If you’ve stopped by my blog very often, you will have noticed that I post a large number of photos of traditionally gorgeous people. While it’s true that those photos are pleasant to view, I don’t want it to appear that I think the “perfect” bodies and faces are the only ones I consider sexy. In truth, they aren’t even the ones I consider “most” attractive.
Earlier in the week, I spent some time watching the movie “A Knight’s Tale”, a perfectly delightful film starring, among others, Mark Addy (pictured above). You may notice that I lumped Heath Ledger into the “among others” category and singled out Mr. Addy. While Heath was certainly a very handsome young man, I found Mark to be much more attactive.
Yes, he’s a bit overweight. Yes, he’s losing a bit of his hair and he’s older. And yes, he has gorgeous eyes, a great smile, and that lovely beard. Yum. I can easily imagine someone like him serving me while wearing only a chef’s apron or perhaps kneeling naked and eager to please. Definitely a flush producing thought ;)
Even better than his general physical attractiveness was his character’s personality. He was loyal, tender, and funny – all qualities that I consider very sexy.
We’re accustomed to many women in our society having issues with their self-image because they’re not 25, not pencil thin, do not possess a gorgeous face, etc. I’ve noticed lately that many of the men I know – really sexy men – are dealing with the same issues. They cannot see how sexy they really are and I find that so sad.
I definitely do not fit into the “perfect” size and face category. I’m 47, not 25. I’m a bit chubby, not pencil thin. I have an average face, not a gorgeous one. For a number of years it was work to feel confident about myself because I didn’t meet the Hollywood norm for sexual attractiveness. Eventually I found that there were men who had a broader definition of the drool-worthy woman than the one presented by the entertainment industry. Thanks to them, I learned to relax and like myself more. It’s decidedly easier to feel sexy and be sexy when you’re relaxed and like yourself a little ;)
So.. I’m writing this to all those who might be reading and who consider themselves less than attractive. I can’t speak for anyone other than myself, but I find bald or balding men sexy. I think big guys are sexy. I love older men. That doesn’t mean I don’t find someone with nice hair and great abs attractive ;) I’m just saying there’s lots more to sexy than the stereotypes and I’m absolutely certain I’m not alone in this belief.
I realize this is hardly a startling revelation, but I think until more people accept it, it bears repeating. I believe when we learn to be confident (not arrogant) and see ourselves as sexy – others will too. Odds are there are already others who see us that way but they’re difficult to find if we lack the confidence to look.
No related posts.
I’ve always wondered what you looked like.
Will you let us know if your blog stats increase or decrease after this post?
Thank you
Having seen your photo I can attest that you do not do yourself justice in your description. You are beautiful inside and out.
Thank you for this post. You said some things I needed to hear.
I’ve always felt that I was an attractive person, even if I haven’t always felt like a sexy person, if that makes any sense? I do feel that a person’s attractiveness quotient relies significantly on self respect, which I think leads to the confidence you mentioned. I have a feeling that I could learn something if I spent some time considering how I differentiate “attractive” and “sexy”. I suspect a lot of that is about how a person feels about their own self image.
I’ll get back to you on that one. :)
I agree that external looks are not necessarily related to a person’s attractiveness quotient – except for the proportional esteem in which that person holds their own appearance relative to the rest of their self image. And that’s down to how that person conceives themselves, whether or not this conception is reinforced or refuted by others.
I think that there are just buckets of ways to get my teeth into this topic. :) I approached it from another perspective in a post I wrote last October. In that post, there is a section about my adolescence, and how I grew to understand the difference between appearance and other people’s behaviour. Whether or not you feel my take on the topic is pertinent to your thoughts on it, you may nevertheless find it of interest.
ps: Ooooh, you used the term “drool-worthy”! I’m going to take credit for broadening your vocabularic horizons. Yay. :)
The guys I know don’t talk about things like this to each other but I think many have self-confidence problems at times even if we never admit it to another person. It always helps to have a gorgeous women tell us we are mistaken so thank you.
You are too modest. Your face is beautiful and so is your body. I thought this even before I got to know you so I am not being influenced by your mesmerizing personality. :-)
You are an incredible woman and I feel fortunate to be able to spend time with you. There are so many wonderful things about you that people who do not know you in person are not fortunate enough to see. From the cute way you sometimes catch your bottom lip between your teeth when you’re thinking, to the tender way you care for others, to the sweet way you get misty eyed when someone on TV or in a movie is sad or upset, to the completely sexy way you laugh and move. There is nothing average about you. Nothing.
Sexy is 95% attitude. Self-esteem, as Lubyanka mentioned, is certainly part of it and may be the building block upon which the rest of the attitude requires.
If I were ordering the most important features for a woman to have, they would be kindness, intelligence, sexiness. Everything else follows at a distance.
Of course, behavior, attitude and attire that would be sexy on one woman isn’t necessarily going to work on another. Each woman has to use (and enjoy using) what she has and not necessarily try to emulate anyone else. Confidence in her own skin (as Lubyanka would perhaps agree) is key.
Unfortunately, I don’t have eyes that can look in the mirror and come to anything remotely like the same conclusions about myself or any other man. I know I am a kind man, a good man. I know I am intelligent. But good looking? Sexy? I don’t see it. If I don’t see it in myself, I don’t see how anyone else is going to either.
Intellectually, I understand that this could be because I’m not good looking or sexy. Or it could just be that I’m not attracted to guys, and thus am the wrong person to ask. But the intellectual side and the emotional side don’t always communicate very well.
“Confidence in her own skin (as Lubyanka would perhaps agree) is key.”
I definitely agree. :) And this leads very nicely into my next bit.
“Unfortunately, I don’t have eyes that can look in the mirror and come to anything remotely like the same conclusions about myself or any other man. I know I am a kind man, a good man. I know I am intelligent. But good looking? Sexy? I don’t see it. If I don’t see it in myself, I don’t see how anyone else is going to either.”
Interesting comment. I got a bit of a light bulb moment when I read
“But good looking? Sexy? I don’t see it. If I don’t see it in myself, I don’t see how anyone else is going to either.”
Sometimes, I do see my attractiveness and/or sexiness in the mirror, and this is almost always when I catch a glimpse of myself by accident during a time when I am feeling particularly attractive and/or sexy. Have you ever accidentally caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror when you were feeling really good, and just for a moment, you saw what other people see when they look at you?
Well, the light bulb moment was, of course you’re not going to see how attractive or sexy you are when you look at yourself! And you know why? Because you aren’t sexually attracted to yourself!
Heheheh, duh. :)
I think it’s like looking at a close relative, and they have a partner or something and you can’t imagine what they see in your relative because you personally can’t be attracted to your relative without also having a squicky nausea feeling to do with sex and family, ew, right?
What if you can’t see your sexual attractiveness in the mirror because you aren’t sexually attracted to yourself, and that whole idea is alien to you? I’m thinking this might be why I can’t see it in my own reflection most of the time, even though most of the world have assured me categorically that I’m as attractive and sexy as they get.
Suppose you could begin to see yourself as a source of your own pleasure? Suppose you got better at that. And suppose that as you did so, you could also see yourself as a source of sexual attraction. I’m thinking that on the days I feel so amazing, this is why I can sometimes see my own attractiveness and sexiness in the mirror.
So there you have it, you can’t see your attractiveness or sexiness in the mirror because you have no interest in dating yourself. Problem solved.
Ok, who’s next? ;)
I thought I asked you not to post my picture Lady Julia?!
Oh, sorry, that isn’t me after all, just another happy looking middle aged man :-)
Thanks for the post says the losing hair, slightly overweight mid-40’s guy.
Will
Your post here is the sort of thing everyone needs to hear from time to time. Those who incorrectly do not consider themselves attractive need to hear it so they can shift towards a more realistic view of their own bodies and personalities. Those who fit into the “perfect people” mold need to hear it so they can interact more realistically with *everyone*. Like beauty, sexiness is in the eye of the beholder, and the eyes that behold are everywhere, all the time, whether we spot them watching or not. One pair of those eyes belongs to us, too. What we feel about ourselves we project to others, and to a large part, is what they see. So thank you, Lady Julia, for reminding me that attractiveness is as much about attitude toward oneself as attitude towards others.
And one more thing. If beauty and attractiveness are to be measured by the things which really count as well as by resultant physical appearance, then you are more wonderful to behold than all the “perfect people” put together. Having seen photos of you it is effortless to say that your outer appearance reflects gorgeously that most sexy of things which radiates from deep within, your amazing heart.
Arafin
Do people react to changes in our appearance either better or worse or do they react to how we react to changes in our appearance?
Excellent point James.
Lubyanka and I found different words to say the same thing, I believe.
But I am, of course, left with a simple question: how do I discover (and believe) what other people (specifically: the ladies) think about me?
Now, I’m working under a simple assumption: because I haven’t a clue how to judge my own appearance, I also haven’t a clue how to self-sculpt in order to improve the appearance. Which means also that I probably have it wrong. There are undoubtedly changes I can make that would help with the all important first impressions.
I presume that I’m not remotely unique in this – that the “I” in the above paragraph could really apply to almost anyone.
Some things are obvious. I’m overweight. I’m working on it and even seeing real results.
But for the rest, I think I need a female friend I trust to “fix” me. Or perhaps a gay friend. Finding either of those is easy. Finding one who would want to actually take responsibility for fixing me? That might be harder.
:-)
Lubyanka,
I approached it from another perspective in a post I wrote last October. In that post, there is a section about my adolescence, and how I grew to understand the difference between appearance and other people’s behaviour. Whether or not you feel my take on the topic is pertinent to your thoughts on it, you may nevertheless find it of interest.
I did very much enjoy reading your post. Thank you for pointing the way to it :)
FTW – I’ve seen you and I think you’re a nice looking man. I’ve talked to you and exchanged a number of emails and I know the intellectual part of you is attractive. Wrap both together and you’re definitely appealing :)
Dear Lady,
We seem to have like feelings about what is attractive and lovely. I don’t know what you look like, and maybe it is a good thing. I assure you though, that if you are not what I expect, you would still be at the top of my admired women. I have said it many times before: It’s not what you have, but what you do with it …
If you are interested, please see http://hersforever.blogspot.com/2009/04/fat-old-women.html
Susan’s Pet,
Thank you. I don’t know if anyone have never seen is ever what we expect, but I can say the few people I’ve met in person have been delightful.
I have already read the post you mentioned above and while I did not comment on it when I read it, I found it a very nice post.
Apologies for not approving this sooner. For some risen the spam filter caught it.