Before reading this, please understand that I am not pointing a finger and saying that anyone in particular has behaved this way or felt this way. If none of it rings even slightly true with you, then excellent. If it does, then please don’t take it as a criticism. I merely wanted to offer a bit of insight into how a situation like this could unfold and solicit suggestions on how things could perhaps be handled differently. In no way was this post written with the intention of discouraging men from approaching their partners about a Femdom or Female Led Relationship.
~ ~
Just for a moment, I’d like for you to sit back, close your eyes, and imagine that you’re a vanilla woman who loves her partner. Come on – really try.
Good.
Now, imagine that your partner has approached you and asked that your entire relationship change – almost everything you’ve ever known with regard to your relationship would be very different. “I want you to completely change how we interact both in the bedroom and out. You’ll be in charge so everything is on your shoulders. Oh and I really need lots of kinky things to happen as well.”
Of course, he probably didn’t say it exactly like that. However when you mix together what he said, what he meant, what you heard, and how you reacted – it’s not unreasonable to think it would end up something like that inside your head, is it?
Now.. imagine how you would feel. What would go through your mind?
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why is he changing and why now?”
“You want me to do what??”
“Isn’t how I love him enough? Doesn’t he love me anymore?”
“I’m already responsible for so much. You want me to be responsible for more??”
So even though you’re thinking all this, you try it because after all you love your husband/partner, he says he needs this to be happy, and you want him to be happy. It makes you uncomfortable, but some of it isn’t so bad. You kind of like the massages and the help with the housework, you like some of the attention. But – if he loved you, why wasn’t he doing all that already even without you having to make such a drastic change?
Now, imagine after trying to do as he asked, he has approached you again and added, “If you would just talk to me in this way and say these certain things that are really not how you speak, that would make things perfect. And oh yeah, it isn’t enough that you are doing all these things I’ve asked, you need to like it and get turned on by it, too. It’s no good for me otherwise.”
How would you feel?
If you were the lady in this situation, what things would you want him to consider before approaching you about this?
~ ~
I want to make certain I’ve made it clear that I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with a man sharing his needs with his partner. I’m merely suggesting he might wish to consider how he approaches the situation and that he makes certain to consider her feelings as well.
Also, please note.. just as there are things the fellas might wish to consider, I believe the same holds true with the ladies as well. It works two ways and eventually I hope to speak to both.
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i must admit many years ago i did ask my Wife such things, not as explicit as you describe, but i did. and She tried to dominate me.
when She later told me She was unhappy with this situation i promised i never would bring up the subject again.
now i tried to serve her without showing my submissive feelings too much. gradually She is accepting it and now leaves a lot of domestic chores for me without talking about it.
being impotent after 2 prostate operations i now am serving Her rally and/or manually. only very occasionally She will touch my genitals and sometimes She will masturbate me until i experience a weak internal orgasm. i cannot ejaculate anymore.
appy
I would feel cheated. Cheated out of the respect I showed and should have gotten in return. I would feel dismayed, let down, and lost. A bit confused as to what I might have done wrong, (but that wouldn’t last), and then I’d be really, really ticked off. I’d wish with all my heart that the person I trusted would have trusted me enough to consider my feelings at least as much as his own. “Where was the middle ground of honest communication?”, I would think. “What happened to my friend?”
Arafin
I don’t mean to be disrespectful by going somewhat off topic. I appreciate the thought, trepidation , caution and concern with which you approach this topic. I don’t want to detract from the message, but I couldn’t help but smile that this was posted under (amongst other categories) “Terrific Tush Tuesday.”
It must be fabulous to be so perfect and to know precisely how other people should live their lives.
You know nothing about what submissive men feel or what they need. NOTHING.
I agree. I think submissive men should boycott this blog.
Utterly Disgusting I and II,
Grow the hell up. If you reacted that strongly to what she said, then you needed to hear it. She did you a favor!
Well, Lady Julia did suspect that her post might bring some rather heated comments and I guess now they have begun. I applaud her for taking the risk and speaking her mind. If some people can’t handle such frankness then I offer them a simple and very easy solution. Don’t read. I am not suggesting that they don’t read this blog, I am suggesting that they don’t read period. If this upsets you so much, Utter Disgust, then if you keep reading, sooner or later you’re going to run into something really scary and pop an artery. Be careful, please.
Arafin
UD1,
Waiting almost 2 hours to submit another comment under a different name was a master stroke.
You were able to seamlessly create the illusion that there is more than one pathetic loser reading this blog.
Well done.
It is a mystery to me why this is controversial.
Let’s try the counterfactual: A man approaches his partner and says, “I want to totally change all the rules of this relationship, both emotional and sexual.” His partner replies, “Sure, honey! When do we start? Maybe we can get a babysitter tonight and go shopping for toys!”
Does this reaction strike anyone as likely, or even remotely possible? If not, then what exactly is the objection to what Lady Julia has written?
I’ve been more or less in exactly this situation. Though I believe I broached the subject more carefully than Lady Julia’s scenario, the result was basically the same.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s even POSSIBLE to raise such topics “well”, when the two people involved have such different interests and needs. It’s like trying to describe a rainbow to someone blind since birth.
In my case, I felt it was healthier to get it out there, rather than just keep this major sexual incompatibility bottled up.
mikecb
I understand your post. But I often wonder: How many marriages are already wife-led before the husband approaches his “vanilla” wife and asks her to take charge?
In my situation, we were already wife led, we just hadn’t acknowledged it.
I can’t help thinking when reading these negative comments in Ladia Julia’s Blog that they are really the comments of a jealous domme.
Utterly disguted writes: “You know nothing about what submissive men feel or what they need. NOTHING. (this strongly suggests to me that you are female)
And you do? Remember not all men are the same. We are not robots. Lady Julia has quite a strong following, that speaks for itself, she offers her mp3’s for free, unlike the majority of Hypnodommes who do mp3’s who have absolutely no interest in the men who buy there products, they just want to make lots of money. She is interested in getting to know what the members of her yahoo group think. If you don’t like what you hear on this blog I would second what Arafin said, don’t read the blog.
Thanks for posting the article. I think your advice applies to a lot of areas besides submission. One should always consider other peoples feelings when broaching this subject or others.
Mike
UD1 and UD2 clearly missed the entire point. The post wasn’t about what submissive men feel. It’s simply asking them to consider what their wives feel.
So what do you do?!?!? My DH has done this more or less and Im tired and mad and disappointed. I feel like we are dick-led instead of wife-led. Is he really submissive when it really does seem to be all about him Or do I just suck at this and need to send him to a professional? I mean Im aware I personally am not very competent but Im trying to learn but Im starting to really resent the hell out of it.
Any advice please.
Mrs. G,
Have you spoken to him and told him honestly how you feel? If not, then perhaps that would be the best place to start? It’s very possible he doesn’t realize how he is coming across to you.
Lady Julia
Well he is the passive/aggressive king but I try to put things plainly if not sometimes harsh. It took a long time for him to get me where we are now…(which isnt very but considering I was like hell no go pay somebody in the beginning I feel like Im making good strides.) But we go in the same circle. It ends with him trying to reassure me Im doing fine and we take a “breather” and then a few weeks or so later him adding or changing his wishlist or “adjusting/ignoring my rules and me needing to do more to get and keep him in the right space. This is some exhausting shit. Im trying to find some place in this that is pleasurable for me and puts ME in the right space. Its hard when I feel like I will never be comfortable or able to get where he needs to be.
I appreciate you replying.
Mrs. G,
Do you want to continue pursuing a wife led relationship? If so, what do *you* want from it? What would have to change to help you enjoy it more?
Perhaps writing these things down would help you take a fresh look at it and would also help you explain your feelings to him?
Lady Julia
Brilliant piece of writing. You could not have put your point over better.
Anyone who has had such a communication for real with their wives will know how sensitive and delicate those kinds of revelations can be.
Thank you.