Wants versus Needs

February 18th, 2010


A couple of days ago I shared my thoughts on wants, needs, and topping in a Femdom relationship.  If they are to have a healthy, happy relationship, I truly believe a couple must consider what a man needs to be just as important as what the Domme needs.  Not always a popular opinion, but one I stand by nonetheless.

That said, I also believe if the Domme is to retain control, it’s imperative that each distinguishes between what he wants and what he needs. For him to be persistent about his needs is healthy.  When he’s pushy in order to have his wants met – well, I think that’s when topping rears its ugly head.  

When determining which is which, perhaps we can view wants as things that can help fulfill needs?* For example:

Needs:
To feel controlled.
To feel desired.
To be fulfilled sexually.
To feel appreciated

Wants (things she can opt to do to help fulfill his needs):
To have his cock kept in a cage.
To have all his orgasms and touching controlled.
To be teased and denied.
To be ordered to do things.
To be spanked as a form of punishment.
To be told he’s sexy.
To be teased.
To be “used” for sex.
To be “forced” to display his naked body for her.
To be allowed to experience sexual release.
To have some of his orgasms ruined.
To be told he’s a good boy.
To be rewarded for what he does.
To be shown off to her friends.
To be praised.

Differentiating wants from needs not only helps ensure the submissive’s needs are met, but can perhaps reduce frustration by making his/her expectations more reasonable. We have a reasonable expectation that our needs are met in a relationship. Having his wants met – well in a power exchange relationship, it’s up to the one in control to decide on that, isn’t it?

~

* Certainly this list of “wants” versus “needs” is offered as things to consider, not as fact.

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, Relationships, male submission | 27 Comments »

Just One More Post About This and I’ll Let it Drop – Probably

February 17th, 2010


It’s been quite interesting to follow the comments on my two recent posts regarding rape and responsibility. While I don’t agree with all the responses, they certainly provided food for thought.

A couple of things struck me as the discussion unfolded.

It seems as if we aren’t all defining the word “responsible” in the same manner. Are there certain behaviors – like drinking til you pass out in the presence of strangers or walking alone in a dangerous area at night – irresponsible things to do? Well, yes, I consider them to be. If an individual is raped as a result of these actions, is the rape the fault of the victim? Absolutely not. We all make poor choices at time. Doing so does not mean “we get what we deserve” or that “our actions are the reason something happened”.

In taking one last view of the survey results, I find I agree with FTW – the questions are ambiguous and the numbers are probably not statistically accurate. That said, I suspect it does fairly accurately reflect the gap between how males view rape and responsibility and how women see the situation. Would you agree? If so, why do you suppose females take a much harsher position?

Posted in Misogyny | 14 Comments »

Randomness for February 16th

February 16th, 2010


Happy Fat Tuesday! If you’re in the New Orleans area, I hope you’re enjoying the celebration.

I just finished a lovely Chinese meal and have watched the first half of this week’s LOST. If you’re a LOST fan, let me know. I am dying to talk to some of you about a couple of things from this season without giving spoilers for those who are behind.

The rest of the evening is going to be pretty busy so I’ll have to wait til tomorrow to catch up with all the comments left on my blogs during the past few days. I adore comments so you guys have been making me smile :) I’ve also received a flood of emails so be patient – I will get back to you :)

Posted in Random Thoughts of a Hypnodomme | 4 Comments »

Topping, Attention, and a Nice Tush Picture

February 16th, 2010

Recently, both here and on his blog “She Deserves My Very Best“, Rex has been discussing the ups and downs of his Wive Led Marriage.

He remarked,

Some have suggested I don’t know what my wife wants. O’contrare. I know but I far too often don’t deliver it. I take full responsibility, but why when a man suggests he enjoys being motivated by the sexual component of WLM does he get branded as “topping from the bottom”? Guilty as charged I guess. I genuinely enjoy serving and pleasuring her much more than seeking my own pleasure. I thought that was the definition of being submissive. Why is it that to some the idea that there is something “in it for us” makes our experience somehow not valid or less than honest?

I think that’s a valid question.

It’s easy to say, “accept whatever she gives without asking for more”, but I consider that difficult if there is a great imbalance in the amount of attention each receives. It’s wonderful for a Lady’s partner to actively seek to please her.   I feel I am within my right as the Domme to expect that.  However, I can’t see any attempts at Femdom lasting if I don’t reciprocate. Yes, the “how and what I do” is my decision, but I cannot forget he needs attention as well.  In order to help make sure this process doesn’t fail and that he isn’t topping from the bottom, he has to be realistic, avoid getting carried away with wanting more and more, and accepting that I’ll choose the way.

A periodic review regarding how the relationship is progressing, what each needs and wants, etc. seems important to me.  Sometimes people consider any feedback from the submissive to be topping, but I don’t consider that to always be the case. If he has surrendered control, that infers a great deal of trust that I will be concerned about his needs as well as mine. In order for me to do that, I have to know what they are.  I don’t consider it to be topping if he shares in an open, honest, non-manipulating, non-pressuring manner. If he is manipulating or pressuring, I need to call him on it.

There are some that profess Femdom is easy, that it takes little to no effort on the part of a Real Domme.*   I believe it takes effort on both sides to make any relationship work.  Each party has their own rights and responsibilities, their own needs and expectations.  I believe ignoring those principles will at a minimum result in two very unhappy people and could well lead to the failure of the relationship.

As always, this is my point of view, a point of view that I know is not shared by everyone in the Femdom, FLR communities.   That’s ok, as always, your mileage may vary.

~

*The term “Real Domme” is a registered trademark of the One True Way Society.  All rights reserved.

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, Relationships, Terrific Tush Tuesday, male submission | 20 Comments »

More About “It’s Her Fault”

February 16th, 2010

I finally located the Haven’s “Wake Up To Rape” Survey Report.   A few excerpts:

There are many situations in which some people feel that a person should take responsibility for being raped. Over half (56%) of those surveyed think that there are some circumstances where a person should accept responsibility. Of those people the circumstances are:

  • Performing another sexual act on them (73%)
  • Getting into bed with a person (66%)
  • Drinking to excess / blackout (64%)
  • Going back to theirs for a drink (29%)
  • Dressing provocatively (28%)
  • Dancing in a sexy way with a man at a night club or bar (22%)
  • Acting flirtatiously (21%)
  • Kissing them (14%)
  • Accepting a drink and engaging in a conversation at a bar (13%)

Women are less forgiving than men. They are more likely to think that a person should accept responsibility when:

  • Performing another sexual act on them (75% vs. 70%)
  • Getting into bed with a person (71% vs. 57%)
  • Going back to theirs for a drink (35% vs. 19%)
  • Dressing provocatively (31% vs. 23%)
  • Dancing in a sexy way with a man at a night club or bar (23% vs. 19%)
  • Accepting a drink and engaging in a conversation at a bar (15% vs. 11%)

Just curious – when you refer to “responsibility”, whether some or total, what do you mean? It’s her fault? She deserved it? She should have anticipated that she would be raped? She contributed to the situation?

Posted in In the News, Misogyny | 5 Comments »

It’s Her Fault

February 15th, 2010

When I was in my early thirties, I consulted for a company that inspected certain existing and new buildings to make sure they complied with applicable standards. During one such inspection, I accompanied a very, very attractive administrator to an almost-completed facility, “just to make certain there were no last minute things (they) needed to do”.

It seemed a reasonable request and being the somewhat innocent southern woman I was back then, it never occurred to me to be even slightly worried about going. I was a professional, he was a professional, no problem.

At one point during the walk-through, he made a pass. It wasn’t the first pass I had ever rebuffed and being the sort of person who hated hurting even a jerk’s feelings, I was sure I could very nicely put him in his place.

Not so.

Things eventually escalated and I left him lying on the floor gripping his crotch in sheer agony. Given how hard I kneed him, it’s a good possibility he’s still lying there. If he’s not, I suspect he never had an erection again. Either scenario is ok with me since he attempted to rape me.

I never reported that incident to anyone. I, a very average looking, chubby nurse had accompanied a very, very attractive doctor I did not know to a remote location. I was afraid at the time that either no one would believe someone like him would have to force someone like me, or they would think I deserved it.

Now, older, wiser, and more self-confident, I’m not sure it would be prudent to do anything different if I were alone and it was my word against his. Here’s why:

According to the BBC:

A majority of women believe some rape victims should take responsibility for what happened, a survey suggests.

Almost three quarters of the women who believed this said if a victim got into bed with the assailant before an attack they should accept some responsibility.

One-third blamed victims who had dressed provocatively or gone back to the attacker’s house for a drink.

According to Sky News:

Nearly a fifth (19%) of females said the victim should accept partial responsibility if they go back to their attacker’s house.

And one in eight thought a victim who dances in a provocative manner on a night out is also to blame for any consequences.

I do not even know how to respond to such thinking. How can anyone ever feel comfortable about reporting a rape if this many *women* believe it’s the fault of the victim?

This has been on my mind for a couple of days now, and yes, if it happened again, I would report it.  It might not be wise but at the very least, I’d cast doubt on my attacker’s reputation.   And, HE would know *I* didn’t let him win even if other people did.

~

*This is not a story I generally tell people and most certainly not strangers. I’m speaking up in the hopes that people will discuss this issue and perhaps, as a result, change their thinking.   I prefer no comments on my personal situation but I would enjoy hearing your thoughts on the issue in general. Do you agree with the majority of British women? If you do, I won’t take it as a commentary on me or my situation, so please feel free to speak your mind.

Posted in In the News, Misogyny | 20 Comments »

Happy Valentine’s Day

February 14th, 2010


Thinking of so many of you and hoping you know how much I value your friendship.

Posted in Random Thoughts of a Hypnodomme | 6 Comments »

More on Tease, Denial, and Attentiveness

February 13th, 2010


We were talking last night about tease, denial, arousal, and attentiveness. It’s true that many men are more attentive when denied, but when I remarked that he wasn’t that way, that he was very attentive all the time, he paused. Yes, he’s very attentive in general because of how he feels about me, but he admitted he had noticed that he is even more so when he’s teased and denied.

While I can’t accept that a man can’t be attentive without the tease and denial – that being affectionate, giving, and frequently aroused by the things I do is what I think is reasonable to expect as a baseline for his behavior – I agree there’s no question the orgasm control amps things up a bit for a lot of men. I just don’t believe I’ve paid enough attention what it does to him.

Til now.

Let my latest study in “the psychology of the submissive male” begin ;)

(In a rush because I’m going out for the day, so this isn’t all spell and grammar checked. You’ll just have to excuse me ;)

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, Tease and Denial, male submission | 6 Comments »

Her Story: How My Boyfriend Successfully Introduced FLR to Me

February 13th, 2010



In response to yesterday’s post, Hormonal Urges, Love & Respect: What Motivates You?, Leslie remarked

As someone fairly new to FLR, I’m definitely open to advice – and was definitely prey to some of those aforementioned Absolute Truths of Femdom. It was only when I stopped listening to what I *should* be doing – and instead focused on what I *wanted* to be doing – that I began really having fun. A lot of fun. :) I’m convinced now that, if my boyfriend hadn’t introduced me to female dominance, I would’ve eventually discovered it on my own. Not the whips ‘n chains part (which I don’t care for) but the teasing. The tantalizing. The drawing of his passions to the edge of ecstasy… and then playfully pulling back. I’m gradually acclimating myself to other kink, and my boyfriend and I have an ongoing dialog about what works, what doesn’t, what each of us wants, ect. But I believe – and you’ve mentioned this several times – that what a new Domme needs the most is space. Space to learn, grow, make mistakes, and find herself. It wasn’t until my boyfriend discovered that (and stopped topping from the bottom) that we actually got somewhere. Somewhere happy and fun and satisfying. For both of us.

I’m not sure where the arbitrary 6-10 orgasms/yr came from, but it could never work for me. My boyfriend is 25 and I’m a couple weeks shy of 24. Forget 6 orgasms a year. Guys his age probably whack off 6 times a *day*. If I told him that his releases would be as drastically curtailed as that woman suggested, the poor guy would probably die of a broken heart. :( And that wouldn’t be fun. Why not instead keep him wondering, guessing, and tantalizingly (but not frustratingly) on edge. And then – when he least expects it – blow his mind. Or not. :) Now, *that* is my idea of a good time.

Life in general is not a one-size-fits-all kinda deal. So, why should our relationships be? I applaud you for the depth and authenticity of your writing. In the internet realm of latex, crazy fantasies (and more male body parts on display without warning than I actually care to see, haha) your blog is a wonderful breath of fresh air. And a true class act..

Thanks for sharing your success story, Leslie and for explaining so clearly why it worked for you. I posted it here so that more people would notice and perhaps feel comfortable posing questions about your experience.

(Thanks also for the nice words. You’re very sweet.)

Posted in Female Led Relationships, Femdom, male submission | 3 Comments »

Absolutely Hilarious

February 13th, 2010


Maybe being sick has totally warped my sense of humor but I found this hilarious.

Bete de Jour’s “The Royal Mail Stole My Vulva“

Posted in Humor | 1 Comment »

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