticed that my last response might seem a little harsh. In my area they don’t recruit trained martial artists for cardio-kickboxing. They are usually 20 something hotties that took some weekend class. These people are typically in fantastic shape, but don’t know what they are teaching.
I still think that simulated attacks is the best approach. But to someone new, cardio-kickboxing from a qualified person would be a good introduction. Your woman friend’s students are very fortunate.
Things I would look for in a cardio-kickboxing class.
Do they teach you how to make a fist.
Do they teach what parts of the hand and foot to use and how to tense them.
Do they show you how to kick (to protect your knees).
These are important so you don’t get hurt.
Also do not hyper-extend you arm when punching. You can really mess up your elbow doing this.
Do not hyper extend your knee when kicking. Same deal. This is a good way to get injured.
I see this time and time again observing classes. The instructors never correct it.
A good instructor will work with you to make sure you are using good safe technique. If you are not getting some one on one instruction move on.
i hear you.
i took one of my friend’s master classes recently. Because of her background (about 12 years martial arts training) i was impressed that she explained specific correct techniques for her trainers, with emphasis on avoiding injury or hyper-extension. She provided a lot of the background meaning for movements, demonstrating “this”, not “that”. But it was group rather than one on one instruction.
A lot of the focus was also on choreographing a routine to music. There are aspects which loosely parallel Kata, but it is more about achieving cardio fitness than perfecting self-defense techniques. i agree that there is no substitute for the effectiveness of one-on-one training by the best qualified self-defense instructors.
But in my experience, in a genuine fight or flight situation things can happen so fast that often only automatic gross motor movements become an effective part of personal combat. Someone who has developed their reflexes, stamina, coordination, is not paralyzed by fear – if they are quick, agile, strong and able to control distance, dodge, block and wield strikes that stun an attacker – they will also stand a good chance of creating an avenue of escape.
While i agree that genuine martial arts training is preferred, i’ve also seen that a there are more people who will become involved in group fitness that would never have the time or inclination to enter a Dojo.
robert
There is nothing feminine about a woman being done a bad thing against her will. Whatever it takes, she should use to defend herself. The problem is that no matter how much a woman trains in hand to hand combat, there will always be another person who will take advantage and be stronger or faster.
Training is good, it helps with self esteem and physical strength, but my personal choice is an itty-bitty gun that will impress even the biggest male or female bully. Don’t just show it. If you have it, and if you need it, use it.
I have never killed anyone on a whim. Neither have I pulled a gun just to show my prowess. I am not advocating violence via weapons or by hands. On the other hand, when I am threathened with overwhelming force, I will use what I can to avoid, or if all else fails, to reciprocate lethal damage.