That said I think it is important not to lose track of the point of this post. If a man pushes/guilts his wife into doing things that make her very uncomfortable then he’s being sexually selfish. If a woman refuses to even consider her partner’s wants and needs and makes no effort to even understand them, she’s being sexually selfish. If that works, fine, but I think for most people it doesn’t. It hurts when someone disregards our feelings/desires without even making an effort.

There is a middle ground to be found if we are unselfish enough to look for it.

I tend to follow philosophical pragmatism as a way to interpret what I hear. I know the definition of “selfless”. It is synonymous with “unselfish”. But the words themselves are not the same as what we are or what we do.

I believe that we cannot be selfless. We can try to do selfless deeds, but even that is nearly impossible. Whenever a person does something voluntarily, there is some motivation behind it. That motivation thereby makes it impossible to be selfless.

Since this comment was in connection with sex, I will give you two examples. I do many things for my wife that she could do herself. I do these without her telling me or asking me to do them. If she were to tell or ask me to other things, and she does, I will do them also. For this she need not do anything specific to reward me. One might say that I am being selfless. But I know otherwise: I am motivated by my need to help and to serve her. So, when I do, I feel good. Then the question is, “Am I doing this for her, or for myself?”

About being selfless in sex, it gets even more blatant. Something that we have done often is my giving her oral sex without her reciprocating in any way. She achieves several orgams, I none. Yet I get tremendous joy out of the entire session that ends with such trusting intimacy. I enjoy the closeness, my hands on her body, the sounds she makes, the scents and flavors, and the fact that I can give her so much pleasure. This may sound like another “selfless” act, but as I said, I know better. This is why it is hard for me to believe that anybody can be selfless, especially in sex.

And yes, some individuals do pretend to be selfless. I have read postings by men who claim to be selfless by saying that they will do anything that their owner, mistress, etc. want them to do, and expect nothing in return (as long as they are treated a certain way).

Sheesh! Is it possible “not to be selfish” when it comes to sex? The more you dig in, the more you are likely to come out on the other side.

Show me a selfless sexist, and I will show you one who has it all figured out about what he wants done to him, how, when, and by whom.

I’m not entirely sure if I understand your point. Someone who is selfless has little or no concern about themselves. Someone who is selfish is mostly or completely concerned with their own needs. Either is ok, I guess, as long as one is in a relationship with someone who is their opposite. That doesn’t usually seem to be the case.

It’s entirely possible not to be selfish about sex. Even though I am dominant, I am not selfish. I care how my partner feels and if his needs are met. That’s not saying “yay me” – I know a number of people who are that way.

I’m lost on your last remark about the selfless sexist… Unless you mean being selfless is something that the individual pretends to be?

Can someone be both selfish and submissive when it comes to sex?

Virtually every relationship includes compromise. The man may not get a corset-clad dominatrix for a wife. The woman may not be getting Fabio. But if both parties can focus on fulfilling the other’s wants and needs, it’ll go a long ways towards mutual satisfaction.

There’s nothing wrong with say, “I’d like it if you did this.” The problem is when it’s one-sided. When one asks and never gives. Or when the giving is just extremely imbalanced.

Not really sure what you mean there by D/s being pretentious. I don’t think that was what I was trying to convey. May I ask you to explain?

I’d almost forgotten how pretentious the whole D/s thing is.

Thanks for the reminder.

Show me a selfless sexist, and I will show you one who has it all figured out about what he wants done to him, how, when, and by whom.

In a consensual D/s relationship the person who enjoys dominating derives pleasure from knowing that their submissive trusts them to exert control. There is a mutual understanding arrived at via informed consent. The Dom/me also enjoys the feeling of control and hopefully enjoys the pleasure this produces in the sub. The submissive here enjoys trusting the Dom/me, enjoys pleasing the Dom/me, and enjoys being cared for. In order for D/s to work in this setting it must be symbiotic with each person needing what the other brings, what the other person is. Role play may look like real D/s, and in some cases may be, but the real thing has at it’s core mutual respect and compassion. No serious and meaningful connection between two people can last without this. The deeper the type of D/s, the more vital this core becomes, all the way from light role play to slavery to robots.

If you are a person who is not currently being dominated and you think you need that, I would suggest that you first explore literature about what is really entailed. Then, if it still feels like a good thing to pursue, examine your existing relationship and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If it still seems as if it might work, talk to your partner in an open an honest way without exerting pressure. Get the other person’s opinion about D/s rather than trying to sell yours. Listen carefully. When the answer is given try to understand it, especially if it is not what you hoped to hear. If open and honest communication is necessary to maintain a vanilla relationship then it is doubly so in D/s.

It’s easy to have eyes bigger than your stomach. What a person thinks they need only matches what they really need when they care most about what the other person needs. No D/s monopoly there.

“Honey, great news. I want you to be in charge of everything from now on. Our finances, the household, the bedroom, me, everything. It’s all on you. I’ll be over here pleasuring myself with the laundry if you need me.”

Gee thanks.

Most women would call that abdication of responsibility.

Nor sexy or desirable especially if she married you with the expectation you’d be an equal partner.

That said, sensually dominating or being dominated by your lover in the bedroom can be really hot and it’s actually pretty mainstream these days.

Not that I read them, but I have heard that most women’s erotica/romance books now feature a scene of two where the heroine ties up the hero and has her wicked way with him. It’s not really about dominance but more about women embracing and enjoying their sexuality as opposed to just being a passive sperm receptacle.

Sex toys are a billion dollar industry so there’s a lot of people playing all types of bedroom games. By necessity that’s what kink is for most people, adult playtime. You play a role and then go back to the realities of daily life.

He wears the Sponge Bob Square Pants costume one night; you dip yourself a vat of Dijon mustard the next.

Again just speculation on my part.