The lovely lady Dee at Sexy Whispers has written an interesting post on female/male communication. I thought she was dead on target when she mentioned:
PRAISE! Women so often point out the flaws and the malfunctions of a man. When he does the right thing…not matter how small…acknowledge it big!!
I couldn’t agree more. A long time ago I realized how quick people were to express negative things and how stingy many are with praise. So I made it my resolve that if I think something nice about someone, I say it. I don’t always succeed, but when I do I am so glad. The reaction I receive is sometimes really surprising. Many people just aren’t used to it, especially those in retail/service. Sometimes they look at me suspiciously as if I am wanting something. Some men are the same way ;)
With regard to femdom relationships, I think having praise flowing both ways is really important – especially when it’s a new relationship or in cases when the interaction has shifted to being a female led one. I think many women need praise as much as men do and they need it on a regular basis. It builds confidence in our actions, makes us feel sexy, and lets us know we’re valued. I think I mentioned in a previous post, just because you told us once four years ago that you appreciated something we did, they way we are, the way we look, etc – that doesn’t mean we don’t ever need to hear it again.
It’s great to hear, “I loved it when you…”, “It was so sexy when you..”, “When you said … it made me realize how much in control you really are.” Anything like that is a reinforcer to a dominant lady that what she is saying or doing is working.
So many submissive men really seem to thrive on praise. “You’re such a good boy…”, (no, not every man likes that phrase but something similar works), “it turned me on so much when you…”, “you responded so well to my control when you…”, “when you did… I knew I well and truly had control of your body and your mind”. If there is one thing I consistently hear men in female led relationships bemoan, it’s the fact that they don’t get nearly the amount of verbal feedback they need. They need to hear they’re doing it right, that we like it, and that oh yes most certainly we are in control.
Praising isn’t always an instinctive thing. Actually, most people have to consciously work at this. Even though it requires a bit of mental energy, the rewards for the relationship and the individuals (femdom or vanilla) are huge. We see not only the relationship grow, but outselves as individuals because people who feel appreciated are happier, more loyal, and more fulfilled.
No related posts.
Lady Julia,
I really agree with Today’s blog entry. At home and at work, I respond better to praise than to criticism.
While constructive criticism can sometimes be useful, most criticism I see day-in and day-out is of the destructive nature. I think such criticism tend to hurt relationships more than help.
On the other hand, I think praise tend to help a relationship (of course, I just remembered an exception – any individual who believe s/he is God’s gift to the world) instead of hurt it.
Will
Lady Julia,
I sense this, sincerely.
If we as good human beings feel an accolade is truthful, then it is our choice to express it.
For if we don’t, we may not pass that way again.
Longevity is an illusion.
Honest praise is not pavlovian.
A friend once told me, “I say I love you today, just in case I’m not here tomorrow.”
She may be gone, but her lesson lives.
respectfully,
willie
I love what you have to say about saying positive things. Please do not take this as “preaching” but I wonder if you know anything about Law of Attraction (LOA). LOA causes you to get more of what you focus on (whether that is positive or negative) so one of the huge benefits of being positive towards others is that draws more of the things you praise into your experience. I thought you would be interested in this information because it is so consistent with what you are already doing and what is already working for you. MJ
It is too true. I make it a practice to use someones name (give them identity as a person) and show appreciation for their time when in retail or service situation. It often surprises them, but the look of acknowledgement is worth it. As for our personal relationships…we often get into the habit of not showing affection through our words because we forget how good it feel to be acknowledged (or we get lazy). A few minutes ago, my hubby walked up behind me as I was designing an email card for a client and said, “That is awesome. You are so talented.” Seven words….and it made my day. How easy is that? And it is definately cheaper than a Hallmark card! *grin* Kisses! ~~Dee
I agree absolutely. Although, I don’t call it “praise”, I call it “validation”, and I’ve written a lot about it before.
As you mentioned, most of us aren’t instinctively good at validation, because we often don’t have a good model for learning how. Instinctively we know we need it (how many times have we heard people bitching about not being appreciated) but unfortunately we have no instinct for providing it. I think this leads to more interpersonal problems than many may realise.
I think there are also problems relating to validating people who somehow cannot accept or embrace positive comments about themselves. But I think that’s a whole different issue.
Willie, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said things because I thought – what if this is the last time I see this person (usually it’s right after I’ve been angry with someone and I don’t want part on an angry note.)
Mistress Jeanine, welcome to my blog comment section :)
I have in the past heard of LOA. I can’t say I consciously live the way I do because of that, but I do think there’s something to it.