A couple of days ago I shared my thoughts on wants, needs, and topping in a Femdom relationship. If they are to have a healthy, happy relationship, I truly believe a couple must consider what a man needs to be just as important as what the Domme needs. Not always a popular opinion, but one I stand by nonetheless.
That said, I also believe if the Domme is to retain control, it’s imperative that each distinguishes between what he wants and what he needs. For him to be persistent about his needs is healthy. When he’s pushy in order to have his wants met – well, I think that’s when topping rears its ugly head.
When determining which is which, perhaps we can view wants as things that can help fulfill needs?* For example:
Needs:
To feel controlled.
To feel desired.
To be fulfilled sexually.
To feel appreciated
Wants (things she can opt to do to help fulfill his needs):
To have his cock kept in a cage.
To have all his orgasms and touching controlled.
To be teased and denied.
To be ordered to do things.
To be spanked as a form of punishment.
To be told he’s sexy.
To be teased.
To be “used” for sex.
To be “forced” to display his naked body for her.
To be allowed to experience sexual release.
To have some of his orgasms ruined.
To be told he’s a good boy.
To be rewarded for what he does.
To be shown off to her friends.
To be praised.
Differentiating wants from needs not only helps ensure the submissive’s needs are met, but can perhaps reduce frustration by making his/her expectations more reasonable. We have a reasonable expectation that our needs are met in a relationship. Having his wants met – well in a power exchange relationship, it’s up to the one in control to decide on that, isn’t it?
~
* Certainly this list of “wants” versus “needs” is offered as things to consider, not as fact.
No related posts.
I disagree that a desire to feel controlled is a need. I think that is a specific want which if met, can help to fulfill the needs of feeling desired and sexually fulfilled. On the whole, though, I think that’s an excellent point you make about needs vs wants, and aside from that one thing I do agree with the way you categorised items in your lists. :)
Lubyanka,
Do you believe being in control of your relationship or your sexual life is a want? If it is a want then would that mean it is optional and only one way to achieve your needs?
Nice post. I think you are getting to the heart of the issue. I will need to ponder this.
Thanks for posting.
I think wants vs. needs really depend on the individual. Cosmo has been publishing a lot of femdom-lite articles lately – as if it’s somehow News Of The Century that many guys like being topped, at least occasionally. Does this make the male surrender of control an actual need for most men, or just something high on the wish list? I don’t know. Many would like it, I bet, but not necessarily because they’re secretly submissive. Or perhaps they are. :)
The world may never know.
Bill wrote:
“Do you believe being in control of your relationship or your sexual life is a want? If it is a want then would that mean it is optional and only one way to achieve your needs?”
Bill, that is a very good question. I think that the way you put it partly answers it – “being in control” as opposed to “feeling yielded to”. I would agree that a sexual orientation which depends on yielding sexual control to a partner is a need, and that fulfilling that need would hopefully lead to the desired outcome of “feeling controlled”, which I think is a want.
For me this wording is important because “feeling controlled” sounds to me like something they want another person to do, whereas “yielding control” is about something they need to do. And I think that the only way a person can feel controlled in this context of meaning is to yield control in the first instance.
I hope that clarifies my perspective on this for you.
No one speaks as plainly as you about any of this. I have read dozens of blogs and you’re almost the only person out there that makes sense and you are the only Domme who writes in a way that shows you don’t have anything to prove. I think when these people especially Dommes say things to put you down, you only look better and they look petty or condescending since they have done nothing to demonstrate they know what they are talking about. You consistenly publish sensible writings and I know people really respect you.
Lady Julia,
The lists of needs and wants are very helpful to me. They provide an excellent guide to discussing my desire to serve and submit with (I think) a “budding dominant” wife. The discussion should start with things on the “needs list”. Any discussion on the “wants” should be second and discussed as information/feedback/suggestions rather than “wants”.
I do agree , that maybe “Need to submit” or “Or need to serve” or “Need to yield control” may be less ambiguous than “To feel Controlled”.
I agree with Lubyanka. It must be very comforting to have someone like her to guide you.
Interesting thoughts. I might express those differently.
1. I need to feel love/connection between my girlfriend/Mistress. Femdom is one (of many) ways that is expressed.
2. I need to feel mutual sexual chemistry/attraction.
3. I need to feel that she is powerful and in control. Controlling me is one way she expresses that. But if she were merely sexually dominant in the bedroom, but passive in the rest of her life – not sure that would do.
4. I need sexual fulfillment but there are an amazing number of ways that can be achieved.
5. I need to feel that she wants the relationship dynamic as much (or more) than I do.
Everything else is details. For example enforced chastity increases desire through scarcity while imposing a sense of control. But it is only effective (at least for me) because I love her and desire her sexually. Hence when she does let me cum it is far more satisfying than orgasm ever was before we discovered the F/m dynamic. However, if I felt like she was just going through the motions to humor my fetish, rather than being something that brings her fulfillment too, then it would merely be a bedroom game – erotic, but hardly as powerful.
All of his wants and needs are irrelevant once the sub becomes the slave. Otherwise it is not real slavery just play. By definition a slave is the property of another and has no rights to want or need anything. There is a major difference between play which most experience and real submission which isn’t about constant bdsm but control over life and removing choices from the slave.
Hi Lady Julia:
Excellent point! I totally agree with you on this. It is not “topping from the bottom” to be honest with your partner about your need for loving female authority, discipline, control and even kinky sex in the relationship. It is however “topping from the bottom” to insist on the specifics for how all of the above will be carried out. The best strategy for a submissive male is to be honest about his needs, wants and desires but leave the implementation up to his Mistress. Its o.k. to make requests as long as they don’t become impertinent demands. Lay the tools of dominance at her feet and let her decide!
Best
hmp
24/7 Slave said: All of his wants and needs are irrelevant once the sub becomes the slave. Otherwise it is not real slavery just play. By definition a slave is the property of another and has no rights to want or need anything. There is a major difference between play which most experience and real submission which isn’t about constant bdsm but control over life and removing choices from the slave.
I was wondering… could you forward a copy of “the” rulebook for me? The one that says “all” things BDSM must be “this” way? I’ve lost my copy and I’ve been struggling ever since ;)
With respect, it is not possible for a human to have no needs. A couple can “play” or pretend that the “slave” has no needs but everyone has needs. Of course, they can be ignored, but by most definitions a need is required for the person to be healthy.
Well written and well considered. I cannot understand why people try to force fantasy onto people as reality. Fantasy is fun but it’s not sustainable. Most people who want to discern the difference can but words like yours help. I believe this will be especially helpful for those women whose husbands won’t admit they are trying to force them to do things in the name of “female led” that the women do not want to do.
As a professional in this field I can tell you that you are missing the mark. I have been dominating men for two decades and I can tell you that a woman disregarding everything but their hard limits is their biggest need. If you dominate someone you must do what you want not what he wants. It’s that simple.
my Mistress has always taken whatever She wants from me without regard for Her worthless worm. She is superior and it is Her right to do this.
There are some Women who are not capable of being in charge because they are weak. They’re not bad people but They don’t know what to do to keep Their husbands’ in their places. They need a strong, powerful tutor. my Mistress found one by going to a Professional Domme and has learned how to handle me. Professional Dommes are experts who know exactly what to do.
As a professional in this field I can tell you that you are missing the mark. I have been dominating men for two decades and I can tell you that a woman disregarding everything but their hard limits is their biggest need. If you dominate someone you must do what you want not what he wants. It’s that simple.
People have varying needs. There may be a small number of men who believe their needs are irrelevant, but I suspect most of those who believe that is true are not being honest with themselves. If they didn’t have needs, why pay you for anything?
The fantasy is fine. Exploring the fantasy is fine. Presenting it as everyone’s reality is insanity.
Mistress Raven,
Doing something for money does not make you an expert. Would you take information on sex from a prostitute as gospel?
Since your clients have no needs I assume when you do whatever it is YOU choose to do as a dominatrix you could do it in fuzzy slippers and a housecoat? Why wear tight, sweaty leather and god-awful uncomfortable heels if they have no needs?
Lady’s Man,
Professional Dommes are women men pay to do things their wives or girlfriend’s won’t do. They are no more professional that a garbage collector or a hooker. Getting paid for years for doing something does not make you an expert. If it did politicians wouldn’t be screwing up the country.
“If you dominate someone you must do what you want not what he wants. It’s that simple”
I call bullshit.
I didn’t actually know we were allowed to call bullshit on this site but Richard did so I am too.
Also, If we can call bullshit I have a list of other comments I’d like to go back and call bullshit on.
Basically a retro bullshit.
Anyway, a while back I actually looked into becoming a professional dominatrix as an at home business opportunity along with medical transcription, refrigeration repair and pet grooming so I know of what I speak.
These women have detailed questionnaires about what their clients would like to experience. They’re more about happy customers than being dominant. The guys with the cash are really the ones calling the shots.
“Whip me harder damnit!”
Sadly start up costs on a dungeon are crazy and I’m actually making a decent living taking online surveys 8-10 hours a day.
If I was out of line by calling a comment bullshit then I apologize but I do think there are things people say here where the label applies. Many things said in comments here are insightful and helpful. Some are ludicrous.
I think lifestyle folks are way too hard on pros. Pros definitely have their place in the scene. They know their way around the darker recesses of the human mind. Instead of getting all freaked out when a pro offers her advice lifestyle folks should listen to what she has to say. Who knows they might even learn something. Instead they get all freaked out and reach for the burning torches and the crucifix! LOL! ;-)
I was very amused by the last post. It was very funny. But in truth when you fill out a questionnaire for a pro you are merely letting the domme know what your interests are to establish compatibility. What she does with that info is up to her. Very few pros are going to give you exactly what you want just how you say you want it. Not the good ones anyway. The good ones will make it their business to delve deep and find out what you really NEED. Then they rope you in and keep you coming back for more! ;-)
Their are many different kinds of pros out there just like their are many different types of shrinks, doctors and dentists. It’s a mistake to lump them all together and say they are all alike. They have a lot of things they can teach some of the lifestyle folks out there.
Just my two cents of course! ;-)
Respectfully,
hmp
I don’t personally have an issue with women who dominate for money any more than I have a problem with women who have sex for money. As long as it’s all done safely so that no one gets hurt and as it’s between two consenting adults, I consider it to be none of my business. There are men who would never have the opportunity to experience what they deeply desire (and some say need) if it weren’t for women who dominate for money.
My issue is with those who profess to be the final word on anything simply because they get paid to do it and have been doing it for years. There are people (doctors for example) who are literally experts in their field with massive amounts of education and a string of letters after their name who have been practicing for years yet don’t have the final word on some things. I trust some more than others, but I still listen and make my own judgment no matter who is telling me something. And yes, I get it wrong sometimes, too.
I also take issue with people who profess their way is the only way and that they know what everyone else needs. No one knows for certain what I need except me. Sometimes I don’t even know and it takes work to find out.
No one knows everything and few people know nothing. I try to listen and take from conversations what seems reasonable. That said, how the information is presented does impact on the number of people who hear.
Very well said Lady Julia! I couldn’t agree more! I don’t subscribe to any D/s philosophy that proclaims to be the only true way. I get my information from all over, take what I need and leave the rest. Her Majesty and I seem to have found what works for us. That said I would never presume to suggest that what we have works for everybody. The variations are infinite. It takes a long time before you find out where you fit.
Frequently it seems there is a hostility between the lifestyle and pro community which seems a shame. There are good people and buffoons in both camps. Speaking for myself I have found happiness serving at the feet of my Queen. For me a lifestyle relationship definitely makes the most sense because I am fortunate enough to have found true love. Combined with D/s that is pretty much impossible to beat. But part of my journey of self discovery was with a pro. I could never have reached the place I am now without having experienced that along the way.
Respectfully
hmp
How does taking money to dominate a limited and self-selecting client population during pre-arranged and finite time spans somehow give a pro dom expertise on all BDSM-y social relationships? Does prostitution experience make a person an expert in vanilla relationship advice? I think that expertise in the service industry is completely different and separate to expertise on social relationships.
I wouldn’t consider relationship advice from a prostitute just because they were a prostitute, any more than I would consider relationship advice from a pro dom just because they were a pro dom. And in general, I disregard all advice from the self-absorbed who choose to dictate their way as the only way.
Having said that, I’m sure I’d be delighted to consider advice from a pro dom on their favourite way to use a paddle, or from a prostitute on their favourite way to receive and give oral sex. But that’s about as much credence as I’m prepared to offer without further information on them as a human being.
So there. :)
Hi Lubyanka:
You make some good points here. I think the key is summed up by your final sentence; “that’s about as much credence as I’m prepared to offer without further information on them as a human being.” Prodommes are people and usually quite unique as individuals. Some of them (usually those that have been around for many years) are extremely intelligent and together. Others are walking disaster areas with serious emotional disorders. So lets start with the assumption that the pro we would ask for advice is a person who has some solid experience, integrity, intelligence and is not a drug addict or suffering from a mental disorder. You would be surprised. That actually separates out quite a few! ;-)
Certainly I think you could pick up tips on advanced bondage ties, how to use a single tail whip without causing permanent damage, play piercing, permanent piercing, branding, electrical play, all the heavier BDSM activities that require some training before one can play in a safe sane and consensual manner. Some of the truly great Dommes might also be able to provide keen insights into the way the mind of a submissive male works. (Hey don’t knock it! I’ve been trying to figure out the way my mind works for years!) Some of the pros (though certainly not all) are also lifestyle players and could probably provide good advice about the kinky social scene to someone who was not familiar with it. I might not be inclined, however, to ask pros about personal relationships as many of them struggle with those. In fact many a pro has a personal life that somewhat resembles a train wreck.
I hope I have clarified my earlier posts somewhat. Lovely speaking with you.
Best
hmp
hermajestysplaything
I really enjoyed your post. Well said. I guess there is a reason Baskin-Robbins makes 31 flavors of ice cream.
Mike
hermajestysplaything wrote: “So lets start with the assumption that the pro we would ask for advice is a person [...]“
This is my primary problem. I think most of us here would agree with most of your comment without question. However, I also think that most of us here are talking about pro doms who use their profession as an excuse to dictate unsolicited unwelcome disrespectful advice. By far the bulk of the advice I’ve had from pro doms, as exemplified beautifully in these comments, has been entirely unsolicited, unwanted, and unnecessary. Furthermore, this unsolicited advice is almost always unwelcome due to it being phrased disrespectfully and One-True-Way-y.
So let’s start with the assumption that unsolicited orders dressed up as advice from uninvited dictators is inappropriate, unwelcome, and rude, and that this applies to all human beings, and I hope we can all agree to that. :)
Hi Lubyanka:
Yes! When you put it that way you and I are on exactly the same page! ;-)
Best
hmp