Today I had my first totally free afternoon in… well I can’t remember when. It didn’t matter that it was raining a little or that at times it was a little cool – I was free. Don’t get me wrong – I love my job and my other responsibilities but lately they’ve been bearing down on me pretty heavily. It gets like that for everyone, I know.
I visited a park that’s a little bit outside of town. It’s quiet there during the day with all the kids at school and most everyone else at work. Listening to the sounds around me, I was aware of how tense I have become. I had to actually work to relax. As I sat and watched the ducks waddling and swimming around, I eventually could feel the tension slipping away.
For a while now I’ve felt parts of me growing dimmer and dimmer. The creative side of me for one – the side that likes to write, shoot photos, and create erotic hypnosis MP3s. This past couple of weeks that aspect of me has begun to re-emerge at least a little. The sexy side of me has really been affected as well – the side that is always thinking of something playful or sensual or just down right hot to do. That part of me seems so far away and that’s something I never thought would happen to me. It scares me some. I’m afraid I’m becoming just another 40 something woman who would rather think about anything than sex. I can think about sex in the abstract, but… it’s much more difficult now for me to really feel it or to want to initiate anything remotely resembling eroticism. I try going through the motions. Sometimes that makes me feel even worse because it feels as if I am faking it. I’m not… I just don’t feel it the way I used to. Well, every now and then I do, but not anything like the old me.
I’m hoping the old me is still in there, just buried under a bunch of stress and worry… and if I am honest, a bit of depression. I’ve sort of a plan to resurrect those parts of me. For one thing, I’m going to take some guilt free time for myself 2-3 times a week. We’ve someone who is coming in to stay with Bill during those times so that I can do whatever I want without worrying that he’s needing something and I’m not there to do it.
For another, I’m going to resume my workout schedule. If I have to do it in the middle of the backyard with nosy neighbor getting a total eyeful, I’m going to do something to get the endorphins flowing. I work a lot, but a lot of my work involves sitting with Bill. My dad always used to say “Sitting around will kill ya quicker than anything” and I think he was probably right. Maybe my body is ignoring me a bit sexually because I’ve been ignoring it.
And.. I’m going to quit feeling guilty about all the things I can’t get done. Maybe. That’s the one I’ll have to work the hardest on. I’m pretty sure I expect a lot more from myself than other people do, so it’s time to relax.
It probably seems odd that I’m sharing all this and I’m guessing it will surprise the people that don’t know me, but as I walked around the park I was thinking about the women in the exact same place as me. I guess if there is even one woman who is reading my blog that can say, “I can so relate”, I’m glad I wrote this. I think this sort of thing happens to a lot of women – even women like me who used to think about sex almost as much as they say men do :) We don’t have to feel odd, or guilty, or alone. What we do have to do is try to fix it. If my plan doesn’t work, then my next step is to talk to my Dr. Maybe there’s something wrong physically and there’s something that can be done. All I know is – I want the old me back and I want her back yesterday! Well, ok, I’ll settle for soon. I didn’t get here overnight so it’s ok if it takes awhile to find the old me again. I just can’t give up til I find her.
No related posts.
You are undoubtedly the kindest woman I have ever known. You’re also one of the most courageous. You’re not worried about your online image. You’re not embarrassed to admit these things to total strangers when most people would feel hesitant to share it with close friends. You’re only worried that someone else out there is going through the same thing and you want to help them. That is so typical you.
Everything will eventually be ok. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
And for the record those of us who know you can see that sexy woman inside you even if you can’t.
You have been through a lot and of course that will take it’s toll, and it will change you. You say you want “the old you” back, but she is still right in there. What makes you *you* is what keeps us coming back to the magic you exude and we are certainly willing to be patient as you reconstitute yourself. It’ll come. Whether it comes when you plan or when you least expect it, it will come.
I’m so glad to hear you’re getting a little break from the worries of life.
The exercise will definitely help fight depression better than any pill, and should help get the sexual side of you fired back up as well.
Other than that… what David said. “Kindest woman in the world”… not a bad mantle to hang one of that hats you like on.
J
This explains so much.
If you desire direction you may contact me. I am sure I could help you.
I often feel this way especially if I am not actively playing with My “fly friends”. I find the more that I indulge Myself with their special kind of company the more My sex drive is ignited so I guess it is like most things in life……..if you feed it, it will grow……….if you starve it, it will fade. There are ebbs and flows in everything, if it was all hot hot hot all the time how could we know how “hot” is hot if we had no cool/cold to compare it with? My “creative” side also diminishes when I am not “playing with flies” but I know that it still lives and continually bubbles beneath and if I simply want to re-ignite it I go to the place where once again I can “feed” it
Black Widow, thank you. I have usually found the same to be true when I actually had time to feed those parts of me. I suppose I could sleep less and play more. Sleep is already fairly elusive anyway so perhaps I should just make the best of that :)
I don’t know you very well yet Lady Julia, but I can see when a person is depressed. Maybe the events of your life have caused these feelings to surface, but maybe there is also another reason. Maybe you are at that time of life which affects so many women badly, just a thought. Go see your doctor, and see if there might be an underlying physiological cause for the way you are feeling. I would really like to see happy and positive again.
Arafin, David, and Pete: Thank you so much. You’re always such sweet and caring men.
Lisa: Thank you for the offer, but I’m not interested in being directed by something with whom I so fundamentally disagree.
Hypnojunkie: That thought has crossed my mind a number of times, but I do hope most of this is situational. I have an extremely high degree of stress and responsibility, my father passed away a few months ago, and I ended a relationship with someone I really cared about only days before my father died. If it is situational, more of the pain will pass – it already isn’t quite as bad as it was. I just have to learn how to handle the stress and responsibility a little better. Bill (my boss) says I just need to listen to him more in that department and maybe I do :) If things don’t change within a couple of months, I’m going to lean more toward your line of thinking and see a Dr. Thanks for being so sweet.
Lady Julia,
Your post was very moving. So open. So honest. So you.
Even I as a 40 something male experience some of those feelings. LIfe can take a toll on us – parents, children, jobs, etc. Sex can get pushed into the background.
Will
Care givers are typically bad at taking care of themselves. Please take care of yourself too. It would make us all happy.
Mike and Will – thank you.