Over the next few posts I thought I’d share a few things that tend to draw my attention to a man and often keep it there. I’m not saying that these things work with all women, but I believe they’re something to consider :)
I am intrigued by a man who allows me to see he is interesting. I deliberately phrased it that way because everyone is interesting in one fashion or another. He doesn’t have to be an expert in this or that, simply someone who can chat about things we each find appealing or might find appealing. He doesn’t have to have the broadest vocabulary or be the smoothest speaker. Sincere, thoughtful, open. Those things work.
If you feel you don’t have much of interest to speak about, it may help to maintain an awareness of current events. I have a friend who sends me links to interesting news and human interest types of stories. They’re fun and interesting to talk about and the discussion of these articles allows me insight into so many things about him – his sense of humor, how he thinks and how quickly he thinks, his values, etc.
It’s equally important that he show me he finds me to be interesting as well. I remember exchanging emails once with someone who always made it a point to ask at least a couple of questions in each email. They weren’t always personal questions. In fact, most often they were “what do you think about ____” or “what would you do if _____” types of questions. This accomplished a couple of things in addition to affording him the opportunity to get to know me better – I knew right away he found me interesting and his questions allowed the dialog to continue. We exchanged emails for quite some time because he knew how to encourage a response.
No related posts.
I quite agree that being interesting is just as much about showing something engaging as being engaged in what the other person is thinking. No one wants to be misunderstood, taken lightly, or ignored when in a relationship and the more one can focus on one’s partner, and allow one’s partner to focus on oneself, the wider the door opens for attractive and thought provoking exchange. Learning to bring out the best in someone is a skill and it is a two way street.
Thank you for another stimulating post. Hey, look what you got me to write! You did that on purpose, didn’t you? :)
I never know what to talk about to women I don’t know. Especially Dommes. How can I be interesting if I don’t know what to say?
You have a real talent for making someone feel interesting and I’ve never seen anyone so good at asking interesting, discussion provoking questions. How do you do it?
[...] InLady Julia’s Entranced Realmshe is exploring the importance of sincere and open verbal communication as it relates to submissive men wooing Dominant women. Being interesting and allowing others to see it has been discussed as well as everyone’s inherent need to feel wanted, even sought after. Verbal exchange is a talent which can be improved upon with practice and thus increase one’s chances of success when courting the affections of another. Equally important is the talent of listening. I would like to now seek opinions in the realm of visual exchange as it relates to wooing and being wooed. This would seem to be a much more simple and straightforward method of communication, ….. but is it really? [...]
Yes wonderful reminder on how to conduct a conversation.
Sometimes exhuberence gets the better of me though :)
James if you don’t know what to say to a woman then ask questions to find out her interests. People love to talk about themselves so as long as you do not look like you are interrogating her she should be happy to talk about herself. Then learn about her interests so that the next time you talk to her you can participate more in the discussion.
Movies, books, television programs, places you would like to travel, people you would like to meet, these are all safe topics and do not require expertise to speak about.
“I never know what to talk about to women I don’t know. Especially Dommes. How can I be interesting if I don’t know what to say?”
James – how do you talk to women you do know? What about men whether you know them or not, how do you talk to them? What do you talk about with shop assistants, people in the street, colleagues, friends, and relatives? I think that if you can talk to some people, then you know that you already have the skills and abilities you need to speak with somebody you’re sexually attracted to.
Also, I think that an interesting person is still interesting whether they’re speaking or not. Speaking is simply one of many ways to share interestingness with others. Think of that Buffy episode “Hush“. That episode was nominated for an Emmy award and is definitely one of the most memorable Buffy episodes ever. Yet most of that episode is completely without speech of any kind.
NEWSFLASH: 13 April 2009 - Dublin A new study published today reveals startling new findings that dominant women are just like everybody else. The study reports conclusive evidence that at least 9 out of every 10 dominant women drop stuff at least once a week, and 6 out of every 10 dominant women can eat meals and leave crumbs and drips everywhere. Inside sources report that sometimes the crumbs can be cake-related. The crumb and drip specialists were unavailable for comment.
So if you want to share your interestingness with dominant women, and you can already share your interestingness with people other than dominant women, then you know that you can share your interestingness with dominant women.
So go forth and share your interestingness. :)
Arafin – loved your blog post in response to mine. (If you don’t read Arafin’s blog, you’re missing out. He’s a wonderful writer. Check it out here.
Dear Lady Julia,
Thank you. You are too kind. A great deal of what turns up on my blog I owe to you, and in fact my reason to start blogging in the first place.
James,
I know it is difficult for some men to talk to women when there is a spark of interest there. I suspect part of the problem comes in trying to impress the lady. When we try to impress someone, we often get nervous and say or do things that we ordinarily wouldn’t say or do. Perhaps it is easier if we try to relax, try to be ourselves, and express an interest in what the other person is talking about. Often our comments, when sincerely offered, are quite interesting and serve to keep the conversation going.
If you want to initiate a subject, consider some of the things you talk about with other people you know. Lubyanka has made a very good point. Dominant women are women – nothing more. I like to talk about a variety of different things and also enjoy talking about things that are different than my interests. Over the years I’ve developed an interest in Science Fiction (including Trek and Who) because men in my life have introduced me to the shows. I first learned about computers thanks to the topic being initiated by a fellow I knew.
I will add this caveat – I watch the responses I get when I initiate topics. If there’s no interest or if the interest wanes then I can change the subject or allow the other person to do so.
If you find it difficult to talk to women you are interested in, talk more to women with whom you are strictly friends or female members of your family. Ask them questions about what they like/dislike. The more you practice, the easier it will be when it is someone with whom you have a romantic or sexual interest.
One idea when you don’t know what to talk about, ask a question. Preferably a meaningful question. There are some questions everyone can answer that can easily lead in excellent directions. I’ll offer a few examples:
1. What do you do for a living? Do you like it? What do you like about it?
2. Where did you grow up? What did you like to do?
3. When you aren’t at work, what do you like to do? How did you get involved in that? Is it hard to learn? Have you ever tried such-and-such?
4. Do you like to travel? Where was your last vacation? Where do you want your next to be?
Let’s say, for example, she says, “I like to go dancing?” There are a ton of followup questions:
A. “What style of dances do you like?”
B. “Where do you go?”
C. “Do you have a favorite band to dance to?”
D. “Have you ever tried (insert some dance style she didn’t already mention)?”
E. “Do you like to dress up or down when you go dancing?”
F. “Do you go with anyone in particular or find people to dance with once you’re there?”
G. “Do you wait for guys to ask you to dance, or do you ask them?”
H. “When you ask them, how do you pick who you’re going to ask?”
I. “When they ask you, how do you decide if you’re going to say yes or no?”
etc. etc. etc.
Throughout all of this, you’ll find opportunities to comment. This isn’t an interrogation after all. If she says, “I like East Coast Swing,” you can say “I’ve always wanted to do that. It looks like so much fun.” You can then talk about how you’ve wanted to learn to Tango ever since you watched Morticia and Gomez Addams as a teenager. (Okay, I just dated myself.)
My main point — if you don’t know what to say, ask a question. If the response is brief, ask a followup. When you see a chance to comment, do so. She’ll probably be doing the same, and that’s how conversation works. If the conversation grinds to a halt, you can ask a new question on a new topic.
The initial questions are just personal enough but not so personal that you couldn’t ask a relative stranger. But it gets the conversation going, and then the turn can be to however personal the two of you choose.
From my perspective, when somebody starts asking me questions about myself – especially when those questions are unaccompanied by any offers of similar information about themselves in exchange – I start to feel like I’m being asked to carry the conversation, and I switch off.
Also, I personally feel that being asked questions such as what I do for a living, where I grew up, what my favourite [x] is, and what I like to do feel intrusive to me. I feel they are personal questions which can wait until I know them better.
I’m sure that asking questions about the other person works well for some people. I thought it was worth pointing out that those kinds of questions sometimes turn a person off.
Personally, I respond well if a person answers their own question before asking me. For example, tell me what your favourite [x] is before asking me that. In my experience, people who ask questions like that haven’t considered what it’s like to answer them, so if they answer them first before asking me, I feel reassured that I’m not going to be the only one participating in this conversation.
To be clear – I did indicate the answers elicited would provide opportunities to make ones own responses. In fact, I devoted an entire paragraph to it. See the paragraph beginning with “Throughout all of this, you’ll find opportunities to comment.” One isn’t performing an interrogation, one is causing conversation to happen. Conversation pretty much by definition requires bidirectional communication. Otherwise it’s a monologue.
My post was directed towards people who admit they don’t know what to talk about. If they knew what to talk about, they wouldn’t need to get her talking first.
I’ve found that one of the very first questions that comes up in casual conversation (right after “how do you like the weather”) is “So, what do you do?” (The implication is you’re being asked what you do for a living.) At least where I live in the US, this type of question is considered pretty impersonal and you can safely ask it seconds after you learn someone’s name (and I’ve seen it asked before names may have really been properly exchanged).
It’s possible this question is deemed far more personal in other parts of the world. I admit that very thought puzzles me, but the fact that the lass from Ireland expressed concern suggests this could be the case. I’d love to hear if that’s so. It would be interesting to learn how else attitudes towards privacy may matter.
I can see how some of the later questions I suggested may seem more intrusive. There’s probably a reason I put “what do you do for a living’ first, although I wasn’t consciously trying to order the questions by privacy factor.
We could have a pretty interesting and complicated discussion regarding cultural differences and how to manage them. Barring that discussion, I’ll stand by my original suggestion.
When you don’t know what to talk about, ask a question. On Lady Lubyanka’s advice, choose questions that aren’t likely to be perceived as overly intrusive.
This advice also works for people who find themselves talking too much or worse: talking about themselves too much. At least at that point, you’ve probably broken the ice enough that it’s reasonable to steer the conversation back in her direction.
“It’s possible this question is deemed far more personal in other parts of the world. I admit that very thought puzzles me, but the fact that the lass from Ireland expressed concern suggests this could be the case. I’d love to hear if that’s so. It would be interesting to learn how else attitudes towards privacy may matter.”
It’s true that here in Ireland, it is customary to wait some time before asking what a person does for a living. Topics such as profession, approximate income, and place of origin can be quite private. In the context of a volatile political situation such as Ireland has had for some time, sensitive background information such as that can disclose politicial/religious/economic affiliations which can put a person at risk. One never knows who one is talking to until one knows them better.
That’s why I put my perceptions of your advice in terms of me personally, and added the caveat that your suggestions would probably work for many others. I still think that avoiding personal information which could be sensitive in favour of lighter topics might be useful, at least outside the United States. I also think that there will always be some who prefer to avoid certain topics for personal reasons, and I think that respecting those boundaries makes a good start to any potential relationship. :)
Those are interesting points. I imagine such concerns hamper communications as one dances around asking, “Are you Catholic or Protestant” (or whatever other verbal dances one must do).
Here (at least in Minnesota, USA), asking someone “What do you do for a living?” is about the tamest question one could ask, only slightly more personal than talking about the weather. Now, asking “What does a job like that pay?” — that’s downright rude.
I wonder how many people Americans unwittingly offend with our seemingly innocuous questions. When facing someone with an unusual accent, we’ll almost always ask, “Where are you from?” within moments of meeting, perhaps almost the first words that blurt out of our mouths. This is just casual conversation to us.
I’d be interested to know what a conversational progression might be in Ireland. Here it would be typical to:
-Exchange names
-Comment on the weather
-Ask about careers
-Ask about interests
-Ask about childhood (where did you grow up, where did you go to school)
After all that has been exchanged bidirectionally, you’re out of easy topics. Now you actually have to have paid attention to what the other person has said :-)
“I wonder how many people Americans unwittingly offend with our seemingly innocuous questions. “
Oh, you know, um, often. ;)
“I’d be interested to know what a conversational progression might be in Ireland.”
After the exchange of names, we can (and usually do) go on about the weather for weeks. After all, there’s a lot of weather here to go on about. :)
Lady Julia,
People are fascinating, everybody has a story and having the opportunity to hear their story,
where they are from and how did they get her, what are their interests, travel etc as so well put above. I love to read biographies, but it is even better to hear peoples life stories from themselves. Often when I find out what aperson is really interested in and WHY, then even though I might not have been interested in it before I may now become interested in it or atleast have an appreciation for it and a deeper understaning of it.
Lady Julia,
P.S. The photo above of the shawo of feet above the piano is a great example of very imaginative photos you come up with.
Lady Julia,
I have been away and have not been able to read your blog for over a week. I was very glad to find all of these suggestions and am appreciative that you all took the time to give them. I will study them carefully.
Lubyanka it is unfortunate that we Americans unknowingly offend people with our seemingly innocuous questions. That is what I fear. How do you avoid offending people? After reading your suggestions I think you must be very good at getting along with people and saying things in a non-offensive way.
James