My first relationship after my divorce was amazing – hot, wild, passionate, loving. So many of the things I had not felt or done during the lonely, difficult years of my marriage I shared with him. To say I loved him would have been understating the extent of my feelings.
We met on a penpal website – he from London, me from the Southern US. Things progressed, we met in person, fell in love, and spent as much of each year together here as the government would allow. Since his work could be done almost completely via the internet or phone, it didn’t matter where he worked, so why not here? Eventually our relationship grew to the extent that we began to tentatively discuss marriage. Since every time he went home our hearts broke a bit, we realized how crazy it was to keep doing that to ourselves when he could apply to stay here permanently if we were married.
In the midst of researching his immigration options, he began having some physical problems. A trip to his physician led to some horrible news – he had cancer. When he told me I was heartbroken, but I thought – we can fight this. Since his health insurance was through the British National Health Service, it would have meant me moving to the UK but that was something at the time that I was more than willing to do. To my dismay he didn’t agree with my plan. On his last visit here, he told me he couldn’t allow me to sacrifice my life with my family, friends, and career to take care of a dying man and, even though all throughout our relationship he had always been more than happy to let me lead, he was insistent on this issue. We said our goodbyes and he left.
Having someone know you so well that they can anticipate your every move is not a good thing in situations like this – he knew as soon as his plane left the ground I would begin making plans to follow. He called when he arrived home to let me know he was safe and that was the last time I spoke with him. He discontinued his phone service and apparently moved soon after with no forwarding address.
I spent months – long, long months – with my heart shattered. I cried every day for so many weeks that the season changed more than once. It wasn’t just the loss of a love – it was the not knowing. Was he OK? Was he even still alive? After several years with no word, I assumed he had passed away.
A while back my phone rang and with a “Hello My Love” he re-entered my life. It seems he’s in remission and has been for some time now. Since he has a good chance of going on to lead a fairly normal life, he felt it was safe and reasonable to contact me again.
I was relieved. I was angry. And.. for some reason I felt some of the heartbreak all over again. How could he have gone all that time without letting me know he was OK? How could it hurt so much when I know I have moved on?
After speaking with him for awhile, I told him I didn’t want to become involved with him again. I understood his reason for ending our relationship, but I really couldn’t accept that he thought it was reasonable for him to make such a drastic decision about my life even if he did think he was doing what was best for me. Surely I was capable of deciding if giving up my life here was something I was prepared to do. After all, it wasn’t as if a nurse was not aware of what lay ahead for him and for the person caring for him.
Once more I told him goodbye.
He’s called me a number of times since, almost always getting my voice mail because the identity of the person phoning me was withheld. A couple of times I answered without realizing who it was, but the conversations were extremely brief. I want to be left alone.
Today yet another “name withheld” call came through and once again I let it roll over to voice mail. When I finally listened, I heard his voice telling me he was here – not just here in the US, but here in my town. He had to fly to a city nearby on business and now that his business is concluded, he wants to see me.
For what I hope is the final time, I told him no. Hopefully he will accept that and move on. He doesn’t know where I live now, but he has visited with my family a number of times when we were together and could easily show up at my mother’s home if he was so inclined. He’s promised he wouldn’t and has reassured me the next step was mine. “I’ll be in town a week. I couldn’t give up without at least trying – surely you cannot blame me for that.”
In the movies situations like this would be accompanied by soft, romantic music. He’d walk up to me, sweep me in his arms and I would melt into him. In real life I sit alone in a darkened room, tears rolling down my cheeks, trying in vain to push away the pain.
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wow, what a tough situation, but I think I agree with you. If he couldn’t be a standup guy before and let you love him, and he just disappeared like that, there is nothing that says he couldn’t do it again.
Lady Julia,
Do you want to forget about this guy ever existed or do you want to enjoy the time you did have together?
Dear Lady Julia,
This man is not pursuing you, he is pursuing his attachment to you. If he truly wanted to show respect and care he would accept your decision and stop trying to see you, especially planning to come to your town for a week. (I assume that he has no legitimate business there.) I know you once had strong feelings for this person and may have some feelings still, but when someone does not accept that “no” means “no” to this extent, then it is perhaps time to consider stronger options. Letting go of attachments can be extremely tough, but letting go of the pain that results from clinging to attachments the way he has can be a lot harder. He needs to understand this immediately. Good luck with this situation. You deserve far better.
Arafin
Have often enjoyed reading your blog…Things usually resonate as am a sub to my recently newly Dominant wife.
This resonates even more so as my wife is from the US , and i originally from England.
The pain and anguish that i have felt and gone through over the 17 years in coming to the US is greater than i can possibly have imagined . Words cannot describe it … what seemed so simple back then in moving to the US , has been frought with so many things and lost so very , very much. Please do not misunderstand i adore my wife , adore my kids , but this has been so hard beyond belief that i would not wish it on my worst enemy , and if i had to do it all again… well i am not sure i would …. i do know though that i continue to grow , and that i am empowered to live my life to the fullest , to regain what i and my family have in part lost ….
Maybe second chances can be a good thing
Very powerful and emotional. I could feel the weight in my heart reading this. Your writing is so personal, compelling.I do not understand why the complete break and why for so long. Perhaps something in his past that made him unable to do what he should have and what you needed. Perhaps something else.
I hope your post helps your heart mend.
Dear Lady Julia,
I was so moved when I read this sad story. What a difficult decisions You have to mae. I only hope whatever You will decide, You’ll never regret it.
appy
Whatever you need. All you have to do is ask.
huggs and a hanky
As I begin to read today’s post, I felt sadness. When I read about the breakup, I felt pain and hurt. When you wrote that he was in your town, I felt fear.
I know you can take care of yourself and have support systems around you. It’s just that I have had to help a lady in the past when a man didn’t want to take “No” for an answer.
Take Care,
Will
Lady Julia,
I wish you happiness and bliss. The only way to avoid pain is to be an island and wall yourself off. I wish I could ease your pain somehow. It would be a shame if you shed one tear over this situation.
We talked about this individual once… I felt such emotion in your voice then. And now, in your writing. When I read that he called, my heart jumped for you… as I continued to read, I felt and undestood the reasons for your pain.
I hope I’m not being too presumptuous when I say there are so many of us who want you to find happiness… you may find yourself crying in a darkened room, but you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination. I know if I could pick anywhere to be right now, it would be in a darkened room, comforting a friend.
It gets said a lot… but as always, if there is ANYTHING I can do, you know you only have to ask.
j
I hope you will be careful. A friend of mine had a man in her life who wouldn’t take no for an answer and she is dead. Anyone with any level of empathy would know what he is doing to you but he is so self-absorbed that he doesn’t care. Run before it is too late.
Rob: Do you want to forget about this guy ever existed or do you want to enjoy the time you did have together?
No, I do not want to forget he existed – I loved him a great deal so even if I wanted to, I don’t think that would be possible. I can still think back on all we had and have good thoughts, but his actions do make me question how real his love was if he could allow me to think him dead all those years. I am trying to be reasonable, though. Who knows what would go through our minds or what actions we would take if we were facing cancer and likely death. Most people wouldn’t drastically hurt those that love them, but it isn’t impossible to understand how some can.
Larry: I hope your post helps your heart mend.
Thank you. I’ve had a couple of people ask me why I would share this story via my blog. I suppose it is difficult to understand, but it is somewhat cathartic for me to share things here. I wasn’t looking for sympathy as I could certainly garner enough of that in private. It did help to write it all out and then pressing publish seem to add a “there – that’s done!” sort of feeling. I still hurt, but I felt some better after I posted.
Olivia: I am so sorry your friend lost her life. What a horrible thing to happen.
One never knows, even with people who say they love us. I had a friend who was shot dead in her driveway by her husband while her small children looked on. None of her friends ever suspected him capable of anything that wasn’t sweet, much less something like that.
Thank you everyone. I’ll be careful.
Please be careful. We all worry about somebody hurting you. Do you carry pepper spray or something that could help protect you?
Mike
Mike, I do carry pepper spray. I am also fortunate to live in a community that has a lot of cohesiveness. People are nosy and they are not afraid to butt in when they think they need to :) If anyone started something with me, as long as I was not alone I think someone would at least try to help. I don’t go places alone at night if it can be at all avoided. As much as I can I try to take reasonable steps to protect myself.
For what it is worth, I don’t think he would hurt me physically as he never showed any sign of anything like that the entire time we were together. I think he’s just having difficult letting go of what we had.
The emotion and truly heartfelt feelings can be felt through out, you are an incredibly caring and sensitive person, I would not begin to offer advice, I only want you to know you are a very dear and kind person who has been through a lot. You deserve happiness and I am sure I am only one of many praying for you to find it.
God bless you.
James P
I followed the link from your post of January 28th, 2010 and read this story for the first time. It broke my heart reading it. I am very sorry this happened. It is always hard to have some one you think you are over suddenly pop back into your life. I know this was a while ago but it made me wish I could give you a big hug. I hate to hear of anyone hurting like that. Especially some one who has been as kind to me as you have been.
Take care.
Jason
Thank you, Jason. You’re very sweet. Don’t worry, things are ok now, it is just sad sometimes to think about.