If the lady of your dreams leaned against you, tempting you with the soft curves of her body while running her fingertips along your jawline, would she have at least a tiny bit of your attention? If her lips moved to caress your ear, her warm breath causing your body to tremble – even though perhaps you hate to admit that as a man you trembled – while her hand slid down and caressed your bottom.. would everything around you cease to exist for at least a few moments? If she murmured softly that she wanted you… would you deny her anything?
What if her one requirement was that you woo her?
It seems that the art of wooing is quite difficult for many men. Oh, not the smooth operator guys, but the average joe – especially the average joe who is a bit submissive.
I can understand that. Every now and then on the rarest of occasions, a few women can be the tiniest bit difficult to read. Then there’s the whole “I’m the submissive – she’s the Domme – she should tell me every single thing to do” rule. (Oh wait, that’s only a rule in fantasyland.)
What would you do?
I ask because, in spite of it all, there are some women – dare I say it – even some dominant women – who want to be romanced. There are some who want to be chased til they catch the men they want. And.. while I doubt the figures I often hear regarding the numbers of submissive men versus the number of dominant women, there are more of you than there are of us.
How would you capture her attention and then hold on to it?
Related posts:
- Topping, Attention, and a Nice Tush Picture Recently, both here and on his blog “She Deserves...
- “How Can I Make My Wife” Dear Lady Julie. How can i make my wife...
I hope you are planning on a “part two” to this post, because I think most of us have no idea how to woo a woman especially a dominant one.
It is so difficult to know what you women want. If you would just tell us, most of the time we would do it even if it wasn’t a dominant submissive relationship. It’s the guessing that drives us mad.
How can a submissive man woo someone? Isn’t this something the dominant person in the relationship always does? I don’t mean dominant submissive I mean just the more aggressive of the two.
You are the first dominant woman I have ever heard say this.
It is true that I don’t know much about the whole dominance and submission dynamic but it would seem to me that being submissive shouldn’t mean one is without a brain, a spine, or any initiative.
Many women like to be romanced. That is a given. If a lovely, caring, sensual, dominant woman indicates she wishes to be courted, why wouldn’t men line up to give her what she wants? Isn’t that what submissive men do, give the dominant what she wants?
It does not surprise me that you would want to be wooed my fine Lady, just like everyone else wants to be wooed too :-) Being a strong woman does not make one averse to the woo.
I also understand the trepidation of guys to make the first move around a strong lady. He worries that he may be unworthy, or boring, or maybe unattractive to her, (that’s me sometimes too ;-) Well, I think that anyone will appear unworthy if they just sit there like a lump of jello waiting for the woman of their dreams to order them to be her man!
Submissives and dominants alike both need personality, or at least the ability to be entertaining, or humorous, or intelligent, in order to keep another person’s interest.
It is all part of being a well rounded person, and a valued asset to the wooing process :-)
Having said these words from the safety of my couch, I suspect I might freeze up and melt like jello if I ever met you in person sweet lady.
D
I think the trepidation people feel about pursuing another is experienced by almost everyone but the most arrogant. No one wants to be rejected.
Everyone wants to feel desired and not for what they can do for someone. People want to feel wanted for themselves.
What is the world coming to, that a lady would have to resort to such extreme measures just to get a little woo? In times past she could just drop a handkerchief, or maybe in extreme cases show a bit of leg. It sure takes a lot to excite a guy these days.
If that were the lady of my dreams, I wouldn’t require the invitation – I’d already be at work. I would pay attention to her (but not too much), listen, ask questions, make her feel like the most fascinating thing in my world. I would make her laugh, show her new things, treat her to things she already loves; open doors, take her hand to help her out of the car, and see her to her door at night. I would learn her needs, even the ones she didn’t know she had, and surprise her with little acts of thoughtfulness.
And I’d give her space. Go slow, leave quiet times between our meetings. Let her wonder a bit when I’ll call next, give her time to make the next move sometimes. Live a full life outside of her orbit, maintain some mystery and distance. Wooing is a dance — sometimes you step toward your partner, and sometimes you step away and let her approach. You lead for a while, then she does, then you take over again.
Some men (and women, I suppose) treat the game between the sexes as one of hunter and prey. (Now where have I heard that language? :-) ) That’s one game, I suppose, but it’s not wooing, and it’s not really to my taste. The point of wooing is not conquest but intimacy: trust slowly earned through a process of mutual exploration. It’s a Zen-and-the-art-of-archery sort of thing, where the point is how you draw the bow, and hitting the target is a second-order effect.
If only I had known this when I was young. :-)
Best,
Felix
First off I will readily admit that the following observations do not apply to all people, …….. but I do think they apply to many if not most.
The process of moving into a relationship, at least a romantic one, is like a dance. The widely accepted norm in our society is for the man to lead, but in a situation where the woman is dominant and the man submissive the opposite is true. Still, it is a dance and each partner is responsible for supplying their own means of locomotion. The one who leads does not hold up the other and do all the work, (unless the submissive stands on the Dom/me’s feet and just goes along for the ride). In any dance there is a give and take, resistance, giving in, initiative, leading, and following. Who wants to dance with a rag doll?
If a man wants to spark a romance with a dominant woman he must be able to respectfully communicate his wishes and then respectfully listen to the response. The Domme must respectfully listen and then respectfully communicate her wishes. The better the two understand each other the better the chances of success. Any hot chemistry that may take place will depend for it’s longevity on honest and open dialog. The fear some men may feel when approaching a Domme should not be given more focus than it is due, and it is due no more than the fear a vanilla man would feel when approaching a vanilla woman. The key in any relationship is to engender and maintain awareness of what the other is feeling, to sense the moves and respond gracefully whether leading the dance or following. It’s supposed to be fun, right? Playful flirting, teasing, and power exchange are the language by which partners communicate their feelings in a graceful manner. The art of wooing depends for it’s success upon skill and bravery of both the wooer and the wooey.
And now I must confess that everything I wrote above contained within it a secondary motive, to use the word “wooey” in a sentence. :)
Ted,
You said, It is so difficult to know what you women want. If you would just tell us, most of the time we would do it even if it wasn’t a dominant submissive relationship. It’s the guessing that drives us mad.
Ask. Then listen. Really.
Of course we can tell you without you asking, especially those of us who are dominant, but… well for me, I want to see that a man cares enough to ask and yes, sometimes I want him to take the initiative. If in some people’s minds that makes me not a Domme, I don’t really care :) I want what I want and I want him to do it.
Oh wait – that last part sounds a bit Dommish, doesn’t it? ;)
James,
How can a submissive man woo someone? Isn’t this something the dominant person in the relationship always does? I don’t mean dominant submissive I mean just the more aggressive of the two.
You are the first dominant woman I have ever heard say this.
I hesitate to write this because you can’t hear my tone of voice. Let me assure you that I am not being defensive nor am I angry. I’m trying to explain in a very nice way.
How many dominant women do you know? Dominant women – real, live, honest-to-goodness dominant women are still women. Sure some women don’t like the whole “romance” thing, but I believe *everyone* has the need to feel desired enough that they are pursued in some manner. You don’t have to court someone in an aggressive way. Think of it is undirected pleasing. What’s so submissive about a woman wanting her fella to use his brain to please her?
The fantasy dominance and submission stuff that is written in so many places on the web is not bad in and of itself, but it has made it difficult in some situations for real women to live up to their partners’ expectations.
Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments. As is often the case, there is more of the “meat” of the subject in the comments section than there was in the original post :)
Felix, you said, What is the world coming to, that a lady would have to resort to such extreme measures just to get a little woo? In times past she could just drop a handkerchief, or maybe in extreme cases show a bit of leg. It sure takes a lot to excite a guy these days.
When I wrote this post, I was thinking of a remark made by a lady that has been in a relationship for some time. She said, “I miss dating. We’ve been together so long that he no longer makes any effort the way he did when we dated. I think it is because he knows he has me now and he doesn’t have to.”
I don’t know her very well, so I don’t know if she is still making the same efforts to woo *him* as she did when they dated, but it occurred to me that it takes two to keep the romance and seduction alive.
I am quite thrilled to seduce, tease, excite, and more if I am with someone. I think he should be only too willing to do the same, albeit at times from a different perspective. While the “how” is different, that desire on both parts to keep the romance/seduction alive is (in my opinion) imperative to maintaining a healthy relationship.
Your post about wooing sparked a question in my mind which I’ve been mulling over for the last few days. I kept coming back to this:
“If the lady of your dreams leaned against you [...] while running her fingertips along your jawline, [...] If her lips moved to caress your ear [...] while her hand slid down and caressed your bottom.. [...] If she murmured softly that she wanted you… would you deny her anything? What if her one requirement was that you woo her?”
Gosh, that behaviour you described sounds pretty woo-like to me. Wooing to woo? Mutual wooage sounds like a pretty good idea to me in principle. :)
When I read your post, I was reminded of men who solicit me by telling me how much they hope I’m the dominant of their dreams, but that their shyness and fear prevent them from meeting me in a public place – but look, here’s a picture of my penis because I know you will find that impossible to resist. They sit back and wait for me to jump at the chance to take charge of them, and then express astonished bewilderment when I somehow forget that I’m supposed to rush enthusiastically into coaxing, cajoling, begging and persuading them to do what they claim to want to do anyhow.
What I realised from reading your post, is that most of these men appear to expect me to woo them.
To me, this is like me longing for sushi, then searching for a place to eat sushi, then expecting the sushi place to coax, cajole, beg and persuade me to eat their sushi, and then expecting the sushi place to thank me profusely when I finally do eat their sushi at their expense. In other words, satisfy my desires and then reward me for the privilege. What an incredibly attractive idea! No wonder it’s so popular. :)
Unfortunately, this idea is about as realistic as being able to solve all the world’s problems using only prunes. I mean, if those expectations I described for me to coax, cajole, beg and persuade aren’t manipulative demands for me to do a whole bunch of wooing, then I’m an Albanian zookeeper with bunions. (and just so we’re clear – I’m not)
Now, I think it’s only fair that I should woo a person I’m interested in, if I choose to. I also think my interest might be sparked by a quality bit of wooness from a person I might otherwise have overlooked. However, I don’t expect any person to spend any of their woo energies on me if they know nothing about me, any more than I expect to invest any of my own woo energies on a person about whom I know nothing. Furthermore, if a person is interested in me and chooses to try to get to know me in ways other than wooing, I’m fine with that.
I am also reminded of the Receiving Vs Doing section of my validation post, in which I observe the ease with which most people recognise when they are being insufficiently validated by others, and the difficulties most people have recognising when they themselves are insufficiently validating others. I think this type of mismatch is also prevalent in wooing. I think it’s a lot easier to recognise when one is or isn’t being appropriately wooed than it is to recognise when one is or isn’t appropriately wooing others. In this context I regard wooing as a form of validation.
I think wooing is quite tricky for a wider section of the population than average joes who are a bit submissive. I think that wooing is tricky for most people, in the same way that validation is tricky to give but not to receive. And I also think that expecting the dominant to do all the wooing is unrealistic and unfair. I think a lot of people might be surprised to find out how much woo they can gain from a small woo investment. Just a little woo can accrue much interest. :)
I feel repelled when my wooness is demanded or attempts are made to manipulate me into wooing. I only woo when I am attracted to a specific person, and I only enjoy wooing from others which represents honest feelings which are specifically about me personally. I do appreciate that your post is not at all about demands for wooness, but is presenting suggestions and queries about wooing. I just thought I’d share the connection thingy that happened in my head when I read your post.
Today, kvetch told me he feels wooed by me on a regular basis. And I definitely I feel wooed whenever kvetch sushi’s me, which is pretty often. So, yay. :)
And welcome back, Lady Julia. :)
“I hesitate to write this because you can’t hear my tone of voice. Let me assure you that I am not being defensive nor am I angry. I’m trying to explain in a very nice way.”
You have the kindest, most sensitive heart. I’ve never met anyone remotely like you.
“I am quite thrilled to seduce, tease, excite, and more if I am with someone. I think he should be only too willing to do the same, albeit at times from a different perspective. While the “how” is different, that desire on both parts to keep the romance/seduction alive is (in my opinion) imperative to maintaining a healthy relationship.”
Mutual wooing. If everyone could grasp this concept the divorce rate would plummet to single digits.
“I hesitate to write this because you can’t hear my tone of voice. Let me assure you that I am not being defensive nor am I angry. I’m trying to explain in a very nice way.”
Occasionally I glance over a few other blogs. Some are interesting and others I read because they are so ridiculous they provide a good laugh. I’ve noticed how many don’t mind to hurt others and how many hold commentors up to ridicule in order to “prove” how wonderful the writer is. A perfect example is the self-professed expert (idiot) “on female dominance”.
You do not profess to be an expert yet it is obvious you have a very clear understanding of relationships both femdom and other. You do not ever ridicule people who disagree with you and your patience seems unending. It is no wonder you are loved and admired by so many.
Lady Julia,
TY for the pointers. I am always interested in how a beautiful women thinks and/or dreams/fantasizes.
Rob
Lubyanka, I absolutely loved your comment. You are a gem – a very humorous gem :) Also, thanks to Arafin and you, I’ve learned so many variations or uses for the word woo :)
David, Thomas, and Rob – thank you very much for your kind remarks.
Lady Julia, I feel very validated! Yay. :)
My personal feeling… The potential D/s nature of a potential relationship doesn’t matter at this stage. So drop it from the equation.
Both people want to be wooed, I presume. I wonder how much of the submissive side of some men is based on one simple desire: to be wooed in return for all the wooing they’ve been expected to do. Or perhaps to be wooed because they just don’t know how to do the wooing themselves.
In any case, how do you woo a woman, any woman? Well, I think I will admit to being somewhat clueless. I can tell you what I do know, but I also think what I do is inadequate.
I keep things simple. I ask her out. I’m interested in her, and I let that show. I hold doors. I learn to dance. I find things to share with her that I think may interest her.
I don’t buy her things very much, not at this stage. Maybe that’s a mistake. It would be fun to buy her a little something if we’re out together and I see something she might like — be it a single flower, a ribbon, whatever. Something small and simple. Expensive and flashy is tacky. The expense of a gift should be in keeping with the nature of the relationship. A $5 ribbon with the words, “I thought this would look great in your hair and matches your blouse” is sweet.
I personally don’t like the phone. I would *much* rather talk to someone in person. I want to see her eyes, watch her expression. And frankly, I have wonderful deep blue eyes myself, and I want her to see them. In any case, I don’t like the phone except for pure information exchange, but there are two women I very much enjoy talking to on the phone. I suspect that says more about them than it does about me (they’re both pretty outgoing people and fun to talk to). But I think when it comes to wooing, I need to get better about picking up the phone and saying, “Hi. I was just thinking about you and wanted to hear your voice.” Quite literally say that, actually. It doesn’t need to be a long call, just a little verbal touch.
So, as I said, I’m probably hopelessly inadequate in what I do, but there you have it…
Lady Julia,
I think Arafin stated it very well, it is a dance in so many ways and like a dance it takes interaction and reaction from both to get the most out of it. Felix and the Free thinking writer also express very well thoughts I share.
Just a few quick thoughts
-1) In the example you wrote out so well…No absolutely I would not deny her anything and I would cherish giving her everything.
Before I get into the other points-let me totally agree that virtually all men, myself included feel very inadequate at how to properly WOO as you say a woman especially a very beautiful and desirable woman. that said her is my 2 cents worth.
2) Their is 2 kinds of Wooing- one is very early on trying to get a relationship started,
to get her to notice you. To me this is the hardest becuase you probably do not know her very well.
3) the other kind of wooing is continuing to bring life to the Dance of a more established relationship. The key to this is a) want to do it, you are in the relationship becuase you love or atleast care the other pereson so making them happy should also bring us joy.
b) Take the time and effort to listen to what they enjoy, and then supprise them with it
be it Tickets and a trip to a Barbara Streisand concert (that she loves and knows you could care less about) or laying out her toothbrush with the toothpaste already on it, so when she gets up after you have left early for work, she has a simple reminder you care about her.
I own and operate a large card and gift store among the many things that I do, and like I said I know as men we are not good at this, but I am amazed at the men who come in to my shop to buy an gift for their wife of many years and have no clue as to what she might like or what she is interested in. Sometimes after 20 questions they might remember – ya she gardens or similar.
While I am far from good at it, Woointg to me is one of the best parts of a relationship,
bring joy/happiness especially if it is unexpected to the person you care deeply for.
You Lady Juia have such varied interests that it would not be hard to find things you might enjoy but I suspect it would be more in the delivery/presentation an unexpected delivery to you, in it two packages, one with a new pair of Wolford stockings and dinner reservations at a romantic restaurant, and in the other A Life is Good Sweatshirt and a photo of a quit spot in the mountains by a stream with an invitation to go for a picnic or camping.
then the note “Can I tempt you to get away….you decide, I only know I want to be with you”.
You should merely give your boy simple directions explaining exactly what you want and expect. No need for these games.
LOL. One size does not fit all. What works for M. Lisa doesn’t necessarily work for everyone else. And vice verse.
I agree with Mistress Lisa. Why not tell him to go buy you flowers or wash your car? That’s what a submissive does is follows direction. He is waiting for you to tell him what to do. That is what makes submission good not having to decide what to do because it is all up to her.
LOL. Yes, men should all be mindless drones, because that’s what women want.
*looks around to find women like that*
Hmm. I’m not finding any.
Which takes more control: ordering someone to do something or being so alluring and persuasive that men want to do whatever will please her solely to make her happy?