If you are attracted to someone, can you be “just friends”? Why/why not?
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Just Friends
November 7th, 2008
Most respectfully* Lady Julia,
Can we just be friends? rates alongside; “I love you…Don’t touch me!!! and You are so special,” as some of the worst words ever spoken by that cruel and inhuman of romantic succubus; Woman.
Don’t be a nice girl and try not too hurt my feelings, just be honest! :)
(*bowed on one knee)
Smiles
I like thinking of you down on one knee, Nigel. (By the way – I wrote you ages ago… did you receive a response to your last email? If not I will re-send.)
Why is asking a man if we can just be friends a cruel thing if it is honestly what I want?
I think it depends on the someone and how strongly I am attracted. I could be friends if it was only a physical attraction but I am not sure I could remain neutral if the attraction was emotional too.
I agree with Nigel. Women especially women who know they are sexy are cruel. They say they want to be friends but they want you to want them anyway. We’re puppets on a string to sexy women.
I will check my e-mail list something I could have unintentionaly missed in my move to surf town, New South Wales, Sorry.
Sometimes men get tunnel vision in friendships and that is not a women’s fault or responsibility. But sometimes I think women also “play” a little “too” much.
However I HAVE been hanging out with some “Mean Girls,” which I only realised since I moved here, so perhaps I am generalising?
I just believe the question “Can we just be friends” is not giving a person a fair go.
Am I being Australian?
i think i’m a bit of an oddity, but i’ve always been one to view being friends as the BEST and indispensable part of my relationships with women. A woman would always let me know when and if she wanted me to be exclusive with her. It can be both a tough and delicious form of tease and denial in the mean time.
I have tried and failed to be just friends with women who requested that, both by trying to be closer and by not trying to be close enough. I have been just friends with women without seeking that or trying at all. It just happened. I have been excruciatingly attracted to women who only wanted to be friends and I had to walk away, so terrible was the desire and infatuation. Finally, I have been romantically involved with women and remained friends afterwards, and of all the above, that seems the best.
I will readily admit that letting go of intense feelings in order to nurture the less intense feelings of friendship can be a tough challenge but one well worth it. I was totally incompetent at this when I was young, only being able to truly understand it after 30. I imagine lower testosterone levels are also due some credit there. ;)
For me, if a woman requests “just friendship” lightly, I am not interested because I do not think it is real friendship she is after. If the request is serious it seldom needs to be spoken. I have often remembered the following words, though for the life of me I cannot recall who spoke them.
“It is relatively easy in life to find someone to have sex with. It is more difficult to find someone to fall in love with who also falls in love with you. Most difficult of all is to find someone to be true and lasting friends with.”
Arafin
Most men and women cannot be just friends. Men are not made that way thanks to a little thing we call testosterone. I think women seal the deal on things by saying one thing and acting another way. You can’t say let’s be friends and then act sexy or flirt. This is something women ask for when they want to hold onto a man “in case”. In case they change their mind and want more from them later.
I think I could be friends if I was attracted to a woman as long as I was with someone else. If I were lonely I think it would be impossible.
I don’t regard friends as being a “just” thingy. I don’t remember ever asking anybody to be “just” friends, because as Robert said, friends are valuable. To me, friends are not a “just”, they are a bonus special extra feature. I don’t see anything “just” about that. :)
Now, if somebody new is attracted to me beyond my comfort levels, and they can’t behave respectfully about it, then I don’t think I could ever be friends with them.
If a person who was already my friend was attracted to me beyond my comfort levels, then depending on the individual, I’d either remain friends with them or not. I think that would really depend on the individual and their ability to behave appropriately around me.
Was there a specific reason you were interested in this? I’d love to know. :)
I hope this was useful?
Best regards,
Lubyanka. :)
Interesting choice of twist Lubyanka but I do not think Lady Julia would ever devalue friendship. It seems clear that she meant friendship sans romantic or sexual entanglements.
My best friend is a woman. She’s sexy, beautiful, and very married. I have no problem with keeping things on a friendship level because I respect her boundaries.
Anonymous,
I hope Lady Julia knows that I am not trying in any way to say that she devalues friendships.
I was answering the question as I understood it to have been posed. Lady Julia asked if we thought a person could be “just friends” with somebody they’re attracted to, and I addressed the question as if it were me who was the object of attraction, as has happened sometimes.
On the other side of the equation, I am still friends with several ex-lovers whom I still find attractive. A few of them have been intercourse-buddies in the past and could be again. I’m perfectly comfortable either way. However, I don’t remember ever saying or hearing the phrase “just friends” in the context of my relationships with those people.
The former lovers I’m no longer friends with, I don’t think were ever my friends really, so I’m not sure this question applies to them.
Now, if I’m attracted to a new somebody in an unrequited unreciprocated way, could I be platonic friends with them? As before, I think it depends on the individual. In some cases I got over it and became friends with them. In others I didn’t, and didn’t. In still others I got over it, but never became friends with them anyhow. Again I think it depends on the individual, and again, I don’t remember ever using or hearing the term “just friends” with those people.
I don’t think sexual attraction and friendship are necessarily mutually exclusive with some individuals, but I think they can be with others.
I was in love with a person once whom I wasn’t friends with first, and with whom I couldn’t be friends with after it was over.
Gosh, I hope some of this made sense. I don’t know if this was helpful, but it sure was interesting to explore. :)
Ok, that’ll do for now, methinks. :)
What do YOU think Lady Julia? I don’t see how anyone close to you would not want more from you.
I think it can work if that’s what both people desire. The trouble is that one person usually goes along with the arrangement secretly hoping that it will grow into something more.
They create false hope for themselves and then get hurt when reality intrudes.
For some there’s always going to be that underlying sexual tension with someone they really like. That may be stronger in men than women.
That said, friendship can be a wonderful basis for a romantic relationship to slowly blossom. The foundation is there. Compatibility, communication, fun. If and when it progresses beyond that, the sex and intimacy can be quite powerful.
On another note, I was sad to see your political blog go away. It was great.
I want to know who was having a hard time with you expressing some very civil political opinions.
Seriously.
WTF.
Do people think you’re only supposed to write sexy stuff for others, but keep your opinions to yourself?
I find that incredibly sexiest.
Girlfriends need to express themselves.
I think that was a Madonna song.
Or possibly from High School Musical 3:)
Susan, I probably wasn’t very clear about the end of the political blog. No one online gave me a hard time. There were a number of people in my every day life that were really giving me a hard time and then I had a misunderstanding with a friend. I was concerned that I wasn’t communicating in a way that made my point in a non-obnoxious manner.
I’m not upset with anyone – this was a really tough election season for people because they cared so much. I’m just glad it’s over now and pray we can move on.
It’s funny. I heard my 71 year old mother talking to my 88 year old grandmother today. My grandmother really didn’t want Obama to win and she voiced disappointment to my mom that he had. My mom remarked, “I know, I REALLY didn’t want him to win either but now that he has we’ve all got to get behind him and support him.” To my surprise, my grandmother agreed.
I decided if those two really strong-minded women could make that move, there was hope that others could do the same.
When emotions die down a bit for everyone, I’ll probably start the blog again. After all, I have to rant a bit somewhere and there seems like a pretty good choice ;)
Thanks for the interesting comments, everyone. I hope you continue on with the discussion.
You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’m going to sort through things in my mind before I reply.
I was thinking about this some more.
(who knew :p )
I was thinking that if I were the one who felt the attraction which was unreciprocated and I wanted to pursue a friendship regardless, I’d have to seriously consider the nature and strength of my feelings, and ask myself if I thought that was the right thing for me to do.
I’d have to ask myself questions such as:
- Am I really interested in a friendship with that person?
- Is the person worth it to me to solely pursue a friendship when I want something else?
- Do I think I can manage my feelings?
- Do I think I can manage my behaviour?
- Am I actually seeking a foundation for pursuing my romantic desires, and disguising it as an interest in friendship?
- Am I being realistic regarding my feelings and goals with this person?
I think if this is about the other person’s attraction, my primary concern would be their ability to behave consistently in ways which always respect my boundaries. And my secondary concern would be if I thought they were worth it to me to risk putting myself in a situation in which my boundaries might be transgressed. I would also be interested in asking them those questions which I would have been asking myself above.
Ok, putting the comment down now… :)
When I was younger and saw women as so mysterious, powerful, and Other that I could not imagine them having feelings, needs, and aspirations, mixing friendship with attraction was not possible for me. If someone was attractive to me, that desire became central to how I saw them, and thus central to the nature of any possible relationship to them.
Now that I am older, I see women as individuals; yes, different from men, but still with a comprehensible inner life. I occasionally feel desire for one of my female friends, but that attraction comes with a context — of my life, of hers, and of what effect a sexual relationship would have on both of us.
As I get older I have a deep sense of the preciousness of time, and of how it can be wasted and never recovered. I love my friends, and would not want to blight their lives with an ill-considered liaison. We have so little time for joy as it is, and to deny that time to someone for the sake of my own desire would be a terrible theft.
I think one exception would be if I felt that taking the step would truly benefit the person I cared for, and not bring pain to others in the process. In that case, if the other person did not agree, I think the friendship might be difficult to maintain. Another exception would be the opposite situation — if I knew the relationship was impossible, but the other person disagreed with my judgment. I would cool things off in that case as well.
Under the current circumstances, though, I find that a little attraction not acted upon can bring a pleasant frisson to a male-female friendship. I do worry, though, that given the volatility of the human heart, that may be skating on the edge.
Lady Julia,
I think it would be very difficult for a man to be “just friends” with you. You are an incredible woman. Sexy, intelligent, funny, with that great voice and laugh.
More than that you seem to “get” men. You know how to play us like a violin and you are able to draw things from us that we don’t even know are there. That you do this without ever raising your voice, without being bitchy, and without indulging in the stereotype is even more amazing.
You suggest instead of order but it feels like an order because you make it seem irresistible. Since you are free with your thoughts and emotions you make it irresistible. You allow us to see when you’re pleased and excited by what we do. It’s an overpowering feeling to know we can please and excite such an incredible woman.
JDW
Sometimes people will fall in love with a person they are friends with without that type of love being returned. In that case the real question is can one be in this situation and not expect that same kind of love in return? Is it possible to be satisfied with the imbalance and not pressure the other person to change how they feel? For some the answer is yes.
Well, Lady Julia, are you just friends with any of your readers?
I personally find friendships with women to be at least — and frequently far more — rewarding than with men. Women talk about different things than men do. My life would be significantly less rich if it weren’t for my female friends.
My very oldest friend is female.
I’m still friends with my first wife.
I like to consider us friends, Lady J.
I could go on.
Of course men and women can be just friends, if that’s what they want.
Now, can they be lovers and then just be friends? That’s harder. But as I said above, I’m friends with my first wife. She was over for dinner Sunday night, actually, along with 2 other women and 1 other guy. Everyone had a nice time.
And I want to disagree with the idea of women as teases or cruel. I haven’t found that at all to be true. Yes, it can be difficult to take when you are attracted to someone who doesn’t return the feeling, but that’s not cruelty on her part. Other fish in the sea and so on.
Men need to take the women in their lives as those women prefer to be taken. You can’t force affection. Friendship is the most valuable gift she has to offer you, after all. Accept it and cherish it and know that your life is far better with her in it, on whatever terms work out.
Bill said, “Sometimes people will fall in love with a person they are friends with without that type of love being returned. In that case the real question is can one be in this situation and not expect that same kind of love in return? Is it possible to be satisfied with the imbalance and not pressure the other person to change how they feel? For some the answer is yes.”
I think you are right. Not everyone can do this, but some can. If you really love someone seeing them happy is the most important thing. If friendship only is what they want then friendship only they should get.
Anonymous said, “Women especially women who know they are sexy are cruel. They say they want to be friends but they want you to want them anyway. We’re puppets on a string to sexy women.”
Some women are cruel but not all sexy women are that way. Lady Julia is the sexiest woman I know and she is not cruel at all.
Felix, welcome :) As far as I remember this is your first comment on my blog. I appreciate your thoughtful, well-articulated comment.
You said, “I find that a little attraction not acted upon can bring a pleasant frisson to a male-female friendship. I do worry, though, that given the volatility of the human heart, that may be skating on the edge.” I find I very much agree with the first statement and also very much worry that the second statement is true as well.
I’m working on an entry to reply to all the comments here. It’s a lot to think about :) I do appreciate your answers.
I can’t seem to leave this topic alone. Perhaps I am too attached to it.
It is our tendency to become attached to that which we like and feel aversion towards that which we don’t like. Sometimes we can attain and hold on to what we are attached to and sometimes we can’t, or we get it and lose it. (Sometimes we get what we have an aversion to.) The things we are attached to or feel aversion to are not the problem. The attachment or aversion is the problem. All of the above with various degrees of intensity.
“Just friends” can be realized by some without much difficulty because there is not much attachment of a sexual or romantic nature, yet for others there is such a strong sexual or romantic attachment to the other person, (who does not return the feeling, or cannot), that anguish is the result. How to deal with it? How to succeed in being just friends without the anguish? The answer is a doozy of the “easier said than done” variety.
Let go of the attachment.
There any number or ways to do this, some quick and some slow, and I shall not bore anyone with details of either. Suffice it to say that in cases where one person asks to be “just friends” of someone who wants more, success is realized when the attachment is let go of. Motivation for such an act is usually what is defined as “friendship”. Failure occurs when attachment is stronger than the motivation to let it go.
True friendship succeeds where both parties meet the friendship needs of the other. They do not allow other things to be more important than the needs of the friendship, even if it requires sacrifice. Succeeding at being “just friends” is precious, even if it is not always easy, and it is far less difficult than the alternative of failure.
Oh, for some second chances at opportunities past!
Arafin
“Sometimes men get tunnel vision in friendships and that is not a woman’s fault or responsibility. But sometimes I think women also “play” a little “too” much.
However I HAVE been hanging out with some “Mean Girls,” which I only realized since I moved here, so perhaps I am generalizing?
I just believe the question “Can we just be friends” is not giving a person a fair go.
Am I being Australian?” – Nigel
—–
I don’t disagree that some women “play” a little “too” much. As I remarked on your blog, I think the same can be said for some men. However, I don’t believe all women play men or vice versa. For example, I can’t see you playing anyone. You’re too nice of a man to do that.
Why is asking to be friends with someone not giving a person a fair go?
There are many reasons why people choose not to have a romantic and/or intimate relationship with someone. Perhaps it isn’t the right time, perhaps the friend just isn’t the right person. Either way, should friendship be avoided with anyone that is attracted to us or us to them? I am a bit attracted to many of my friends. If I weren’t, I probably wouldn’t be as close to them as I am. They have qualities that appeal to me or I wouldn’t spend time with them. That said, I recognize that there are reasons why a relationship with any of them isn’t what’s right for me or for them.
Lubyanka,
Your remarks are always helpful – thank you. I suspect already knew before I posted my entry from earlier today that there was a reason I was asking this :)
I’ve been thinking about it for several weeks now and I believe I have finally found a place where I can accept that it is possible if both agree that it is. Everyone brings beliefs, personality quirks, and issues to any relationship whether it be friendship, a romantic relationship or a sexual one. Some people can handle being “friends only” with someone they’re attracted to, others can’t. It seems being honest about what we want, feel and believe is the key.
Julia
Susan,
“That said, friendship can be a wonderful basis for a romantic relationship to slowly blossom. The foundation is there. Compatibility, communication, fun. If and when it progresses beyond that, the sex and intimacy can be quite powerful.”
I think you are one wise lady :)
Julia
Free Thinking Writer asked, “Well, Lady Julia, are you just friends with any of your readers?”
Smiles – yes, I am. You are one and so are several others who have responded to this thread.
Thank you all for the comments. While I don’t see people as some of you do, I think that so many things color our perceptions on this and many other issues that there is no right or wrong for everyone – just what’s right or wrong for us.