A few days ago I read an article in which a dominant woman contended that withholding domination from a man is just as bad as withholding sex. She added that women have an obligation to understand the needs of their men.
Initially I went on to share my thoughts regarding this philosophy, but I realized that to varying degrees, I’ve already addressed this. Rather than repeating myself, I thought I would offer the floor to you. Do you agree or disagree, and why?
No related posts.
In my view, any adult is always entitled to choose to engage or disengage from any other adult in any way for any reason at any time.
If a person decides to use giving or withholding domination, sex, or anything else as a relationship strategy, I acknowledge their right to take this decision. This is a strategy I personally choose to avoid, and I decline to consent to it from my partners because I feel it is manipulative and disrespectful.
I disagree that anybody is always entitled to sex or anything else from their partners, I disagree that any person is always obligated to provide their partners with sex or anything else when they want it, and I disagree that declining and withholding are the same thing.
I agree that all individuals have an obligation to understand their own needs as well as the needs of others, and that this obligation extends beyond the bounds of relationships and gender.
I believe its can be effective if its is 1) intentional and 2) verbalized. My biggest problem is that it often just seems as if she doesn’t care. That is anti-motivational. My 2cents.
Lady Julia,
For the longest time I have said to Mistress that dominant women really don’t understand the power that they have. The only flaw that I find the Domme that you quoted is that I think she underestimates the importance of her withholding domination.
While I can only speak for myself I have found that I can live without sexual release (after all that’s why god invented alcohol *g*) when I am not feeling Mistresses control I feel like I have lost my best friend, which I suppose in a sense is true. When I say control I don’t envision Mistress striding around in latex with crop in hand but the person who is always at the back of my mind guiding me. As you know, our relationship has recently changed and I have been struggling, even to the point when last week, a woman I work with asked me if I was ever going to smile again. What I do mean though is the little things, like researching a product that she is considering buying or like today when she asked me to compare some medical coverage she was about to change. I check most of Mistresses email daily and produce a report alerting her to what needs her attention. These are small things but they are so rewarding and meaningful to me.
I have read so often of the “gift” that the submissive offers by submitting which I have really come to regard as ridiculous, if there is a gift involved it is that of the woman allowing me to serve her. I am absolutely totally addicted to the rush of pleasure that I get when I can sense or hear that I have got my service to her just right. To feel her hand gently touching me and hear the “good boy” is like nothing else. Am I being mushy? Absolutely, but also entirely honest.
So to answer your question, I disagree. The Domme that you quote just doesn’t go far enough. *grin*
jssubc
I think I read that same post. I don’t believe that blog is written by a woman because it’s too much how a man would write. Even so I think she has a point. If a woman won’t take over the dominant roll in their relationship then she is exactly like those frigid women who won’t have sex with their husbands. They don’t care about his needs or wants and are being selfish thinking only about themselfs. I don’t see how any man could be with a woman who want give him sex. Also I don’t get what is so hard about being dominant. You get your way on things and you’re made to feel sexy.
I’m left wondering whether Frank really meant things quite the way they came across.
But I’m left somewhere in agreement with Lubyanka, I think. Withholding anything to which someone else has become accustomed is all the same. It can be sex, domination, cuddles on the couch, good chocolate or morning coffee.
We all think we need these things (especially the chocolate). And yet, we survive and even can thrive without them. It’s a matter of expectations.
People are happy when their expectations are met or exceeded. If the person (man or woman) has reasonable expectation of (for instance) sex, domination, chocolate, or perhaps chocolate while being sexually dominated, then unhappiness will be a result of removing any of them (discounting an increase in other areas to make up for it). It doesn’t really matter which expectation is left unfilled — there will be disappointment.
Even though I didn’t express my original question well, I really enjoyed reading the responses to what you thought was my question :)
jssubc, I am very happy to hear from you. I know you have been going through some difficulties but it’s good to see that you do seem to be hanging in there. Reading what you wrote about service made me smile as service is something that really touches me on many different levels. There don’t seem to be a lot of people who enjoy service like you do. For many it seems as if submission is pretty much sexual. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I admit that I like to see both in a man who kneels for me. I’m pretty independent so I don’t really want him to do a lot – I just want him to want to. :)
FTW – surely no one would be so cruel as to withhold chocolate?????
Oh, Lady Julia, I think you know me well enough to know that I would most definitely withhold chocolate. Women appreciate a little tease and denial, too, yes?
Of course, timing is everything.