In response to my post Such a Good Boy, Will remarked:
At home and at work, I respond better to praise than to criticism.
While constructive criticism can sometimes be useful, most criticism I see day-in and day-out is of the destructive nature. I think such criticism tend to hurt relationships more than help.
On the other hand, I think praise tend to help a relationship (of course, I just remembered an exception – any individual who believe s/he is God’s gift to the world) instead of hurt it.
Will, I very much agree with you and your very good point about constructive criticism. Unfortunately since none of us are perfect, we all sometimes need to hear when we could be doing a better job or when things are not quite so perfect for our partner. Sometimes we need to hear about it when we really flub up. (Except me of course, being a perfect Domme and all ;)
I learned a model a long time ago in a management class that’s served me well. Praise, constructive criticism, praise.
Before I ever approach someone to offer constructive criticism, I try to make sure I know my audience. This means knowing how sensitive they are, how receptive they will be, what words appear less threatening, and when the timing is right to approach them. When we’re ready, I can begin (with *honest* words) the “offer praise, offer constructive criticism, complete with praise” approach.*
A couple of examples might be:
“I really appreciate your attempts to do ______. You did a nice job with this aspect and this aspect and I especially appreciated that you responded as quickly as you did. I would like to ask that you take a look at this one thing because there is room for improvement there. Let’s discuss our ideas on how things can improve. When you make these adjustments I believe you’ll come closer to meeting my expectations and yours as well. I know you can do this because you’re bright, you are very diligent when it comes to tasks I ask for you to complete, ..”, etc.
“You are a very responsible, intelligent person. Those are only a couple of the reasons I love being your dominant lady. With this one task, you’ve fallen short. Let’s talk about why and what needs to happen to make certain you complete it to my satisfaction. It’s not at all like you to fail to do as I ask/ to do things like this. You’re intelligent, able to accomplish so many things, and I know you want to please me.”
This sounds all pollyanna sunshiney, but it does usually work for me when managing others and it can work within a femdom relationship. I just adjust it a bit :)
–
*I’m not a relationship coach. This shouldn’t be construed as a magic bullet as so many variables play into any interaction. I’m simply relating what works for me.
~ Lady Julia
No related posts.
My personality would catch that “management class model” and I would
then lose respect for whoever tried this on me.
Now, this is just me. Some work that way, I do not.
My brain reasons that you are only doing the praise to bring up the criticism.
So it “feels” fake to me. For me it’s simple… deliver praise/criticism when
each is warranted at its proper time.
– Dan
I agree. This is so fake it is insulting to the recipient. My way is to be an adult and say what needs to be said. If he’s a man at all he should be able to take it that way.
I understand that this might not be a technique that is effective with either one of you. To say it would feel fake is understandable, Dan. I wouldn’t feel that way but I can see where some might.
Lisa to call it fake and insulting and to say a real man could take criticism without it is your opinion but I get the impression it is offered more as a way to cut down Lady Julia than it is to express your ideas. I am happy to hear from you on this if I am wrong. I’ve been reading your frequently negative comments and I have asked myself why you keep coming back if you so strongly disagree with everything Lady Julia says. Is it to learn or to make yourself feel better by trying to cut her down? You may not be aware of this but your negative comments do not reflect negatively on her. They reflect on you.
In my opinion this is an effective way of communicating if the person using it is sincere. Having spent some time talking with Lady Julia it’s easy to see how this would work for her. She is very generous with her compliments and she is not a critical person. She’s also very caring so I imagine when she offers criticism, she sandwiches it with praise so that the person isn’t left feeling bad about themselves or their efforts.
Lady Julia,
I laughed out loud at this comment:
(Except me of course, being a perfect Domme and all ;)
In my head I could almost see you smiling as your typed it.
I too have read the management model you mentioned on giving constructive criticism. When someone is giving me recommendations for improvement, I prefer it come in this model. Sometimes I recognize it; but I still prefer it.
Of course, I wish I was pleasing all the times but, unlike yourself, I’m not a perfect ;-).
I hope you get better soon,
Will
i see a minor problem in that the technique has been widely taught in management courses, so there are those who have had similar training that may have their antennae up and will see it coming. But i think it is only problematic if the technique is not taken to heart and is used superficially. If the praise is well considered, connected and genuine and is understood as an attempt to maintain a balanced perspective while delivering criticism, the recipient is likely to be more receptive and appreciative.
Of course there is the occasional village idiot who needs to be hit in the forehead with a 2×4, but i digress…
I don’t believe it is the process people object to, it’s the sincerity involved. If the person is only going through the motions then people can tell.
If someone is being sincere when they use this communication style then it shows they have given a lot of thought to the value of the individual and care how she or he responds. The main focus of this post was using this manner of speaking with someone we are in a relationship with. Speaking after thinking, caring how he or she feels, valuing the individual, and looking for the good in the person not only the bad would seem to me to be healthy for any relationship.
Very little in the form of communication is new or unidentifiable. Because people are aware of a certain style doesn’t make it ineffective. If it did, most communication would cease.
Caring, sincerity, and directness can go a long way. I have been in a relationship with a woman who didn’t care what she said or how she said it. Your way would be a delight and very effective.
I usually find it difficult to accept praise. However, when a woman offers it in a heartfelt manner I am affected in a very positive way. I open up more. I let down my guard a little further. And, oh yes, ……. it feels good. :) The actual topic or items of the praise are not important. It’s all about the intention of kindness for me. Of course, nothing turns me off more than insincere praise. I would rather be insulted honestly. ;)
I believe in giving praise where it is due and I usually find that is due for most people. I believe in giving praise, but I don’t do it enough. Here lies an excellent opportunity to put myself into the shoes of others.
Arafin
Will said,
Lady Julia,
I laughed out loud at this comment:
(Except me of course, being a perfect Domme and all ;)
In my head I could almost see you smiling as your typed it.
Yes, I was smiling. I think the whole “perfect” Domme thing is amusing, but most of all I smile because I *know* I’m not perfect. Hmm… really, wouldn’t perfect be boring? Just think… no make-up sex – because perfect people don’t fight. No him saying “here honey let me bend over and pick up that thing you dropped” and me watching his gorgeous bottom as he does – because perfect people don’t drop things. Sure… I could just tell him to show me his behind but sometimes those unplanned moments…. yum…
I too have read the management model you mentioned on giving constructive criticism. When someone is giving me recommendations for improvement, I prefer it come in this model. Sometimes I recognize it; but I still prefer it.
I never even thought of it as being something people did or didn’t recognize. To me it just makes good sense not to leave people feeling bad when there are so many good things about them.
Of course, I wish I was pleasing all the times but, unlike yourself, I’m not a perfect ;-).
Well since you aren’t perfect then that means Mrs. Will can have fun “punishing” you :)
“Will – go stand at the foot of the bed you imperfect man. That’s right – stand there and do not move until I say.” All the while she’s gazing at your face and your body thinking of all the things she wants and can do to imperfect you ;)
Lady Julia
Lady Julia,
With your approach I could have weathered my jobs if I had you as my boss even without the sexual implications. Seriously, I have had some supervisors who were just insensitive and had no idea of rational, cultural, psychological approaches. I am not what you would call “politically correct,” in fact, I abhor the idea of it. But I want to give credit where it is due. I am also sensitive to other things. Being a boss is not about insults. It is about leadership.
Yes, Mrs. Will, I’ll stand here until you decide what to do with me. Oh! you are going to give me a army type punishment. Push-ups. Yes madam, I’ll do push-ups until you say stop ;-).
Will
P. S. While I don’t like spankings, dropping and giving her 20 might be a punishment I would beg for ;-).
Wow, I really liked this. There is something richly erotic for me imagining the love of my life pointing out my mistakes and holding me accountable to meet her expectations going forward, in a manner of sensitivity, tenderness, but also firmness.
Thanks!
Tom