In response to my recent post, Femdom Relationships: What’s in it For Me?, Barbara commented:
I benefit by having the washing done sometimes. Sometimes he makes dinner. He rubs my feet when I want and massages my shoulders when I’m tired.
It is a pity you didn’t ask about the drawbacks because there are several. You also didn’t ask all the things I have to do now that he no longer feels he should do because they are my responsibility because I’m now the one in control. I don’t want to rain on your parade because it sounds like you were lucky and had a very nice life but I do not think this life is very great.
It sounds like you are having a difficult time and I’m sorry to read that. A femdom (female led relationship) is definitely not for everyone, nor is it as simple as some men think – especially for those women who are not naturally dominant.
I thought Free Thinking Writer left a very interesting response:
Barbara, I’ll suggest something. Just because you are the ultimate authority in the household doesn’t absolve him of his share of decision making responsibilities. If there are things he’s not doing, tell him to suck it up and handle it.
Some men think being in a wife led or a Femdom relationship means they have no responsibility in the area of decision-making. All they have to do is whatever they are told. For some couples, that’s true. Some women want to be in charge of everything with little or no input from their partner. That style of dominance is really not for me.
When I’m the person in control, I see no reason why I cannot delegate certain things as his responsibility. If he has a degree in finance and my degree is in nursing, I’m probably going to put him in charge of keeping up with the finances. Why wouldn’t I listen to his advice if it’s his area of expertise? Or.. perhaps he doesn’t have any special training in finances, but he’s just better at it than I am. I’m not going to be the one to balance the checkbook or keep up with paying the bills. He is. If it’s time to decide if we can afford to buy a new car, I’m not making that decision alone. My goal would be for us to decide together. If we couldn’t agree, then we probably wouldn’t buy the car until we could agree.
Many women (and men) won’t agree with that way of doing things, however it’s *my* way and to me, that’s what being in control is all about – doing it my way. It’s the same with any aspect of the relationship. It’s not about *how* I control, it’s that I *do* control.
Some may ask, how does this differ from a vanilla relationship? I think with this type of thing, what happens in the mind is what’s important. I know I’m in charge, and he knows I’m in charge. When he is completing a task, regardless of what it is, he knows he’s doing it because it’s what I want. He wants to please me and if that means taking on more responsibility then that’s what he’ll do. If it means doing something that some view as not a “submissive male” thing, that’s fine because my asking him to submit and do it eliminates the stereotype associated with the action.
In the beginning, it was not always as easy for me to say, “this is what I want”. Most of us are socialized to think that it’s wrong to be “selfish”. I had to learn that it’s different when I’m in a dominant/submissive relationship. It’s not just ok to ask for what I want, it’s what he wants and needs for me to do. Doing so didn’t make me a bad person at all. It’s unbelievable how freeing it was to realize that.
After I recognized I needed to ask for what I wanted and expect to get it, then came the really big question: Exactly what *do* I want? Life started getting a lot easier when I began to find some of the answers to that question.
- Lady Julia
P.S. One of the things I learned that I enjoy was specifying a certain time (say Friday evening from 8pm to midnight) and say, “This is your time to please me. Use your imagination and what you already know about me to create a special time for me. I love it when I know he has done something without my giving him the specifics and knowing he’s done it all because he wants to please me. He’s not taking control, he’s giving me a gift. If there’s an aspect of his plans that I do not wish to do, that’s perfectly ok with him. He’ll adapt because it’s not the plan that’s important – pleasing me is what is important to him.
Related posts:
- Female Led Versus Female Managed Relationships Rear Admiral Grace Hopper A delightfully sweet friend of mine...
- Femdom, Male Slaves, and Relationships Lady Julia. Do you believe that one day a...
- Topping, Attention, and a Nice Tush Picture Recently, both here and on his blog “She Deserves...
- Wants versus Needs A couple of days ago I shared my thoughts...
- A Domme’s Needs (Image by Natalia Artemieva – Artaddict.org) “What things do...
Hello Lady Julia,
Didn’t you once advise me FLR is about finding the “fit” or the balance between the two of you and the need to recognise flexibility in dominance and submission as a relationship grows or as a situation demands?
Hope I am not misquoting you!
I do not see any difference in a vanilla relationship and what you describe. Your last paragraph shows who you want to be in control. Being a submissive man means I don’t have to decide anything. I don’t have to guess about anything she wants. The Domme is supposed to tell me.
You have written some great articles lately. Your approach to domination is way more real and believable than anything I have seen. This is something I could show my wife without her running screaming from the room.
Do you think you could give more examples of what you do when you dominate? I’m not trying to get personal I only want something that my wife could get ideas from.
Thank you.
One of the things I like most about your writing is how you talk about what is effective for you, what you enjoy, and how you believe things should be in your relationships all without being critical of other people’s ways of doing things. That is very unique among the more “popular” bloggers. It seems like their readers are hypnotized (excuse the pun) into believing these writers are great because the writers profess they are great and “prove” it by tearing down the way other people do things.
I think people pay attention to what you say because of this.
They also pay attention to you because your theories make sense.
Sam, that’s an interesting post. “The Domme is supposed to…” But isn’t it the Domme that is making the rules? So theoretically at least, she can make any rules she wants to make.
i love sexy women’s feet and legs so i thank You greatly for the photo You used with this post. i can imagine how wonderful it would be to be someone’s foot slave and would give almost anything to do it. Do You like to have Your feet worshipped?
What if what you want is very different from what he wants? He wants me to do things and say things that I wouldn’t normally say or do and he wants me to mean it. I can do the things he wants because I love him but I can’t make myself mean it if I don’t.
Lady Julia, I understand each one of us is different and has unique expectations, and I never really thought of myself ever participating in a D/s relationship… until I began reading your blog. In my mind, the more you write, the more I see you as the ‘perfect Domme’.
Thank You …!!
I guess I don’t get this. A relationship is still a relationship, even what that is led by the female. Do we not as men still have responsibilities? And isn’t there a desire to do something that is perhaps not necessarily our responsibility, perhaps not even something we like doing, to please our partner? Unless there is a 24/7 slave type agreement, where she takes over everything, I hesitate to suggest that the man is falling into the trap that a lot of us men fall into and that is finding a way to not provide more in the relationship.
I would think that if he’s not doing something you would like him to do that this is where the game begins. This is a prime target for manipulating him sexually and emotionally not just into doing the task, but into wanting to do the task, at first perhaps because of the very tangible reward, but ultimately because he receives pleasure from the task for the sole reason that is serving you and pleases you.
Of course, relationships being relationships, sometimes things are off limits to the BDSM aspect of the relationship, but what she is describing in her post transcends a S/m relationship. A lot of relationships have trouble achieving a balance of responsibilities between the partners.
Nigel asked, “Didn’t you once advise me FLR is about finding the “fit” or the balance between the two of you and the need to recognise flexibility in dominance and submission as a relationship grows or as a situation demands?”
For me I think that is true. Certainly when my father was dying I wasn’t the same as I was a year before that. I needed him to be ok with me crying, feeling sad, needing comforting. And he was. Sometimes when his job got really stressful, he needed me to be more directive than I usually am. We didn’t have a static relationship. I don’t know that any can.
Sam said, “I do not see any difference in a vanilla relationship and what you describe. Your last paragraph shows who you want to be in control. Being a submissive man means I don’t have to decide anything. I don’t have to guess about anything she wants. The Domme is supposed to tell me.”
If you’re not able to function on your own to make any decisions or to accept any responsibility then I suppose you do need a Domme to hold your hand and guide you every step of the way. That’s not something that appeals to me and I really don’t think it does most women.
Jake asked, “Do you think you could give more examples of what you do when you dominate? I’m not trying to get personal I only want something that my wife could get ideas from.”
I can share some of the things I’ve done, but I’m not sure how well they would fit. For something to work, you sort of have to know your audience so to speak. Does that make sense?
Foot lover wondered, “Do You like to have Your feet worshipped?”
Well… I can’t say it’s my thing, but a lot of my reaction depends on the reaction of my partner. For some things, it’s about controlling his pleasure, not the act. For some things, it’s both :)
“What if what you want is very different from what he wants? He wants me to do things and say things that I wouldn’t normally say or do and he wants me to mean it. I can do the things he wants because I love him but I can’t make myself mean it if I don’t.” – Catherine asked.
I don’t know either of you so I can’t really advise you other than suggesting that you really tell him how you feel about all this and explain what you believe you can do. Perhaps if he is patient, understanding, and encouraging, your comfort level will grow a little. Mine has changed a lot over the last 2-3 years. I don’t think it would have if I’d been pressured.
Grey Owl, FTW, and Thomas – thank you for your comments :) I always enjoy reading your thoughts.
Grey Owl – you’re too sweet.
Lady Julia,
Sensing what does make you smile as you choose what it is you want is a simple gift shared, and in not any way purely selfish, I sense. And for the one with whom you share your wishes, it’s an honor received.
Respectfully,
willie owen